Cruise Ship Confidential
by AllorNothingKR
Summary: After Bella felt like she had lost it all, she risked everything in hopes of healing and finding herself nearly a world away. However, she wasn't expecting to meet a person who had the ability to change it all. Was she ready for change or would she be content to return to the only life she'd ever known?
1. Cruise Ship Confidential 1

**Author's Note:**

**This is my first drabble fic, so all the chapters will be around/approximately 500 words. I hope you enjoy. I will hopefully be updating every other day at a minimum. I've already got the first 30 chapters written so there shouldn't be a shortage any time soon. Thanks for reading!**

**Summary:**

**After Bella felt like she had lost it all, she risked everything in hopes of healing and finding herself nearly a world away. However, she wasn't expecting to meet a person who had the ability to change it all. Was she ready for change or would she be content to return to the only life she'd ever known?**

**Disclaimer: I own the story, not the characters. Some adult content in later chapters. BxJ. BxE.**

**One.**

I was doing it. I was starting a new adventure, my first adventure to be exact. After everything that had happened this year, I needed it. I was going to do it and not look back. I just needed to step away from it all, from everything I've ever known.

"Are you sure you've got everything?" Jake asked.

I nodded. "I'm sure."

"Are you sure you want to do this? You can change your mind. Six months is a long time."

I searched his dark brown eyes for understanding. "I have to. You know I do."

He didn't understand. He didn't understand why he couldn't just fix everything, why he couldn't help me through this.

"Okay. Just promise that you'll call or email me as often as you can, and most importantly, that you'll come back."

I scoffed and smiled. "Where else would I go, Jake?"

He looked out the window, away from me. "I don't know, Bella. It's a big world out there."

I nodded and grabbed his hand. "It's only six months. We'll see each other on breaks. I'll call every day. You're all I have, Jake."

He turned to me and leaned in to kiss me. His lips were warm and desperate. "I love you."

"I love you. Thank you for letting me do this."

"I'm not letting you. I had no choice," he said seriously.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking down at my hands in my lap. "I cannot explain it. I just have to do this."

"I know. I didn't mean to upset you."

I nodded my understanding. "I have to go."

He got out first and I followed. He helped me get my bags to the attendant. We embraced. We kissed. I cried. He begged me to change my mind, to stay.

I couldn't.


	2. Cruise Ship Confidential 2

**Two.**

The flight was long, the sun was hot and the ship was bigger than I expected it to be. The paper work was never ending. By the time I made it through the tour, orientation and got to my room, I was exhausted. I was a little concerned about having a roommate. She hadn't arrived yet.

Our room was fairly small. I think my college dorm room was bigger. There were two twin beds against the walls in an "L" shape. There was a small desk/vanity and a closet. The bathroom was unbelievably small and provided very little storage. I immediately started wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I only had a few minutes to unpack and get ready for the crew dinner.

I got lost, twice, on the way to the dinning room. I made a mental note to study the ship map when I returned to my room.

I was seated at a huge table. I didn't know anyone, not a single person. They all either seemed to know each other, or speak such little English that they didn't care to know one another.

I kept quiet and to myself. I wasn't ready to share yet. I didn't want to provide an answer as to why I decided to do this.

After dinner, I returned to my room. I met Alice, my roommate. She is part of the talent crew. She explained a lot to me. I told her I was a cruise virgin. She couldn't believe I signed a six month contract without having ever stepped foot on a cruise ship before. I didn't explain my reasoning, yet.

She explained that the roommates are assigned so they are each on different schedules. When I'm working, she's sleeping. When I'm sleeping, she's working. I was more than relieved. I was a bit of loner.

She was gone shortly before 9:00 p.m. and I turned in for the night. I had my first day of work bright and early the next morning.

**Author's Note:**

**Review's Welcome. I'll try to get the first few chapters up asap. Enjoy!**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	3. Cruise Ship Confidential 3

**Three.**

I slept very little, and we weren't even moving yet. I had to be up early to assist with spa tours at embarkation. I met some more of my co-workers and some interesting guests.

By the time I was cleared to leave, I was exhausted. I had been a licensed message therapist for years, but I'd never spent so much time on my feet before.

I was relieved that Alice was gone when I returned to our room. I showered, changed, and called Jake.

"Bella?"

I smiled. "Yeah, it's me."

"Hey, it's about time. I thought you were going to call last night."

"I was, but there was just so much already planned out for me, mandatory things. I was exhausted. It was too late to call when I got back to my room."

"Oh, okay. Well, how is it? What do you think? Have you made any friends?"

"It's really different. It's interesting. No friends, except my roommate is pretty nice."

"That's good, but it's still early."

I explained about how we worked opposite schedules. "How are things at the shop?"

"They're good, busy day."

"That's good. Are you keeping the apartment clean?"

He laughed. I smiled. "It's only been two days, Bella. It's like you never left."

I laughed and warned him about keeping it nice.

He got serious. "You know, if you change your mind, at any time, I'll find a way to get you back here."

I melted. "I know you would, Jake. Thank you, but I'm sticking it out, for now."

"Okay, just remember, the offer is always there."

"Thanks, listen, these calls are expensive, we'll be in Mexico by sun up. I'll call you tomorrow."

We said our goodbye's and I went to bed.

Morning came too soon, but at least I slept.

I got ready and tried to be excited about my required attire - khaki shorts, a navy blue polo, and white tennis shoes.

I made my way up to the spa and got my room and table ready. We were already busy. I got my first client.

His name was Edward Cullen.


	4. Cruise Ship Confidential 4

**Four.**

I was relieved that Edward Cullen was easy on the eyes. Being a massage therapist, you run into some people that you'd rather not touch. It wasn't polite to wear gloves.

"Is this your first massage?" I asked.

He laughed. "No, it's not. I'm a regular."

He had an accent, an English accent.

"Oh, okay. Good."

He smiled this silly crooked smile and it automatically made me smile, a true, genuine smile. It had been a while since I smiled like that.

"You must be new," he said as he stepped around me in the tiny room.

"I am. How did you know?" I asked.

"I'm Edward Cullen, part of the crew," he held out his hand.

I shook it. "It's nice to meet you. What do you do?"

"It's lovely to meet you." He looked at my name tag. "Isabella. I'm a bar tender."

I blushed. I don't know why. It was the way he said my name. I hated my full name, but the way he said it, it sounded kind of beautiful.

"It's just, Bella," I corrected.

"Oh, well, pardon me, Bella."

I smiled. "Oh, and, when I meant new, I meant to the ship or the crew or whatever. I've been a LMT for years."

He laughed. "It doesn't matter. I'm sure you'll do a fine job."

I nodded. "Well, then, I guess you know the deal. I'll give you a few minutes to get undressed and under the sheet." I turned and made a quick exit.

**Author's Note:**

**I'll go ahead and give you two chapters since this one was extra short. Thanks so much to those of you that have reviewed so far! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	5. Cruise Ship Confidential 5

**Five.**

When I returned to the reception/staff desk, I was immediately met with flames. The red head was glaring at me like I just killed her puppy. I looked at her name badge. Victoria. I had met her briefly yesterday.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Yeah, you have my client," she said with an attitude.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

She turned her attention to Jessica, the receptionist/scheduler.

"Why did you give him to her? You know he's mine!" She whined.

Jessica stuttered for a moment. "You, you weren't here Victoria. You were late for your shift. I wasn't going to make him wait."

Victoria scoffed.

I really didn't want any enemies, not on my first real day. "Look, it's not a big deal. He's getting ready, you can finish the appointment. I'll take the next guest. I wasn't aware you had claimed him."

Jessica rolled her eyes. "She hasn't claimed anything. It's first come first serve, unless the guest requests otherwise or has an appointment with a specific therapist. She knows this," Jessica concluded, acting as if Victoria wasn't standing right in front of her.

"Ugh, you're such a little rule following bitch, Jessica," Victoria said as she stepped around the desk to head back to my room that contained Edward. She tossed me the key to her room.

"Wow," I said. "She is serious. What's her deal?" I asked Jessica.

"She's a bitch. You don't want to mess with her, or Edward."

"Oh, okay. Are they like, a couple or whatever?"

Jessica laughed. "In her dreams. He actually has a few standards, unlike most of the ass holes on this ship. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's the most wanted man on board, but he doesn't just take anyone to bed with him."

I was just about to respond to her when Victoria emerged from my room, having slammed the door shut behind her. She approached me so quickly that I stepped back, fearing she was going to attack. Instead, she yanked her room key from my wrist and shoved my key into my hand.

"He. Wants. You," she spat at me.

I wanted to smile so bad. I wanted to point and laugh in her face like a six year old.

But I didn't. I went to him.

**Author's Note:**

**More to come tomorrow or shortly thereafter. Enjoy! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	6. Cruise Ship Confidential 6

**Six.**

His back was as beautiful as his front. He looked up at me when I entered.

"Oh, good. You're back. Were you trying to get out of this?" he teased.

I laughed. "No, she was trying to get into this."

He laughed loudly. His smile is infectious. I felt good around him.

"Time to get serious, Mr. Cullen," I said, as I turned on the relaxing music and dribbled warm oil down his back.

He laid his head back down and sighed contently. I worked my magic. His skin was soft and smooth, yet his muscles were tight and tense. I took longer than usual on his neck and shoulders.

I had to pull the sheet down farther to work on his lower back. From what I could see, his butt was very nice and baby soft.

I adjusted the sheet again to work on his legs. They were so strong and tense.

By the time I finished, he was asleep, and my fingers and hands ached.

I leaned down to whisper into his ear. "Edward, wake up. We're all finished."

It took a moment, but he eventually stirred and rolled over on the bed. I just barely caught the sheet before he exposed himself.

At once, we both worked to straighten it out and cover the appropriate parts.

Edward laughed. "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I forgot where I was for a second."

I blushed, laughed slightly, and turned the other way. "Is there anything else I can get you right now?" I asked.

"No, I'm perfect. That was the best massage I've ever had. Seriously."

I smiled to myself. "You were awfully tense."

"Yeah, my real life is full of stress and bullshit."

"Oh?" I was curious. This wasn't his "real" life? "Is bar tending not a real gig for you?"

He laughed. "Definitely not. I'm in med school back home. I take the summers off to do this and relax a bit, make some money."

"Oh, wow. That does sound stressful."

He sat up on the table and tightly held the sheet. His chest was amazing. His pectoral muscles were strong and defined, as were his shoulders, biceps and abdomen. I had to stop myself from staring. "I'll leave you to it," I said as I headed for the door.

"Bella, wait," he stopped me.

I turned around. "Yes?"

"Come see me later. I'll buy you a drink. I'll be on the upper deck tonight at the pool bar."

"I'll try to make it," I said as I smiled and slipped out of the room.

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks for the reviews! This *may* be the last update until Monday. I have to steal internet from work and I'm not planning on being back until next week - I could potentially find myself at a wifi hotspot over the weekend if I'm encouraged enough. ;) **


	7. Cruise Ship Confidential 7

**Seven.**

"How was your first day at work?" Jake asked.

"It was good actually. I'm sore and tired, but it was good."

"Good, I'm glad it went well. Any friends yet?"

I laughed. "You know I don't do friends that well. I met some co-workers. I don't want to get close to these people, I'll never see them again after six months."

"Well, you might as well make the best of it. You need friends while you're there. Somebody needs to look out for you."

"I'll be fine. I can look out for myself."

"I know you can, I just worry. I miss you, Bella. This is going to be harder than I thought."

"I miss you, too, but I need this. It's working. I really smiled today for this first time since . . ."

"What made you smile?" he asked.

"A guest," I lied. "She was just funny, her laughter was contagious."

"That's great, Bella."

"Yeah, listen, I have to get going. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, be good. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I hung up and immediately went to my little closet to find something to wear. I settled on a little royal blue dress. It was cotton and had a little halter top. It fell a few inches from my knees. I wondered momentarily if the breeze would catch it. I decided I'd have to be careful with it.

I grabbed my little black wristlet with my crew card inside and headed out to find the pool bar.

I found it. It was the one by the pool, with all the girls around it. All the practically naked girls. They all had fake boobs in little bikinis. It was chilly with the breeze after dark and it was definitely obvious that they were cold. It made me giggle. Girls were so dumb.

I sat at the far end of the bar, away from the crowd.

He noticed me immediately. He put down the glass he was drying and headed my way.

"Bella, I'm so glad you made it. What can I get you?"

"I'll just have a margarita."

"Frozen or . . ."

I cut him off. "On the rocks, with salt."

He smiled. "Coming right up."

My margarita was amazing and I'm pretty sure it had more alcohol than it should've had.

The big boobied girls kept Edward busy, but I liked to watch him work. He was good with his hands. We had something in common.

I didn't want to leave without saying goodnight, so I waited until most of the girls cleared out and he could catch a break. I knew it was late, but I didn't know how late.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting to be so busy tonight."

"It's fine. You're quite popular with the ladies."

He laughed, that contagious laugh. I think his cheeks pinked, too.

"Yeah, it makes for good money," he shrugged. "They're all the same."

I nodded my understanding.

"Except for you. You seem different," he said.

"Yeah, it's probably the fact that I didn't spend eight grand on my chest," I teased.

He laughed and blushed. "It's more than that."

Jake popped into my mind, unexpectedly.

I politely smiled. "I better get going. Thank you again for the drink."

"Anytime, Bella. All the time. Come back, tomorrow?"

"I'll try." I felt his eyes on me as I walked away. The breeze caught my dress as the sliding glass doors to the atrium automatically opened. I struggled to quickly catch it and not expose myself. I turned around back to the bar. He was watching, and he was laughing. I laughed, too.

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks for the reviews! 3 More to come soon. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	8. Cruise Ship Confidential 8

**Eight.**

I got off work a little earlier in the afternoon the following day. We were at a port in Mexico and the ship might as well have been abandoned by all it's guests.

Alice was still sleeping well into the afternoon and I decided to give her more time to rest. I changed into my black string bikini and grabbed a towel before heading to the pool. I really needed some sun.

I did look towards the bar when I passed it on the way to the pool. He wasn't there, not that I wanted him to be, I guess. I just wanted to prove that natural was just as beautiful as eight grand sitting on your chest. Jake always told me that what I lacked on my chest was more than made up for on my back side. I wasn't really lacking that much. I had boobs, they just weren't enormous. They were perfect, for me.

I settled on a lounger near the pool, laid out my towel, put my sunglasses on and put my ear buds in. It was like a little piece of heaven.

I don't know how much later it was when I felt it.

Drip. Cold. Drop. Cold. Drip. Cold!

I opened my eyes and shot up, nearly knocking it out of his hand.

Edward was standing over me with a margarita. The glass was sweating in the heat and dripping onto my bare stomach.

His smile was so big and bright, I couldn't be mad. It made me smile.

"I'm sorry," he said, still smiling.

"It's okay," I said as I took the drink from him. I sipped it immediately. I was burning up and it was ice cold. "Mmm, very good."

I pulled knees to my chest, inviting him to sit down on the remaining portion of the lounger. "If you're allowed to," I said, remembering he was working.

He laughed. "I'm allowed." He sat down.

I looked around, there were only a handful of people on deck. "Not a very busy afternoon, huh?"

"Not at all. That's usually the way it is on a nice day in port."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I thought you were the main attraction; I don't know why anyone would get off the boat," I teased.

He shied away and shook his head and we both laughed.

"So, Bella, what's your story? How did you end up here?"

I felt my throat constrict. I wasn't ready yet. Fortunately, an older gentleman approached Edward's bar nearby. I pointed him out.

"Shit, I'll be right back," he said as he stood to head to the bar.

I panicked. I grabbed my towel and left the deck in the opposite direction.

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks for the reviews! The next chapter is from Edward's point of view. :)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	9. Cruise Ship Confidential 9

**Nine.**

**Edward.**

I cannot explain the disappointment I felt when I returned, only moments later, to find her lounger abandoned. She had to have gone the opposite direction to get off the deck, otherwise, I would've seen her.

I meandered back to my bar. I couldn't stop thinking about her since the second I laid eyes on her. There was just something about her. I've never been so into a girl that I knew nothing about, and she obviously didn't feel like sharing. Her face changed when I asked how she got here. She looked terrified. At first I thought it was just her reaction to the guest waiting for me, but when I realized she left, it was definitely a reaction to the question.

It was a long and lonely day at the pool bar. I kept hoping that she would reappear in that little black bikini, but she never did. She was the most beautiful fucking creature I'd ever laid eyes on. She was different. She was real. She had curves in all the right places. Her chocolate hair was always in perfect waves around her face. Her skin was creamy and white and flawless. Her smile was like taking a deep breath after you've been deprived of air. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to know her.

When she never returned to the bar that night, I had to do what I had to do. I made an appointment for a massage, with her, the next morning.

"Good morning, Edward," she smiled as she entered the room. I was already naked and under my little sheet. I wished she was still wearing that little fucking bikini.

"Good morning, Bella." She prepared some of her things. "What happened to you yesterday?" I asked.

She turned away from me, bothering with the heat under the oil.

"I realized how sun burned I was getting. I wasn't sure how long you'd be, so I headed inside."

She didn't look sun burned, except for her pink cheeks, but those weren't from the sun. She had a beautiful blush about her, almost constantly.

I let it be, and I let her do her job, which she was so fucking good at. She was the best massage therapist I'd ever had. She put Victoria to shame. As her hands worked my back, I couldn't help but imagine them on other parts of my body.

I had to change my thought process before I got in trouble. I thought about Victoria's ugly face and that took care of it.

I managed to stay awake and not nearly flash her this time. She was about to sneak out of the room after she was finished.

"Bella?"

She turned to look at me. "Yes, Edward?"

"Have dinner with me tonight, my shift doesn't start until 8:00 p.m."

She hesitated for a moment. "Where? The crew dining hall?"

"No, on deck somewhere. I'll take care of the arrangements, just say yes."

Her face changed so many times, I couldn't read it. It occurred to me momentarily that she may not be single, but why would she be here? "I'm sorry, I should've asked, if you were single?"

She didn't say anything. She was thinking, which meant she was attached. I felt my heart break a little.

"Yes," she finally said, "to dinner, I mean."

I lit up for a moment, until I realized what she was implying. "I don't want to step on anyone's toes," I insisted.

She shook her head. "I could use a friend."

I smiled. It was a start.

**Author's Note:**

**So, a little glimpse into Edward's brain. We'll get those every few chapters from here on out.**

**Thanks for the reviews! Sorry I couldn't get a chapter out over the weekend, I was horribly busy, but that's why you got two yesterday. :) Hopefully daily updates the rest of the week. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	10. Cruise Ship Confidential 10

**Ten.**

I took a nap after my shift. I over slept a little and jumped right into the shower to get ready for dinner with Edward. I meant to call Jake before I left, but time just didn't permit.

I settled on a short cotton black dress with a little white sweater over it. The breeze was chilly once the sun started to set. I slipped on some black wedge sandals and headed out to meet Edward in the atrium on the upper deck.

I noticed him right away. He took my breath away. He was so gorgeous. His gray button up shirt brought out the green in his eyes. His hair was a beautiful mess. His smile was infectious.

"I'm so glad you made it. Follow me," he said as he greeted me.

We exited the atrium onto the upper deck. We went to the opposite end of the ship where he led me to a table at the very rear of the ship. There were only a couple of tables in the area and only one other group of guests were dining. The sun was just beginning to set.

He pulled my chair out for me. Nobody's ever done that before. I thanked him before sitting down.

The table was already covered with dishes that looked amazing. There was warm french baguette bread, salad, and tilapia with fresh vegetables. I was suddenly starving. There was also a margarita on the rocks, with salt.

"Wow, this looks really good." The crew don't normally eat as well as the guests, not from what I've seen anyway.

"It does look good," he agreed.

"How did you pull this off?" I asked.

He smiled that crooked heart-melting smile. "I've got my connections."

We enjoyed dinner and watched the sun set while we made small talk. One of the crew waiters came and cleared our table and brought me another margarita, Edward another Jack and coke.

After the waiter cleared out, Edward got right down to business.

"So, Bella," he started. "I don't want to run you off again, but I really want to know more about you."

My heart started racing. I think he noticed the panic on my face. He reached for my hand on the table. "It's okay, Bella. What are you so afraid of?"

I looked away from him, out towards the setting sun. I attempted to collect myself before facing him again. "It's just personal. It's hard. I'm just not ready to talk about it. I'm not afraid; I'm just not ready to feel."

**Author's Note:**

**I promise she will explain soon. In a few more chapters. =) **

**Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	11. Cruise Ship Confidential 11

**Eleven. **

**Edward. **

This girl was killing me, absolutely killing me. She was so fucking beautiful, except for the pain in her eyes when I pry. I wanted to make it go away. I wanted to kill the mother fucker that hurt her.

I tried to continue our conversation. "Well, what about your boyfriend? Is he off limits?"

She laughed a little, but it was forced.

"No, he's not off limits. He's back home."

"Where is home?"

"Seattle, Washington."

"I've heard it's lovely there, but I've never had the to opportunity to visit."

"It's nice," I said, "but it's nothing compared to this."

I followed her gaze to the setting sun. Pinks, blues, purples, and yellows painted the evening sky. The sun glowed fiery hot pink and orange as it danced just above the horizon. It was almost as beautiful as she was. "This _is_ pretty fucking amazing. It's why I'm here every summer. You'll never see a sunset like this anywhere else."

She smiled. It made me feel warm inside. I loved her smile. "So, what's his name?"

"Jake."

"Are we going to play 20 questions, or are you going to tell me about him?" I teased. She wasn't offering much.

She giggled. "Well, he's just Jake. We grew up together. Things started to change when we got into middle and high school. He went from my best friend, to my boyfriend. He takes care of me, always. He's a mechanic and took over his cousin's shop in Seattle. He practically lives there, but it pays the bills."

I wasn't sure what to say. That sounded serious. The most obvious question is why the hell did she leave Mr. Perfect for this. Why didn't she just take a vacation with him? Of course, that question was currently off limits. I died a little inside when she described him, but I was relieved that he was good to her. She was even better than I imagined. She looked so innocent. She's been with the same man her entire life. I was quiet, lost in thought.

"So, what about your girlfriend?" she asked.

I laughed. "There's no girlfriend, unfortunately. I was really into this girl, but I just recently learned she was already taken by some lucky bastard," I teased.

It made her laugh; it made her blush.

"That girl is fucking stupid," she said, seriously.

I glanced up and made eye contact with her. She looked away. "Why is she stupid?" I asked, surprised at her response.

She wouldn't look at me. "Because she's never really lived before. Because sometimes she feels like he holds her back, but she's too coward to turn her back on him. He is all she has ever known and he is good and faithful and everything she should want."

Bingo. Fucking jackpot. I had a chance! I tried to hide my smile and excitement at her revelation. I remained calm and serious. "So, why don't you want him? When did you start having doubts?"

"I don't know why. I do want him, always. I just started having doubts . . ." she paused. "Yesterday."

**Author's Note:**

**OooOooOooo. Thanks for the reviews again 3. **

**I've had serious internet issues and had to go to McDonald's to post yesterday's chapter - which resulted in an order of fries. So, I gained three pounds. :P I'm giving in and getting my internet back next week. I'm such a cheap bastard, I hate paying for things that are free a few blocks away. ;)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	12. Cruise Ship Confidential 12

**Twelve. **

_Yesterday_ came out of my mouth before it even registered in my brain. What was I doing? What was I saying? "Your waiter friend put entirely too much tequila in my margarita," l laughed.

He laughed, too. "Sure, whatever. Always trying to blame it on the alcohol."

I couldn't explain the pull he had on me. Being around him made me question everything. Everything. Was what Jake and I had even real? Did it ever feel like this with Jake? Is this what it's supposed to feel like? I was so confused.

My eyes grew large when I noticed her heading our way. Flames. Anger. Rage. She was going to kill me.

Edward turned to see why my face changed, just as she was approaching our table.

"Well, isn't this just cute? The bitch and the ass hole, together at last."

I swallowed. I said nothing.

"Victoria, leave us alone," he ordered. "Go play your little games with someone else."

"Games?" She lifted her head in my direction. "She's the one playing games. You know she has a serious boyfriend, right? That's pretty fucking sick, if you ask me."

"Who cares Victoria? We're having a god damn drink, we're not fucking!"

Her cheeks turned bright red. Steam was practically rolling off of her. I felt so small. She stomped off, but not before warning me that she wasn't finished with me. I really didn't do well with confrontation. She made me so nervous. People had warned me about her. I'd been on this ship barely three days and I had been warned many times. I wondered if her threats held any validity.

"This was really nice, Edward, but I better get going. It's almost 8:00 p.m." I scooted my chair back to stand. He followed suit.

"Don't let her intimidate you. She's a skank."

I scoffed. "She's pretty intimidating."

He laughed and touched the back of my arm. "Let me walk you to your room?" he asked.

I shouldn't have, but I did. "Sure."

We walked silently to the crew deck until we arrived at my room. I opened the door and stepped just inside. "Thank you, again."

"It was my pleasure."

I didn't immediately register what was happening when he stepped toward me. His hand cupped my left cheek while he placed a delicate kiss on my right. "Please say we can do this again soon?" he whispered.

My heart stopped beating when he kissed me. I couldn't speak. I know it was just a kiss on the cheek, but there were only two people in the entire world whose lips had ever touched my face. My hand immediately went to my face where his lips once were. It tingled. His lips were so warm and he smelled so good.

I dumbly nodded.

He stepped out of the doorway. "Goodnight, Bella."


	13. Cruise Ship Confidential 13

**Thirteen.**

I did everything in my power not to think about that night. If I thought about it too much, I'd go crazy. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew, is that Edward made me feel good.

I turned in early that night. I forgot to call Jake.

I had to be at the spa by 7:00 a.m. and I struggled to get out of bed after the margaritas the night before.

I rushed out of my room, and that's when it happened. I stepped on a plate of syrup that was placed just outside my door. That bitch. It had to have been Victoria. I was so late and now I had sticky syrup all over my shoes and the floor. I only had one pair of shoes for work. Ugh. I moved the plate and rushed back inside. I threw my tennis shoes in the sink and scrubbed as best I could. I had to change my socks and eventually I made it out again.

She was already there when I got to the spa. I completely ignored her. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I fell into her little trap.

It was a long day. Every time I turned around, she was trying to make me miserable. She messed with my supplies, loosened the screws on my table, spilled coffee on me, etc. I wanted nothing more than get back to my room and curl up in a little ball and cry.

As soon as I stepped around the corner from leaving the spa, I saw him.

Edward was sitting in the hall against the wall with a big pink flower in his hand. When he looked at me, smiled, and started to get up, I knew it was for me.

I thought about how horrible I must have looked. There was dirt and debris stuck on my still sticky shoes. My hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. The front of my shirt was stained with coffee. I smelled like a mixture of burnt coffee and various massage oils.

I tried to laugh at myself, but I cried instead. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm okay. I just had a horrible day and I wasn't expecting you."

Edward stepped toward me immediately and lifted my chin with his index finger. "I'm sorry sweet girl. Why did you have a bad day?"

I tried to make the tears stop. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to start anything. I shook my head and tried to brush it off. It didn't work.

Edward escorted me back to my room. He agreed to wait outside while I changed and freshened up. I didn't tell him I was taking a shower and doing my hair before I re-opened the door.

He didn't seem to mind. We sat on my bed and talked for a long time. I told him about Victoria. He was pissed.

"Should you get that?" he asked when I ignored my room phone ringing for the millionth time.

I sighed. I knew who it was. Jake.

**Author's Note:**

**Thank you for the reviews. 3 I swear we will eventually get to the part where Bella spills her story. **

**AND I'm supposed to be getting a new internet provider tomorrow evening. Squeeee! **


	14. Cruise Ship Confidential 14

**Fourteen.**

**Edward.**

Her room phone had rang over and over for several minutes. She ignored it, until I encouraged her to get it. I wish I hadn't of.

"Hello? Yeah, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy. I had a rough day. Yeah. That's good. I know, I miss you, too. I'm late for dinner. I'll call tonight, okay? I love you, too."

Her cheeks were pink when she turned around. "I'm sorry. I forgot to call last night. He was worried."

I nodded my understanding. We continued our conversation. "Like I said, if she fucks with you again, let me know."

"It's not a big deal. I'll handle it."

I could tell how much Victoria got under Bella's skin and it made me want to kill her. I wish that cunt would go overboard and drown. "I've got to go get ready for work. Will you come see me later?" I asked her.

She grinned and nodded.

I kissed her cheek again. She gasped again, but she didn't say no. She didn't tell me to never do it again. The entire fucking world stopped when I touched her. I could get high from her sweet scent; strawberries and vanilla.

I didn't care about Jake. I wanted his girl. I had a feeling the fight wouldn't be easy. I could give her everything and even more than he could. I could take care of her, always.

I felt empty every time I had to walk away from her.

**Author's Note: *sings* I have my own internet again. AND because this as such a shorty, I'm posting two chapters to celebrate.**

**Thanks for the reviews, they're always welcome! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	15. Cruise Ship Confidential 15

**Fifteen.**

Later that evening, I went out to see Edward at the bar before I turned in for the night. However, he wasn't at either of the pool bars that he was normally at. I decided I'd stay and have a drink anyway. The bar tender at Edward's usual bar was a guy named James. He seemed nice enough. He was pretty funny and he didn't charge me for my drink.

"So, you work in the spa?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm a massage therapist."

"Oh, okay. Well, that would explain why I haven't seen you then."

"Do you always bar tend?" I asked.

"Not really. I'm usually in the gym. I lead some classes there during the day, but I bar tend as needed. I guess the dining bar was short handed this evening, so here I am."

I wondered if that was where Edward was. I had no business being in the guest dinning rooms.

Just as I was about to thank him and head back to my room, Edward appeared.

"I can take it from here, James," he said, as he stared at him, waiting for him to move.

James ignored him. He handed me a little piece of paper. "We should go out sometime. Call me."

My mouth hung open. If Edward weren't there, I'd have just said okay and never called him. Edward was fuming. He took the paper from my hand. "She's taken," he said to James.

James looked back and forth between Edward and I. "Is that right? You two? A couple? Damn, Edward. You always take the good ones."

"Not me," he said. "Unfortunately."

It was getting really awkward, so I was extremely relieved when James took off. Edward still wasn't at ease though.

"You need to stay away from him."

I nearly laughed. "Do you recall what you just said, Edward? I'm taken, and not by you. I'm a big girl. I can choose who I'm friends with."

Edward was pissed. He walked to the other side of the bar and made a drink for a guest before returning.

"That's not what I meant, Bella. You don't know him. He's bad news. When he sees something, or someone, he wants, he doesn't stop until he gets it."

"Well, he's not getting anything from me," I said seriously. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a whore."

Edward laughed momentarily before turning serious again. "He doesn't care if you give him permission. He takes what he wants."

I looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Just trust me, Bella. Stay away from him."

**Author's Note:**

**Don't worry, James won't cause *too* much trouble. Things get a little steamy in the next chapter. 3**


	16. Cruise Ship Confidential 16

**Sixteen.**

There was a crew party at one of the clubs the later that week. I really didn't have any intentions on going but all the girls at the spa were going and they insisted I come, especially because we didn't have to work tomorrow, as we were set to arrive back to home port and the guests would be debarking.

I had never been to one of the night clubs on the ship and I wasn't exactly sure what to expect.

"What are you wearing?" I asked Alice. It was odd for her to be in the room, but she was super excited about the crew party.

"Something sexy, of course! The crew parties are the best part of this job, Bella. It's just like a night club you'd find in any major city, except the liquor is free!"

I laughed. "I don't think I've been to a night club since I was 18 years old."

Alice laughed, "Really? You're going to have so much fun then! I really hope Jasper is going to be there!"

"Who is Jasper?" I asked.

"He's one of the ship's engineer's. I sort of have a thing for him."

"Aw, that's great. Hopefully he will be at the party tonight, then!"

Alice beamed. "You should totally let me dress you. Can I? Please, Bella!"

I had to laugh. She was so excited. "Sure," I agreed. "Nothing too risque, though!"

I ended up arriving to the crew party in a strapless tight black mini dress with black heels. My hair was full of waves and my makeup was a little heavier than usual, but Alice was proud of herself.

I couldn't remember the last time I felt this sexy.

Alice was right, it reminded me of a dance club that Jake and I used to frequent in Seattle when we first moved to the city after high school. The music was loud, the dance floor was crowded, and the drinks were never ending.

Alice and I were dancing and having a great time. I would sometimes lose her in the crowd. Guys would just walk up behind me and start dancing with me. I wasn't used to it.

I saw a guy come up behind Alice and grab her around the waist and start dancing with her. She squealed and turned around and hugged the guy before introducing him to me as Jasper. I was excited for her and didn't want to be the third wheel to their party, so I didn't complain when James started dancing with me. He also handed me a drink, but just before I put it to my lips, it was ripped from my hand.

**Author's Note:**

**Okay, so I misinformed. The steam is still two chapters away. It was an honest mistake. I forget how short they are, the steam is in 18, and it's just some warm steam, it's not too hot, but it's a start! **

**Thank you again for the reviews. I enjoy them, and they remind me to update.**

**3**

**Twitter: AllOrnothingKR**


	17. Cruise Ship Confidential 17

**Seventeen.**

**Edward. **

She was really the last person I was expecting to be at the crew party, but I wasn't disappointed, until I saw who she was with. I immediately lost my fucking mind. Why wasn't she listening to me!

I didn't mean to spill the drink that I pulled so violently from her hand. I pushed the drink against James' chest, urging him to take it back. He took it.

"Stay away from her," I demanded.

"Whatever, ass hole. She's not yours."

"You're not going to do to her what you did to Lauren and countless others."

James laughed loudly. "Dude, if any of that shit were true, I wouldn't be on this ship."

"No, if they weren't so fucking scared of you and they had of told the truth, you wouldn't be on this ship."

Victoria squeezed between us and went to dance with James. I was relieved.

I turned my attention back to Bella. She looked fucking incredible. She made my pants a little snug in the crotch.

"That was rude, Edward," she said.

"It may have been. If you want a drink, I'll get you one. Don't ever take anything he gives you. He's fucking trouble, Bella. Why won't you listen to me?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I wasn't thinking. I didn't think it was a big deal."

"Let's forget about it for now, okay?" I said as I got her another drink and we made our way back to the dance floor. I could tell she was already a few drinks down and feeling good. She was much more uninhibited.

The way she moved practically made me come undone. She moved perfectly in time with the beat of the song. Her back was to my front and her hips swayed to the beat. I tried repeatedly not to rub up against her, but Alice was dancing in front of her and she kept backing up into me. My cock was hard as a rock. I hoped she didn't notice.

She had taken another drink from one of the waiters. I wondered how many she had. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck. She was all smiles and pink cheeks. She made me smile. I wrapped my arms around her waist as we danced. I leaned down and whispered into her ear, "You're fucking killing me in that dress tonight."

She looked up at me and grinned and shrugged her shoulders. She knew exactly what she was doing.

We shared another drink and a few more too-close dances before she started yawning. She looked for Alice, but couldn't find her.

"Walk me to my room?" she asked.

"Of course," I obliged.

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry for the delay. I had TWO fur-kid emergencies. All is well now, but I'm out $1,000. *sigh***

**To make up for it, I'm posting the next chapter tonight as well. Enjoy and thank you for the reviews, as always. 3**

**TWITTER: AllOrNothingKR**


	18. Cruise Ship Confidential 18

**Eighteen.**

I was beyond tipsy and Edward was killing me. He smelled so unbelievably good and he felt incredible. Every time I inhaled, I was addicted. His chest and shoulders were firm, his arms strong. I never wanted to stop dancing with him. Ever. I could tell I was turning him on, which made me wild with want. I couldn't remember the last time I felt like that. I don't think I ever had.

Edward walked me to my room, although I did more stumbling than anything else, too many stairs. When we got there, there was a "Privacy Please" sign hanging on the door and it wasn't exactly quiet inside.

Edward and I both giggled.

"I guess we found Alice," he joked.

I blushed. "I guess so." I looked around. "What do we do now?" I asked. "I don't want to interrupt."

"You can hang out in my room for a while?" he offered.

I nodded and we headed the opposite direction down the hall. He let us into his room and turned the light on.

"You have your own room?" I asked, noticing the double bed in the center.

"Yeah, I pay extra for it."

"Nice." I slipped my shoes off. I was exhausted. I used the bathroom and returned to find Edward stretched out on the bed.

"Do you want to lay down?" he asked.

I nodded and carefully climbed into the bed next to him. It smelled like him. I reached over and turned the light off. The room was only slightly lit by the light from the ship coming through his port hole windows.

I'm not sure who started it, but we started moving closer and closer to each other, until his lips found mine. My lips and his lips. His lips and my lips. Never have I ever, kissed another man. Never have I ever known how much I was missing out on.

Edward's lips were soft and warm. His kisses were gentle and passionate. He tasted even better than he smelled. I got carried away. Really far away.

His shirt was off. His skin was close to my skin. He was warm and strong and safe. Our hips kept rubbing against each other. He was so hard. He made everything inside me come undone. The ache between my legs was unbearable.

"Please, Edward," I begged.

He sighed into our kiss and one of his hands moved down, lower and lower until it was between my legs. He moved my panties aside and slipped his finger inside me and then out and all around me and then back inside, adding another finger. He felt so good. Even his fingers were warm, the air in the room was cool. It was a perfect mix of sensations. I couldn't keep quiet. His pace increased. His kiss became more desperate. He nibbled and suck on my bottom lip. He kissed and licked my neck. My hands were in his hair, desperately gripping as I rode his hand between my legs.

Finally, I felt that familiar tense in my lower stomach and the heat rise from my core. It ran up me like a wave until I reached my climax and screamed out. Edward kissed me to silence me. I squeezed my legs together, begging him to stop. I couldn't take any more. I saw stars and lights behind my eye lids. My entire body shook. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that good.

I pushed Edward on to his back. I straddled his waist. I kissed him while I began to unbutton his pants.

"Bella, no! You have to stop . . ."

**Author's Note: **

**To be Continued (tomorrow) . . .**

**:) **

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	19. Cruise Ship Confidential 19

**Nineteen.**

**Edward.**

As much as I wanted it, as much as I wanted her to continue, I couldn't let her.

"Stop," I said again as I pushed her hands away and slowly slid her off of me. I could tell, even in the dark light, that I had hurt her feelings.

I pulled her face to mine and kissed her again. I spoke softly against her lips. "You have no fucking idea how badly I want you, in every way, but not like this. You've had too much to drink. You'll regret this tomorrow. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to do something you'll regret. This can't be undone."

She sighed and I could see her eyes start to sparkle and fill with tears. She rolled over and turned away from me. I wrapped my arms around her. I kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, Bella. Are you okay?"

She shook her head. "I'm so confused."

"About?" I shouldn't have even asked.

"Everything. How can you feel so right, and be so wrong?" she cried.

I had no idea how to answer that. "I wouldn't exactly say that I'm wrong."

She laughed a little through her tears. "You know what I mean."

I sighed. I had no idea what to tell her. I wanted her, so fucking bad, but I cared more about her than to let her fuck up her relationship if she didn't really want to.

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"About what?" I asked.

"You. You say all the right things. You do all the right things. You make my heart race. You make me feel things I've never felt before, but is it real? Is it worth it?"

My mouth opened, but no words came out. I was so glad we were on the same page. She wasn't as drunk as I thought she was. "This is real, Bella. There's something about you that I can't explain, but I'm just fucking drawn to you. You have to decide if the risk is worth it."

She started crying harder. Sobbing. It made my chest feel tight.

"Bella? Baby, are you okay? What is it now?"

She shook her head. "You just don't understand. It's so much more than just following your feelings."

"I want to understand. Let me understand."

"I can't. Not yet. I'm not ready."

I kissed her temple. "I'll be here, whenever you're ready."

She nodded. I held her until she fell asleep. She was just as stunning in sleep as she was in wake.

**Author's Note:**

**Thank for the reviews! I promise Bella starts to open up soon. 3**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	20. Cruise Ship Confidential 20

**Twenty. **

We had a two day and three night break before we had to be back on the ship. Our home port was New Orleans. New Orleans was a new experience for me. I'd never seen a city like it before. I didn't know places like it existed. I mean, until I started this little adventure, I'd never been out of Washington, but it was still so different from what I expected.

I spent my down time relaxing in a hotel. I didn't have to leave my accommodations on board, but I wanted a few days to myself and an upgraded bathroom was a bonus.

I looked at my watch. Edward should be by any minute. I called Jake before he came over so I wouldn't feel obligated while he was here.

"Hey, babe!"

"Hey, Bella, where are you calling from?"

"We're in New Orleans for a few days and I got a hotel room. I wanted a full size bed and a real bathroom for a night!"

He laughed. "I thought you were saving your money."

"I am, it was just a minimal splurge. Employees get discounted rates."

"Oh, I see. Well, how is everything else going? Is that mean girl leaving you alone?"

"Victoria? Yeah, I've been staying out of her way as much as possible."

I heard a knocking at the door. Edward.

I quickly went to the door so the knocking would stop. I held the door open for him and placed my index finger over my lips so he would stay quiet. He brought in the pizza, beer and movies he promised.

"Is there someone at your door?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, it was just housekeeping seeing if I needed an extra towels."

"Oh, so your extended break is in another two weeks right?"

"Right. You still coming?"

"Of course. I've just got to book my flight."

"Great. I can't wait to see you. You won't recognize me with all the color I've gotten!" I couldn't help but notice Edward's awkward posture as he stood near the small desk in the room.

Jake laughed, "I'm sure you'll look amazing, as always."

"Alright, baby. I'm going to go get ready for bed and turn in early. I want to do some shopping in the morning. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Love you, Belles."

"Love you, too." I hung up the phone.

"He's coming here?" Edward asked. "When?"

I hesitantly nodded. "In two weeks. I have four days off."

Edward looked slightly frustrated. I couldn't blame him, but I didn't want him to be upset. I wanted him to grin that ridiculously cute grin and make me laugh and get butterflies in my stomach.

"Don't worry about it, Edward," I said as I walked up to him and kissed his cheek. "Let's just be here, now."

He nodded and we moved to the bed to enjoy our pizza and beer.

**Author's Note:**

**Bella starts talking about her past soon. I think it will take up the next several chapters. Enjoy! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	21. Cruise Ship Confidential 21

**Twenty-One. **

By the time our movie was over, Edward and I were both full of pizza and beer and it was getting late. I wondered if he would make a move to leave, because I wasn't going to encourage it.

We were laying back on the bed, both on our sides, looking at each other while he played with my hair. It sent little goose bumps up all over my skin. His touch often did that to me.

Suddenly he moved to sit up and before I knew what I was doing, I followed and grabbed his arm. "I don't want you to go," I whispered.

He turned and looked at me, obviously surprised. His face turned serious. "Bella, you're not the only one taking risks here. I don't want to get hurt either."

I was speechless. I was stupid. I couldn't expect him to be around forever while I continued my relationship with Jake, but for some reason, I didn't want to be without him. "I don't know what to say," I said honestly.

"Say that you're not just playing with me. Say that this has the potential to be something more than it is," he said as he moved closer to me and cupped my face in his hand.

"I'm not playing with you," I said softly. "I don't know what this is, Edward. I can't explain it. All I know is that I love being around you. I feel safe with you, and you make me smile. I don't want to hurt you, but I have a lot to work through at the same time. I cannot make any promises right now."

"Then you have to let me in; make me understand why this isn't an easy decision. Does he kiss you like this?" he said as his soft lips found mine and his tongue danced across my lips, seeking my own. He sucked on my bottom lip. It made me melt. His kisses were always so passionate and desperate.

When he finally pulled away, I said, "No."

"Does he make you feel like I do?"

"No," I whispered.

"Is there an unexplainable electricity between the two of you, like there is with us?" he asked.

I shook my head, my eyes lost in his.

"Then make me understand, Bella. Please."

I struggled for air. This subject always made my chest tighten, but for some reason it was less intense being off the ship. I owed him this much, and if this thing between us were to ever be more than it is, he had to know.

"Stay the night, and I'll explain," I offered.

"Deal."

"But you have to know, it won't be easy. I'll probably have a panic attack and need an inhaler and there will be a lot of tears. Are you sure you're ready?"

I think he thought I was kidding at first. I wasn't.

"I'm ready. Change into your pajamas, find your inhaler, and I'll get the tissues."

I couldn't help but laugh at him. He was perfect in his efforts.


	22. Cruise Ship Confidential 22

**Twenty-Two.**

By the time I changed into my pajamas and had the necessities on the nearby nightstand, I was losing courage.

I turned the lights out, but the room was still moderately lit from the street lights coming through the large window.

Edward and I were laying side by side again, facing each other. I took a deep breath. "I guess I'll start from the beginning."

He nodded. He listened.

"My mom passed away when I was three years old. It was a Sunday, father-daughter day. For as long as I can remember my Dad, Charlie, and I always spent time together on Sundays. On that Sunday, he had taken me to the beach to look for seashells and then we had a picnic. We got home late that afternoon. I was only three, but I'll never forget it. It's the earliest memory I have. I started calling for her as soon as we walked in the door. She didn't respond. I found her in the living room in dad's big recliner. I thought she was asleep. I kept asking her to wake up, but she wouldn't. I started crying and my dad came into the room and took one look at her and told me to go play out back. I didn't want to. I had a giant melt down when he lifted her eye lids. Her eyes were red and blood shot. Her skin was cold."

Edward's hand was in mine and he would squeeze it every so often.

"She died of a brain aneurysm. It was just one of those freak things that you never expect to happen. The doctors said it must have happened shortly after we left. She was gone for a while before we found her."

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Edward offered.

I nodded. The story of my mother was nothing. "There's so much more, Edward."

"I'm sorry. Go on."

"My dad was pretty much a mess for a good while after that. We spent a lot of time with his best friend, Billy's, family. Billy had a wife and a son who was about the same age as me. Billy's wife helped out a lot with me when I was younger and I was really close with their son, Jacob."

"Oh," Edward said.

"I practically didn't have a mother growing up, so I was a bit of a tom-boy. I spent most of my time with Jake and his friends, doing boy things. I don't remember having any friends in elementary school. I think the teachers warned the other kids about talking to me about my mother and so they just never talked to me. Fortunately, I had Jake. When middle school came around, things started to change for us . . ."

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry I missed getting a chapter posted yesterday. I'm posting two today to make up for it. Happy 4th of July! 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	23. Cruise Ship Confidential 23

**Twenty-Three.**

"In middle school, girls and boys started becoming boyfriends and girlfriends. It was the other kids that coined Jake and I girlfriend and boyfriend. Eventually, we came to accept it. We thought that's the way it should've been. We were best friends."

I continued, "When we were 12, Jake's mother passed away from pancreatic cancer. It was hard on everyone, but especially Jake. After her death, things really began to change for us. We got impossibly closer. He knew what it was like to lose a mother, and I could certainly relate to that. We knew each other's secrets and deepest hurts. We didn't know any other kids that didn't have moms. We spent all of our time together. We grew up together. We discovered sexuality together. We were always together. Our dad's didn't mind. My dad was fiercely protective of me, but he knew Jake was good. He even let Jake and I have sleep overs, with the door open." I laughed at the memory.

Edward laughed, too. "I'm sure you two were just perfect little angels with the door open."

I laughed, "Yeah, right. We were sixteen."

Edward smiled, squeezed my hand, and encouraged me to continue.

"So, eventually we finished high school and prepared to move to Seattle to go to college. I had always wanted to be a massage therapist and Jake always wanted to work on cars, so that's what we did. It was the day we actually left that I realized how few friends I had. It was just Jake and I saying goodbye to our fathers. I never really had many girlfriends. None, really. I spent all my time with Jake. I didn't realize the importance of friendships at the time."

"So, we moved to Seattle, we both finished school and I worked as a massage therapist at an upscale spa in the city and Jake was in the process of taking over his cousin's body shop. We were happy and moving in the right direction. We had even discussed marriage. It was just always a given that we would be together. Charlie used to even ask me why we weren't engaged yet. He was so thrilled that I had Jake."

I swallowed loudly and took a deep breath. Edward squeezed my hand.

"Some things never changed though, and one of them was father-daughter Sundays. We rotated. One Sunday I'd make the three and half hour drive back home and the next Sunday we'd meet in Port Angeles, and the next Sunday, he'd come to Seattle. We never missed a Sunday. Ever."

I took another deep breath to calm myself. I closed my eyes and gave myself a couple minutes to collect myself. It was still so hard to talk about.


	24. Cruise Ship Confidential 24

**Twenty-Four.**

"It was a Sunday morning. It was my turn to go to Forks. Jake usually made the drive with me, but he was really backed up at the shop due to some pretty bad storms that had come through. He was going to put in some extra hours at the shop. I assured him I'd be fine."

"Dad and I were supposed to go to breakfast and then we were going to go grocery shopping. He didn't take as good of care of himself when I wasn't there. I was always the one who did the cooking and cleaning, so I always made sure he had a stocked fridge and pantry when it was my turn to go to Forks."

Edward smiled at me.

"I got there just before 10:00 a.m. I knew something was off the second I pulled in the driveway. His cruiser wasn't in the drive. The front door was slightly ajar. I thought maybe there was some kind of emergency at the station and he had to leave, but he would've called me."

"When I was younger he always told me to never walk into a house with an open door, because you never knew what would be inside. To this day, I regret not taking that advice."

My heart was racing and I tried to control my breathing, but my throat was constricting at the same time.

"I went inside and immediately noticed the door to the storage space under the stairs was opened and Dad's feet were on the floor, laid out, just beyond it. I ran through the kitchen and into the living room and I froze." I couldn't catch my breath. I had never said these things out loud before, outside the interrogation room. Edward reached over me and grabbed my inhaler from the nightstand and handed it to me. I nodded gratefully and put it to my lips.

I had calmed down within a few minutes, but it didn't get any easier. I hated having to put the horrific scene in my mind into words. For some reason, I felt like talking about it would take me two steps back, back into the dark place I so desperately wanted to get out of.

**Author's Note: **

**This chap is just the beginning of several that will explain why Bella is the way she is and has the mixed emotions she has. **

**Thanks for reviewing - keep them coming! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	25. Cruise Ship Confidential 25

**Twenty-Five.**

**Edward.**

She was totally killing me. I had no idea what she was about to say, but it certainly wasn't what I was expecting.

Her eyes glazed over with tears before she continued. She looked away from me, like she was somewhere else entirely; lost.

"It was like something out of a horror movie. There was blood on the floor, the ceiling, the walls, everywhere. Dad was in a pool of blood on the floor just outside the storage space. The knife was still in his back."

Her tear filled eyes spilled over as she tried to blink away the horrific scene. I squeezed her hand, but feared getting too close.

"The safe in the storage space was open, and empty. Dad always kept his guns there. He had a pretty decent collection."

She took a few deep breaths and wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. I handed her some tissue.

"I just lost it. I don't know what happened to me. I panicked. I knew immediately that something awful happened and that he was dead. I fell to the floor and held him to me. He was ice cold. I laid there and cried for hours; hours and hours. He was my everything. He was my only parent. He was my dad. He was my hero. He was gone," she cried.

I couldn't stand it any longer and I pulled her to me and held her tighter. My heart ached for her.

"I was in shock. I didn't want to tell anyone that I'd found him like that. I thought if nobody knew, then it wouldn't be real. They wouldn't take him away. The phones started ringing sometime after dark. Charlie's phone, then my cell phone, over and over, back and forth. I refused to move. Eventually I feel asleep from exhaustion."

She was quiet for a few moments.

"It was sometime on Monday morning when they found us. Everything happened so fast and was so chaotic. I don't remember if it was Jake or the police that got there first. I just remember waking up to a lot of commotion and people trying to pull me away from him. I screamed and screamed. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to never see my Dad again."

"Bella, I am so fucking sorry, baby. You should've never had to have seen something like that."

She just cried, apparently lost in thought. Several minutes passed before she had the nerve to continue.

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks for the reviews! 3 The next chap will be posted tomorrow. Bella will go into more detail about how she ended up on the cruise ship.**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	26. Cruise Ship Confidential 26

**Twenty-Six.**

Telling this story was just as hard as I thought it would be, but having Edward there somehow made it a little easier.

"They took me to the hospital first. I was covered in his blood by that point so they weren't sure if I was hurt or what. They basically just cleaned me up and checked me out and then when they realized I was fine physically, they sent me for a psychiatric evaluation. I was there for a few days, sedated. I was too irrational and emotional when I was awake."

"When I was released, I was taken immediately to the police station and interviewed for hours. I didn't know anything."

I sighed, "It was about a week later when I learned what had happened. Some guy had left a drug rehab facility at the reservation and gotten a hold of some cocaine, which was apparently his drug of choice. He was coming down from a high and wanted more. He must have just been in the right place at the right time. He saw the cruiser in the driveway and saw it as an opportunity. He robbed and killed Charlie and took his guns. He forgot to take the piece of paper on the inside wall of the safe that had all the serial numbers listed. He tried to pawn them almost immediately. They found the cruiser and the guy a few days later. He's been in jail ever since."

Edward started to apologize again, but I stopped him by holding up my hand and shaking my head.

"I became an orphan at 25 years old. My dad was everything to me. Every. Fucking. Thing. It was torture to have to leave Forks and return to Seattle with Jake, knowing that I would never again return to the place I came from. Jake was great, he did the best he could, but I didn't want to be bothered. I had lost my job by the time we returned. I stayed in bed for days at time. On Sunday's, if Jake even looked at me the wrong way, I'd flip out. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry the entire day."

"One day, Jake sent a doctor to the apartment to see me. I was furious. I knew he was just concerned, but it pissed me off. I just wanted to mourn. After the doctor observed me and I made him get out of my room, I heard him tell Jake that he suggested he get me to a psychiatric hospital for a complete evaluation and recommended I definitely needed to be supervised and on medication," I scoffed as I padded my cheeks with an already soiled tissue.

"Over the next few days I heard Jake making phone calls. I wasn't going anywhere, not to some hospital anyway. That's when I started to pretend to be getting better and I began looking into job options. I decided I needed a break from Jake and the cruise option seemed like a great idea. I could just go and pretend it never happened. I had nothing to lose, except Jake, and I was fairly certain he wasn't going anywhere."

**Author's Note:**

**I know it sounds like there's a bit of animosity against Jake, and there was at the time, but just hear her out in the coming chapters. **

**Thank you for the awesome reviews, keep them coming. **

**Next update will be tomorrow. 3**

**Twitter: AllorNothingKR**


	27. Cruise Ship Confidential 27

**Twenty-Seven.**

I continued; I tried to make him understand.

"I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any family. I had no one, but Jake. I felt like my options were few. So, I left and ended up here. Thus far, it's been a very eye opening experience. I feel like I've missed out on so much in life. I certainly never expected to meet someone like you."

Edward smiled at me. "I've been working on cruise ships every summer since I graduated high school. I've never met anyone as incredible as you are."

"That's sweet, but you didn't even really know me until now. I'm broken. I'm worth nothing to anyone."

Edward scoffed, "That's bullshit and you know it."

I shook my head and dried my eyes again. "You don't understand. It's not just that easy, to choose. I do care about him; I love him, but most importantly, my Dad loved him. My Dad expected us to be together. Billy expects us to be together. Billy's already been trying to step up and fill that void for me, but it's not the same."

I heard Edward sigh, it sounded like defeat. "Why are you even here with me?" he asked.

Tears poured over my cheeks and I hiccuped. "Because nobody's ever made me feel the way you do," I cried. "You're the first person who ever made me smile since my Dad died. You make me feel alive again. You make me feel that him dying wasn't the end, that there could me more to my life than cooking dinner every night for Jake! In the past, Jake was someone I could relate to and wanted desperately to have around for that reason, but now, he's just a reminder of someone who knows about my Dad and wants to always make sure I'm okay and talk about it, and blah blah blah. I don't want to talk about it all the time! I don't want to remember how cold his body felt and how warm and thick his blood was on the floor. I don't want to be reminded every day that I'll never see him again!"

I was screaming before I finished. Edward pulled me into him and rubbed my back. "Shhh, it's okay. It's okay, baby."

I clung to him. I fisted his shirt up and between my fingers and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. It seemed like an hour had passed, but I'm not sure it was long at all. He never stopped rubbing my back. That's the only way I knew he was still awake. I let go of his shirt and leaned back a little bit so I could look at him. I couldn't believe what I saw. Sparkling green eyes. He blinked and a tear fell down through his lashes onto his already wet cheeks. My fingers immediately went to his face and wiped away his tears. "Why are you crying?" I sniffled.

He scoffed, "Because you're fucking killing me. I'm crying for you, because nobody, especially you, deserves to have to go through what you've been through, and I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I've only ever lost one person close to me."

"You shouldn't cry for me," I whispered.

"I care about you. You hurt; I hurt."

We moved closer and held each other. My fingers played in his hair as I cried into the crook of his neck. I didn't want to lose him. Losing him would hurt so badly, but I didn't want to lose Jake either. I didn't want to hurt Jake. I was suddenly angry for putting myself in this position.

**Author's Note:**

**Edward shares his story in the next chapter.**

**Again, thank you for the reviews. 3 **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	28. Cruise Ship Confidential 28

**Twenty-Eight.**

Several minutes passed before our cries softened.

I pulled back a little so I could see his face. "Who did you lose?" I asked quietly.

He sighed and looked away.

"I'm sorry," I offered. "We don't have to talk about. . ."

He cut me off. "No, it's okay. My brother."

"Your brother? How?" I didn't even know Edward had a brother.

He nodded. "I was born a fraternal twin. His name was Mason. We were best friends growing up, of course, what twins weren't? He started to get sick shortly after our seventh birthday. He had a rare form of leukemia. They did everything they could, but it wasn't enough. It was especially hard on my dad. At the time he was a cardiac surgeon. He was the best in his field, but oncology wasn't his specialty, but it might as well have been by the time it was all said and done. He studied everything he could. He made the doctors explore experimental treatments, he did everything he could possibly do, but it wasn't enough."

My breath caught. I had no idea. "I'm so sorry."

"I was at peace with it when it happened. Mason knew; he knew he was only destined for a short life. Our last months together, before he got too ill, were the best. We did every stupid and reckless thing that seven year old boys could do. He used to always say to me, _it's not today, Edward, but it's coming soon. I'll be gone soon. _ He would tell me it doesn't hurt and that it won't hurt and that everything is wonderful after life. He said there were endless amounts of toys and the most amazing kind of peace. He made me feel okay about it. By the time he got worse, I prayed that he could go ahead and go, and find that peace because I didn't like seeing him in so much pain. It was a relief to me, that he was at peace. It was torture to my parents, especially my dad. It was then that I decided I wanted to become a doctor. I'm specializing in pediatrics."

I was trying so hard not to cry, but it wasn't working. "I wonder if your brother has met my Dad."

Edward smiled the biggest most beautiful crooked smile. "They probably go fishing together every day. Mason loved to fish."

I laughed and cried at the same time, "So did Charlie."

**Author's Note: **

**Awwwe. Thank you again for the reviews, as always. Things start to heat up in the next few chapters. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	29. Cruise Ship Confidential 29

**Twenty-Nine.**

Edward and I slept impossibly close together the entire night. I fell asleep to him rubbing lazy circles over my arm with his fingers, and I woke up the same way.

At first, I was a little startled to wake up next to someone that wasn't Jake, but I was immediately relieved it was Edward. All our tears were gone. I felt like we'd finally reached the top of some big mountain, and now all that was left was the easy part. Unfortunately, nothing for me was ever easy.

We both showered and got cleaned up before Edward announced he was taking me to breakfast.

We walked hand in hand the couple of blocks it took to get to the little cafe. It felt amazing to have my hand in his. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was somebody, somebody important and worthy.

We shared coffee, french toast and bacon. It was delicious and it was nice to have food that wasn't from the ship.

When we passed a nail place on the way back to the hotel and I announced that I needed a pedicure and wanted to remember where the nail place was, Edward insisted I go ahead and have my pedicure.

Edward waited patiently on me while he read his newspaper. When my toes were all fresh and sparkly pink, Edward insisted on paying.

We spent the rest of the afternoon doing some shopping before we returned to my hotel room. Things got a bit awkward. We weren't sure what to do. I knew I didn't want him going back on to the ship before he had to, but I didn't know if he would want to spend the night again, either.

"Should I go?" he eventually asked.

I cautiously shook my head. "I don't want you to, but if you need to . . ."

He grinned that crooked grin that made me smile so big, I couldn't help but giggle. He was staying.

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry, this one didn't get posted yesterday. I was sad about losing a fandom member at Comic Con in San Diego. I'm sure you've all heard about what happened by now. I didn't know Gisela, but it's clear that she was loved by a lot of people and it's a tragedy that she is no longer with us. **

**Since I missed the update yesterday and this one is super short, I'm posting the next one . . . NOW. **

**Thank you for the reviews, and enjoy!**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	30. Cruise Ship Confidential 30

**Thirty. **

Everything about that night was amazing and perfect and utterly terrifying at the same time.

We got ready for bed and watched the news and we both did some reading before we turned the lights out. It was so old-couple of us.

Just as we had scooted closer together on the bed and faced each other, my phone rang. I hadn't called Jake all day.

I sighed. "I'm sorry. I haven't talked to him at all today, it will just be a minute." Edward rolled away from me. My heart felt heavy as I rolled the opposite direction and grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand.

"Hello?" I tried to sound tired.

"Hey, babe. Did I wake you up?"

"Hey, Jake. Yeah, I guess I must have fallen asleep."

"Well I hadn't heard from you and was just checking in. Go back to sleep."

I yawned. "Okay. Sorry, it's been a long day. Everything okay there?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. I just miss you."

"I miss you, too. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Okay, goodnight."

"Night, love you." I said it as softly as I could. I heard him tell me he loved me too before I hung up the phone.

Things were definitely awkward between Edward and I for a few minutes. He wouldn't roll back to the center of the bed and face me.

"Stop pouting, Edward," I teased.

He laughed. "I'm not pouting. I'm outright livid!"

I sighed. I felt horrible, but I didn't know how to change it, not right now.

Edward continued. "It just fucking sucks to be me right now," he said seriously.

I took a deep breath and tried to hold back my tears. "Me too," I whispered. "I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm doing or how I'm supposed to fix it."

He must have heard the emotion in my voice, because he was hovering over me in an instant.

"I don't want you to be confused anymore. I want you to be certain," he said softly before his lips pressed to mine in an urgent frenzy.

"I want to be certain, too," I breathed against his lips. "I _am_ certain of how I feel about you. I'm uncertain of what to do about it."

His lips immediately found mine again and my entire body instantly went limp beneath him. His lips had this incredible power over me. They were so soft, moist and needy. When he desperately sucked and nibbled on my bottom lip I felt like he was sucking everything inside of me out. In that moment, I'd give him anything in the world, so long as he never stopped kissing me like that.

I don't know how long we had been kissing and heavily petting, but it was definitely getting warm in the room. I didn't protest a bit when his hands found their way under my tank top and eventually removed it all together. The moment our lips had to part so my shirt could go over my head, nearly made me panic. When his lips weren't immediately back on mine, I realized then for the first time that I was topless before him and he was sizing me up. I tried to catch his eyes, but they wouldn't come up from my chest and stomach. I bit my bottom lip nervously, unsure of what he was thinking.

He shook his head. "Jesus fucking christ, you will be the death of me."

I smiled, took that as a good sign, and pulled his face up to mine. When his lips eventually left mine, it was only so they could place kisses and little nibbles elsewhere. My entire body was on fire like something I'd never felt before. Edward's erection was rubbing against my inner thigh and I felt like there was a pool of liquid between my legs, with a current that was just begging for him to come inside.

I was desperate, needy, and more turned on than I'd ever been in my entire life. I wanted him more than anything else in that moment, so when Jake popped into my mind, I refused to allow his image to stay there. I could at least give Edward that much.

**Author's Note:**

**Guess what happens next? That chapter will be posted tomorrow. Thanks again for the reviews! Keep em' coming! 3**

**Did you guys see the new Cosmopolis trailer? Rob is H.O.T. *fans self* I can't wait to see that one. ;)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	31. Cruise Ship Confidential 31

**Thirty-One. **

**Edward.**

I was gone. I was so fucking gone. I didn't mean for a kiss to turn into what it turned into, but I wasn't complaining either.

Bella was the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on. She was natural and soft and silky smooth. She was innocent and her blush drove me wild with want.

We had gone so far, and she was practically naked before me, with the exception of her little boy short panties, and I had no idea if I'd be able to stop myself.

I was grateful when she finally pulled my t-shirt over my head. My skin against her skin felt like something I had been searching my entire life for. It just felt right.

Her pouty lips and desperate little moans made my cock twitch with anticipation. I could feel that her center was warm and wet with need.

"I don't want you to regret this," I mumbled against her neck.

"I won't. I don't. Please, Edward. It's never felt like this before. This has to be right," she whispered against my shoulder as her nails sank into the skin on my back. I smiled to myself, knowing I was doing something better than her boyfriend ever did.

"I'm not prepared. I don't have any protection." It was my last ditch effort to stop what was about to happen. I had a drawer full of condoms on the ship and I could've fucking killed myself for not grabbing one before I left. I just never expected to end up there, like that, with her.

She giggled this ridiculously cute little giggle. "Don't laugh, but I've never even seen a condom before."

I laughed and buried my face in her neck. She was so fucking delicious and innocent. "I assume you're on the pill, then? Or something?" I asked.

"The pill and the pull out method has worked for me in the past," she smiled.

"I don't know if I'll be strong enough for the pull out method," I said seriously.

She laughed. "It doesn't matter, Edward."

I sighed. "It matters to me. I'm normally more responsible than this."

When her eyes caught mine, I'm sure she could see that they were swimming with desire and conflict. Her hand ran through my hair while she said, "I guess it's different when you've only been with one person your entire life."

She was right. It's definitely different. I didn't know anything about that. I wasn't going to lie. In my younger days, I definitely saw my fair share of women, but lately, now that I was older and knew what I wanted out of life, I was little more selective. I didn't deserve to be with a woman as innocent and perfect as she was, but in the heat of the moment, I couldn't deny myself of her either.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

She smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "I'm sure, Edward."

I grinned as I felt her little cold finger tips at the waist band of my boxers. She slid them part of the way down and then used her feet to get them down my legs before I kicked them off.

Her eyes widened as she took in the full length of my erection. I wondered how different Jake and I were, and by the look on her face, I'd say we were vastly different. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Not what you're used to?" I asked, smugly, as I slid down between her open legs and began to remove her boy shorts.

She suddenly looked scared and she shook her head. There was nothing between us now. I settled between her legs and lined myself up at her entrance. Everything inside me was shaking. I cradled her face between my hands. I kissed her cheeks, her lips, her jaw, and nibbled on her ear. "I won't hurt you, baby."

I felt her body relax beneath me a bit. "I won't hurt you. Tell me to stop whenever you want to."

She shook her head. "I wont. I won't stop."

I smiled at her tenacity and slowly let myself sink into her. She was so unbelievably tight and warm. It took me a few minutes to work my way in comfortably without hurting her. When I felt her cling desperately to me and dig her nails into my back again, I knew it was time to pick up the pace.

**Author's Note: **

**I know a few of you are a little frustrated with Bella, but just hang in there. **

**Thank you for the reviews. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	32. Cruise Ship Confidential 32

**Thirty - Two.**

Edward was so different than Jake. He was so much bigger. I always thought Jake was fairly well endowed, but obviously I had no idea what well endowed meant.

When Edward finally slipped inside me, my entire body felt full and tense and amazing. We surprisingly fit very well together. I pulled him impossibly closer to me and raised my hips slightly upward to meet every one of his thrusts. His wet lips and tongue danced over every square inch of my exposed skin. I felt cold and hot all at the same time, just in different places.

Him being inside of me was so new and different; I'd never felt anything like him before. I wanted him to feel as good as he was making me feel. I had come twice as he worked above me, and it was his turn.

It took me a minute to push him back a little bit and get him rolled over on to his back. I straddled him and allowed myself to slip over his glistening cock. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on. I never thought they were beautiful before, but his was different.

"I won't last a fucking minute with this view," he said as he took me in above him.

I smiled and giggled as I slowly moved up and down his shaft while my hands roamed all over his strong chest.

Edward's hands eventually left my breasts and found their way to my hips where he guided my pace, faster and faster. His thumb worked little circles over my bundle of nerves and I started on my third climax of the evening. He just made everything inside me come so far undone.

I felt his grip tighten on my hips, his hips bucked beneath me, his eyes squeezed shut and we came together. It was glorious.

Exhausted, I fell against him, chest to chest. I was cold, but his warm hands comforted me as they went up and down my back.

I kissed his chest. "Thank you. That was perfect."

He kissed the top of my head. "You have no fucking idea how perfect you are."

I smiled against his chest and it was the last thing I remembered before falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry I missed yesterday. Tomorrow's chapter is a little longer to make up for it. What will Alice have to say about Bella and Edward's relationship? She's chimes in during the next chapter.**

**Thank you all for the reviews! 3 **


	33. Cruise Ship Confidential 33

**Thirty - Three.**

We woke up a tangled naked mess of limbs the next morning. The sun shone brightly through the large picture window. It painted Edward in the most beautiful golden glow. As soon as he smiled at me, I couldn't help myself. We had sex again that morning before we got out of bed and again in the shower. I wanted his cock permanently between my legs, at all times. It was just that good.

I purposely hadn't allowed myself anytime to feel guilty. Edward and I were on cloud nine, and nobody was bringing us down, yet.

We had to be back on the ship before lunch. We checked out of the hotel and Edward escorted me back to my room on board.

I knew Alice was in the room, so Edward and I spoke quietly at the door.

"I'll see you for dinner later?" Edward asked.

I smiled and nodded. A new set of guests weren't arriving until the following afternoon, so neither one of us had to worry about working.

He kissed my cheek. I kissed his lips. He grinned that crooked grin and it melted me from the inside out. His fingers lingered in mine for a moment, before he finally turned to leave and I closed the door to my room.

As soon as I turned around, she was there, in my face.

"Jesus, Alice. Back off."

She laughed. "No way! You have to tell me what is going on with you two."

I shrugged my shoulders as I stepped around her. "I don't know, honestly."

"Did you guys stay together off the ship?"

I didn't see why it was any of her business. "Maybe."

Her eyes got big and she smiled a big goofy smile, and then it faltered. "What about Jake?"

"I don't know, Alice. I don't know anything right now. I'm just living in the moment."

She started gathering some of her things, as if she were about to leave.

"Well, just be careful, okay?" she said seriously.

I didn't really know what she meant. I nodded.

"I just don't want you to give everything up with Jake, and get hurt in the end."

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged her shoulders as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door. "It's just, he has a reputation, you know?"

"Edward?" I asked.

She nodded.

"What kind of reputation? What do you mean?" I felt my stomach fall a little and then it twisted in tight knots.

"Well, all I know is that last summer he had this world-wind romance with Tanya and everything was sunshine and rainbows, and then at the end of the summer, he went back to London and never saw her again. He ended it with her before he left, but she was devastated. She never came back to work after that day. Nobody even knows what happened to her."

I felt sick to my stomach. I had heard people talk about Tanya, wishing she were back. She was one of the lead talent acts on board last year apparently.

"I don't even know what's going on between us yet, Alice, but I'll be careful. Thanks for the heads up."

Alice smiled and nodded before slipping out of room. I ran to the bathroom and got sick.

**Author's Note:**

**Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?**

**Thanks for the reviews 3. We still have a LONG way to go. (I just finished chapter 73 and still have a lot to cover. I think I will have to start making the chaps a little longer!)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	34. Cruise Ship Confidential 34

**Thirty - Four.**

I spent the next four hours in my bed, crying, wondering what the hell I had just done. I didn't want to face reality just yet. I wanted to live in my little happy bubble with Edward and pretend like Jake didn't exist, but he did, and now, so did Tanya.

I didn't know what was going on with Edward and I, but I knew that I didn't want it to just be some short lived thing. It wasn't worth it to give up Jake for nothing in return. It wouldn't bother me so much if Edward just seemed into it for sex or something, but he didn't. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to know me and cared about me. He hated the idea of Jake being in the picture, but if this was just a summer fling, then why even bother?

I was so confused. I hated the thought of never seeing Edward again after the summer ended. Was he using me? Was I his summer fling? Am okay just being his summer fling? Ugh. I had so many questions and zero answers. I knew I had to talk to him, but I wasn't ready yet.

I was startled by the knock on my door. I looked at the time and realized it was probably Edward collecting me for dinner.

I had decided before I even answered the door that I was going to cancel. I hadn't even changed clothes and I'm sure I looked a mess.

I slowly opened the door, and diverted my gaze down to the floor. He had on pretty shoes. Everything about him was pretty.

I could practically hear him deflate.

"Bella?" He lifted my chin with his index finger. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't look at him. I suddenly just felt stupid and insufficient. "I'm just not feeling well. I'm going to stay in tonight. I'll see you tomorrow?" I said as I tried to close the door.

He wasn't having it. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. "Do you regret it?" he asked.

I turned away from him. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

I heard him sigh. "You said you wouldn't do this. I didn't want you to feel like this. Have you talked to him?"

"It's not about him," I said softly. "Please go. I just need some time to myself."

"Bella," he pleaded.

I shook my head. "No, not now."

His head fell into his hands before they ran through his out of control copper locks. His face was flushed. He said nothing. He turned and left.

The door closed behind him.

I changed into my pajamas and took two sleeping pills, convinced I didn't want to feel anything else for the rest of the evening. Sleeping pills were my sanctuary after my dad was killed. I knew they wouldn't let me down.

**Author's Note:**

**Don't panic, she will ask him about it. She isn't just taking what Alice said as the truth, but it was a bit of an eye opener for her. **

**Thank you for the reviews, as always. 3**

Twitter: AllOrNothingKR


	35. Cruise Ship Confidential 35

**Thirty - Five.**

I was up early the next morning. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to talk to Jake. I called him before I headed out for breakfast.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Bella. What a nice surprise to hear from you so early," he teased.

I laughed. "I know, I was determined to make time for a phone call today. It's embarkation, so I'll probably be pretty busy later."

We talked about the shop and the apartment. Everything seemed fine without me. I knew it would be.

"I've got to get to work, Belles, but I got my flight booked and the hotel and everything is set for my visit."

"That's great, I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait to see you either, I wish it was more than just four days."

"I know, but it will still be worth it."

"It will be. I'll talk to you later, okay? Have a good day."

"Thanks, Jake. Love you."

"I love you, too, Bella."

I felt better after talking to him. He was my safe place, he always had been. I really was looking forward to his visit. I was hoping it would help clear my head. I'd either love seeing and being with him again, or I'd wish I was with Edward.

I finished getting ready for work and headed to the crew dining hall for a quick breakfast.

I ate my bagel and sipped my coffee by myself. Breakfast was my favorite part of the day in the dining hall. Everyone was tired and kept to themselves. There was no sign of Edward, which I wasn't expecting anyway, he wasn't an early riser.

I made my way to the spa and did some cleaning and prepping before embarkation and the spa tours began. I chatted up this nice older gentleman from Australia who insisted he would be back to see me later in the week. I could tell by the way he was dressed that he was made of money, so I laid on the charm. I wasn't a shallow girl, but a good tip could make a big difference in your weekly pay on this ship.

I was tired by the time my shift ended. I went back to my room, which was void of Alice, and I showered and changed clothes. I did some cleaning and laundry before heading back to the crew hall for dinner.

This time, Edward was already there, mid-meal. He had already spotted me and if I sat alone, it would be really obvious that I was avoiding him. The only saving grace is that he was seated with a few of the other bar tenders. I wasn't avoiding him forever, I just wanted and needed to talk to him, and the crew hall wasn't the place.

"May I?" I asked, before I joined them.

All the guys nodded.

"Of course," Edward said. "Are you feeling better?"

I nodded my head.

We all ate in relative silence. A few of the guys exchanged small talk. Edward and I starred at each other across the table, surely wondering what the other was thinking. All I could think about was how fucking beautiful he was and how he made everything inside me turn to mush. He was in his bar tending attire of khaki shorts and a turquoise polo, so I assumed he was heading to work.

A few moments later, he stood, cleared his dishes, and came around to my side of the table. He leaned down and spoke into my ear.

"Come see me on the pool deck later, will you?"

I couldn't turn to look at him. I just nodded and then he was gone.

I finished my dinner and headed to the main show of the evening so I could watch Alice work her magic.

I never made it to the pool bar.

**Author's Note:**

**I promise they talk about Tanya in the next few chapters and we get Edward's side of the story! **

**Thanks for the reviews, as always. 3**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	36. Cruise Ship Confidential 36

**Thirty - Six. **

**Edward.**

It was a shitty fucking night. I didn't care that I had made a small fortune in tips from all the big breasted bimbos on deck that night. All I wanted was for her to show up. As it got closer to midnight and my shift was beginning to wined down, I knew she wasn't coming. She probably never had any intention to. I didn't understand what happened. We spent a couple of amazing nights together, and then I leave her for a handful of hours and she's completely changed her mind about me?

I knew she may have some concerns or regrets after the fact, due to Jake, but she didn't just have to completely shut me out. I was really starting to think I had a chance with her. I don't know where I went wrong, but I couldn't fucking stand her not talking to me. I hated being on the fence. I hated being the guy in the background. I had never felt about anyone the way I did about her, and I thought she felt the same way about me. I needed to know what was going on. I couldn't wait any longer.

After my shift ended I went straight to her room. It was just before 1:00 a.m. I ignored the _privacy please_ sign hanging on the door. I knew Alice wouldn't be in yet. I knocked lightly at first, and when I didn't hear so much as a peep on the other side, I knocked louder and louder until I heard the lock turning on the other side.

She had obviously been asleep, but she looked so fucking good. She was wearing a tight white tank top and little dark purple boxer shorts. Her perfect breasts were perky and alert. I wish I had never looked at them, they made me do stupid things. Her hair was wild and wavy, her eyes huge.

"What are you doing? You scared me to death. Jesus Christ, Edward!" she screamed at me, but I didn't care. It was so hard not to touch her.

"You said you'd come to the bar. You never came."

She sighed. "I was too tired after I left Alice's show. Do we really have to do this right now? What time is it?"

"Yeah, we do. It's around 1:00 a.m. I need to know what's going on. I can't stand this."

She blew out a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair. She grabbed her room key from the vanity. "Let's go to your room. Alice will be back soon."

I allowed her to lead the way. I couldn't help but stare at her ass. I should've never fucking slept with her. She was so fucking perfect beneath her clothes that it was all I could think about.

We entered my room and I just left the lights off. She crawled right into my bed. I quietly celebrated as I changed out of my work clothes and into a pair of boxers and a gray t-shirt.

By the time I crawled into bed next to her, I thought she was asleep. Her breathing was even and rhythmic. When I touched her she tensed. My chest felt tight. I saw her eyes squeeze further shut, and a little tear run down the side of her nose.

"Bella? Baby, what is it?"

She rolled over to face me, but didn't say anything.

"Just tell me. Whatever it is, just tell me. We'll figure it out." I prayed she wasn't about to tell me that she wanted us to stop whatever it was were doing. I absolutely could not handle that.

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry I skipped a day. My RL is out of control and I just never made it to the computer. **

**Of course, I'm posting the next chapter now since I was such a failure yesterday. **

**Enjoy and thank you for the reviews. **

**Edward explains his side of the story in the next chapter.**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	37. Cruise Ship Confidential 37

**Thirty - Seven.**

I melted into a cozy little sanctuary when I got into Edward's bed. It was cool and soft and plush and smelled just like him. I folded myself between the sheets and wished things would just go back to the way they were. Don't they always say ignorance is bliss?

Unfortunately, my emotions got the best of me and I had to face the music. I rolled over to face him.

I took a deep breath. "I'm just confused, Edward. I just don't know what I want."

I could feel his heart stop beating for a moment. He didn't even blink. He looked terrified, like he knew what I was going to say. I pushed on his chest. "Don't look at me like that."

"Then don't fucking break my heart!" he yelled angrily.

I turned to a puddle of sobs. "Who is going to break whose heart here?" I yelled back. He seemed like he had good intentions with me and I didn't even know his side of the story yet, but reality was not in my favor. Edward and I had a lot working against us, and it wasn't just Jake.

Recognition seemed to flash before his eyes. "What do you mean, Bella? Are you saying? I would never . . ."

"Tell me about Tanya," I said softly.

His green eyes grew impossibly larger. Even though the room was dark, I could see the pink highlighting his chiseled cheeks. "Tanya? Seriously? Is that what the fuck this is about? Who have you been talking to?"

"Alice. Everyone. They all talk about how great she was and how you broke her heart."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh my, God," he laughed. He seemed relieved. I was getting irritated.

His arms were around me in an instant and his lips pressed firmly into my collar bone. I pushed him back. "Stop. Tell me," I begged.

He kissed me again. "I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking relieved you're not saying you never want to see me again."

I scoffed. "The night is still young," I teased.

He laughed and nudged me. "Yeah, right. Tanya should be the very least of your concerns."

"Well, everyone seems to have an impression of what happened, so why don't you fill me in on your version."

"I won't lie. Tanya was the princess of the ship. She was everyone's favorite girl. She was beautiful, but not as beautiful as you are." His fingers played in my hair as he spoke. "She was a nice girl; she was very sweet. She was exactly what everyone thought she was. We dated last summer. Everything was great, she was great, but I knew that she wasn't my forever. I wasn't going to go back to London and back to med school while she sailed around the world and was the queen of talent every night. It would've made me insanely jealous. When she offered to quit and move to London to be with me, I couldn't let her. I mean, she was wonderful, but I just didn't see her as my wife one day and I couldn't allow her to give up her dreams for false hope. I wouldn't do that to her, or to anyone."

I sighed. I didn't know what that meant. He wouldn't do that to anyone, including me. Did I have false hope? I didn't even know what I wanted.

"What else do you want to know?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said quietly.

His arm was wrapped around me, his fingers drew lazy circles on my lower back, while his other hand cradled my face and his thumb made long strokes across my cheek bone.

"So, you did break her heart?"

He sighed. "I guess she wasn't exactly thrilled with the way things ended."

"So, she was just your summer fling?"

"I wouldn't say that, necessarily. I began dating her with good intentions. I enjoyed her company. She was a really great girl. I wanted to see where things would go, but they just didn't go very far. Tanya was an actress. She was vivacious and put 110% into everything she did. Her dream was to be on broadway one day, not on a cruise ship. I couldn't give her broadway. Ever. A wife on Broadway isn't how I saw my life panning out. I just didn't know how passionate about acting she was until I really got to know her better. I wouldn't take that away from her, so I ended things before they went too far."

Hm. That all made sense. Maybe everyone just made Edward out to be the bad guy, or they just felt sorry for Tanya.

"I don't know why everyone thinks I broke her heart. I think I did what was best for her. I actually spoke with her a few weeks ago. She's supposed to be coming back, signing another contract in a few weeks."

"Oh, great," I laughed. "Let's add your ex-girlfriend into this fucked up situation."

Edward laughed, too. It made me smile. "She won't be a problem. She is nothing compared to you. Nothing."

**Author's Note: **

**We've got Jake's visiting coming up in a few chapters. For those of you who hate Bella and the way she's acting, you're going to hate her even more before it gets better. Try not to get your panties in a wad. :) 3 **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	38. Cruise Ship Confidential 38

**Thirty - Eight.**

Things were quiet between us for a few minutes. Edward placed lazy opened mouth kisses on my shoulder, collar bone, neck, cheeks, and lips. He was driving me crazy, but I wasn't ready to give into his spell.

"Edward?" I mumbled against his skin.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Am I your summer fling?"

All his movements froze immediately. He leaned back to look at me. His forehead was scrunched up in confusion.

"Is that what you think?" he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know."

"Bella, you are so much more than a summer fling. If there wasn't this giant fucking magnet pulling me to you every second of every day, I never would've dreamt of trying to be with you. I don't usually date women who have live in boyfriends," he laughed, "but there is just something other worldly about you that I cannot explain. When I am with you, everything feels right. When I'm away from you, I'm lost. I don't know how else to explain it, other than that I have lived everyday of my life searching for something and when I'm with you, I have it."

He killed me. He fucking killed me. I felt exactly the same way, except I hadn't searched my entire life for "something." I didn't even know "something" existed until I met him.

"I'm just scared," I said honestly. "You represent so much risk. Your contract is up a month before mine. You live on a different continent. I don't want to hurt Jake. There's so much working against us."

"How many risks have you taken in your life, Bella?"

I didn't have to think long about that. "One," I said honestly.

"How is it working out for you?"

I captured his lips between mine. I allowed my tongue to trace his bottom lip before I sucked it firmly between mine and kissed him again and again and again. "It's working out pretty well," I beamed, and he smiled against my lips. "Point well taken," I offered before he had pushed me on to my back and assaulted me with wet-warm kisses and laughter. Happiness. Bliss. Ecstasy. Edward made them all happen. He made all the pain go away, and I was addicted to the feeling he gave me in return.

**Author's Note:**

**I missed yesterday, so you're getting 2 chapters tonight. Enjoy and thanks for the reviews as always. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	39. Cruise Ship Confidential 39

**Thirty - Nine. **

The last week and a half was pretty freaking amazing. Edward made me feel so good in so many different ways that I couldn't deny myself anymore. I wanted everything he was offering and more. We made an agreement to just live in the moment and not to think about the real world beyond the ship until we had to. I had practically moved into his room.

However, reality was quickly approaching. Edward was ignoring it with a fierceness I didn't know he was capable of. I, on the other hand, was beginning to panic.

It was my last night on board before we returned to port and I had four days off, with Jake. I told Edward I was going to stay in my room for the night. I felt like I needed some time to let his scent wear off of me. He wasn't pleased. He had to work late anyway, and I needed my rest.

I tossed and turned well into the night. I played things over and over in my mind. I'd get up and look in the mirror to inspect every square inch of my body. Was there any sign of him? Did I look any different? Would Jake know?

I was a nervous wreck and as much as I was trying to free myself of him temporarily, all I wanted was Edward.

Shortly after 2:00 a.m., I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed Edward's room key from the vanity and made my way down to his room. I didn't even bother knocking.

He rolled over in his bed as I entered. The light from the hallway illuminated his naked chest and messy sleep hair.

"Finally," he groaned as he moved over in the bed and allowed me to climb in next to him. "Couldn't stay away, could you?" he teased.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I couldn't sleep without you." I snuggled up into his side. Our legs tangled together. He was so warm and smelled so good. He instantly put me at peace, until he opened his mouth again.

"You have no fucking idea how hard the next four nights will be for me."

I sighed, but didn't speak.

"Does he hold you while you sleep, like I do? Will you sleep with him? Will you let him touch you the way I do? Ugh, Bella. I can't do this. I can't. This will drive me fucking crazy."

I just held him tighter and buried my face in his perfect chest. "I'm sorry, Edward."

"Are you going to tell him about us? Now that he will be here in person, it would be a good time, right?" he asked.

"I don't know," was all I could offer. I lied, though. I knew. I had no immediate intentions of telling Jake about Edward. It was too soon. I had to think about myself. I had to protect myself. I would always love Jake as a friend. Always. He was practically family. He was the only family I had. Whatever was going on between Edward and I was still new and fresh and although I was crazy about him, I had no idea how it would end. What if at the end of his contract he came to the same conclusion about me as he did about Tanya? I'd be stupid to tell Jake about Edward now and lose everything. What if Edward and I didn't work out in the end? Where would I go? I'd have nothing. No one. No one in the entire world. Edward had a family. He had friends. Jake was my only lifeline and I wasn't ready to cut the cord yet.

**Author's Note:**

**I know some of you will hate Bella for that. Patience please. **

**Until next time . . .**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	40. Cruise Ship Confidential 40

**Forty.**

**Edward.**

I don't think either of us slept that night. We both tossed and turned and held each other extra tight.

When Bella finally gave up shortly after the sun rose, I was less than pleased.

"Stay a little longer," I begged, as she sat up in the bed and ran her fingers through her messy sleep hair. She sighed. I love her hair that way; messy, wavy and wild.

"I need to go get ready," she said as she grabbed her phone from the window's edge. "He's already here. He got in late last night."

I sat up next to her and exhaled a deep breath. "Can I least bring you breakfast first? You need to eat." I was trying to stall her. "It will settle your stomach," I offered. I could tell she was nervous.

"Sure. Breakfast, then I have to go."

I jumped out of bed, pulled on some lounge pants and a t-shirt and headed to the crew dining hall. I grabbed a few bagels, muffins and juices and headed back. When I got back to my room I set the tray on the vanity.

"I forgot the coffee. I'll be right back."

Bella laughed. "Don't worry about it, Edward."

"No, I should. You hardly slept."

"So, you want me to be awake and alert around Jake?" she teased me as she bit into a banana nut muffin.

"You do make a good point. Screw the coffee."

She giggled and it made my heart swell. How would I ever survive the next for days without her?

We shared our breakfast in silence. I ate slowly. She ate quickly. She waited patiently for me to finish. I strung her along until I could no more.

Her small little fingers pushed away the last few crumbs of muffin from her rose colored lips. She looked away from me. "I better go," she said as she stood. She grabbed her phone and door key.

I ran my hands anxiously through my hair and pulled on the ends. I didn't fucking want this. I didn't want her to go, not to him. Her arms around my waist and her little body pushing itself up against mine snapped me out of my temper tantrum. My arms were around her in an instant. I inhaled her strawberry scented hair, now mixed with the scent of banana.

"Please, don't hurt me," I whispered. I was such a fucking pussy, but she held all the power. She could break me. I felt her sob before I heard it. Her entire body shook and I held her tighter. "I'm sorry," I offered, my statement was not meant to upset her.

She looked up at me with her dark chocolate eyes. They sparkled with new layer of tears. "I'll talk to you as soon as I can, okay? Don't call me or text me, please."

I tried to with hold my anger and my immediate desire to protest. "I'll try my best. I make no promises."

In an instant her lips were on mine, between mine, all over mine, and then she was gone. Just like that, she was gone and I was alone.

**Author's Note:**

**Yikes, I know ya'll be hatin Bella right now, just hang in there!**

**I failed yesterday (thanks to the TCAs and the Bachelorette finale [don't judge]), so two chapters for you again. **

**Thanks for the reviews. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	41. Cruise Ship Confidential 41

**Forty - One.**

Leaving Edward was harder than I had anticipated it would be. The tortured look on his face completely tore me up inside. I couldn't imagine how he felt. I would die before I allowed him to go play house with another girl. My stomach was in knots as I made my way back to my room. I showered quickly and packed a small bag before debarking.

I took a cab into the business district where Jake's hotel was. I sent him a text letting him know I was on my way and he sent me the room number.

I concentrated on blocking out Edward the entire length of the cab ride. I just had to forget about him for a few days. It was only a few days. I even practiced my smile. I know it was ridiculous, but I felt like Jake would be able to look at me and know I'd done something terrible. I wanted to believe that I hadn't wasted my entire life with Jake, that what we had was real, but Edward made it all seem so meaningless, like I didn't know what love was until I met him.

I pushed it all from my mind as I stepped out of the cab and took my bag from the driver before paying him.

I headed straight to the elevator bank and made the short trip up to the 10th floor. I followed a long hallway around to the right where I found room 1018. I hesitantly knocked on the door as I took a deep breath and blew it out.

It swung open quicker than I expected, and there he was; tall, dark and handsome with a big smile.

"Jake," I smiled.

We hugged each other. I let myself relax in his arms. Everything was okay. I was home. Jake was home. He was warm and his smell was familiar and safe, even if it reminded me of exhaust and paint fumes.

As soon as I pulled back from him, his lips were on mine. They were familiar, but different. His lips were fuller than Edward's, but I found I liked Edward's more. I was conscientious of everything. Did I kiss him differently than before?

"I missed you," he said against my lips. "You look so good. Color looks good on you. I cannot remember the last time I saw you smile."

I laughed a little bit. I had smiled so much lately with Edward that I had forgotten how depressing things were between Jake and I before I left.

We chatted for a bit before I unpacked my small bag and we talked about what we were going to do the rest of the day. Jake wanted to see New Orleans, and I wanted to see more of it, so that was first on the agenda.

I wondered if he noticed how closely I kept my phone to myself at all times, or how I secretly longed for Edward.

**Author's Note:**

**So, yeah. Here we go. It's not as bad as you think. I think. **

***hugs* **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	42. Cruise Ship Confidential 42

**Author's Note: *taps the mic* is anyone left out there? *sigh* Rough couple of days in the fandom. I'm assuming the number of people reading B/E fic is going to greatly diminish - I hope you're not one of them. Certain people can handle this type of thing and certain people cannot. I can. **

**Before you judge her, you have to know her and you don't. Yes, I have no fucking idea what she was thinking, yes I'm angry and disappointed, no I'm not going to hate her or dislike her or threaten her. She is a young 22 year old girl. She's hardly experienced life or learned the lessons young girls are supposed to learn. She's never had her heart broken by someone. She grew up too fast and dealt with adult feelings and emotions before her time. You have no idea how many walls she has had to put up and live behind and you don't know the circumstances surrounding what happened. **

**Raise your hand if you did something stupid when you were 22? I did. I did exactly what she did, but worse. It wasn't just kissing. There were witnesses. Our friends. Of course, there was alcohol and I wasn't thinking properly. It meant nothing to me. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. It meant something to my boyfriend at the at the time. He wasn't forgiving. Unless you've been there and done that, you cannot understand the pain and guilt associated with ruining your own life - knowing that you hurt the only person that ever mattered in your young life. Knowing that he'll never forgive you and in an instant everything you had known was gone. AND. YOU. DID. IT. TO. YOURSELF. It's the worst feeling imaginable. **

**People make mistakes and we learn from them. We are not perfect. Neither is she. Many relationships survive and thrive after infidelity. It doesn't make people monsters or incapable of loving. **

**I know everyone has strong opinions, but that was mine. If it's all true - my heart goes out to Rob and my heart aches for Kristen and the guilt and horror and humiliation she will face. **

**Interestingly enough, here's chapter 42, which deals with infidelity. **

**Please let me know if you all want to continue the story or not. **

**Forty - Two. **

After a long day of site seeing and shopping, Jake and I made our way back into the hotel and towards the elevator bank.

It was an instantaneous reaction. I dropped Jake's hand and nearly choked on my own spit when I saw Edward sitting in the hotel lobby reading a paper and peering over the top of it.

I looked away immediately and tried to cover for myself, using my hand to cover my mouth. "Sorry," I coughed and laughed at my ability to choke on air. Jake patted me on the back a few times and was oblivious to Edward.

I was tired when we returned to our room and I was relieved when Jake announced he was going to take a shower before bed.

As soon as I heard the bathroom door click closed, I grabbed my phone.

_What the hell are you doing? You almost got me in trouble! - Bella_

_I wanted to see my competition. Chill out. Are you alright? - Edward_

I sighed. I couldn't be mad at him, it was my fault for telling him where we were staying. I contemplated whether or not I had enough time to run down to the lobby and see him. Jake took quick showers. I decided against it.

_I'm fine. - Bella_

_Don't be mad at me. It's natural to want to see what you're up against. He is enormous, like a fucking tree. - Edward_

I laughed out loud. _Lol, he's not a tree. - Bella_

_Defending him already? - Edward_

I rolled my eyes. _Go away, Edward. You're too distracting. - Bella_

_I can't stay away from you. I have to be back on board by 10:00 a.m. and then we're at sea for three days before we return. I'll be in room 1201 all night. Come to me when you can. - Edward _

Oh my, God. I felt my stomach float upwards in anticipation. He was so crazy. There was no way.

_Edward Cullen! I can't! How would I even . . . you are so crazy. I miss you, though. - Bella_

_Try. Please. After he goes to sleep, just sneak out. Don't make me pull the fire alarm. - Edward._

I giggled. I heard the shower shut off. _Don't you dare! I'll try, but no promises. If I don't see you, be good without me. I have to go. - Bella_

_Goodnight, beautiful girl. I miss you terribly. My mind is full of horrible visions of you and a tree. _

I covered my mouth just before my laughter escaped and the bathroom door opened.

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	43. Cruise Ship Confidential 43

**Forty - Three.**

Jake and I settled into bed and I felt myself start to get anxious. We hadn't had sex since the weekend before Charlie was murdered. I wasn't in the right frame of mind before. I wouldn't even let Jake near me. I just wanted to mourn on my own. Alone.

I wasn't really surprised when I felt him pull my body towards his in an effort to spoon.

"I'm so proud of you, Bella. You seem so much happier, like you're really doing better now."

"It's never easy, Jake. Not a day goes by, not one single day, that I don't think about that night. His body is the last thing I see every night when I close my eyes."

Jake sighed and held me tighter and kissed my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Bella. I miss him, too."

I felt the tears prickle at my eyes and I got frustrated, angry even. I had been doing so well. I didn't want to remember anymore. I didn't want to feel the pain and the tightness in my chest anymore. I just wanted to be carefree and happy, the way I was when I was with Edward.

"I know," I said quietly. "Me too. So much."

Jake kissed my cheek. "Goodnight, Bella."

I exhaled a deep breath. "Goodnight." I was kind of grateful he brought up Charlie. It definitely changed the mood in the room and now any type of intimate encounter was successful squandered.

When I heard him snoring softly, I carefully inched my way out from beneath his arms. He was so big and heavy and uncomfortably warm. When I was free of him, I felt myself relax a bit.

I turned my phone on silent and dim.

_He's asleep. I'm going to give it a couple more hours, just to be sure. If I fall asleep, text me. It's on vibrate. - Bella_

_Hours? I'm going to pull the fire alarm. - Edward_

I smiled to myself. _ No! Be patient. When I'm sure he's really asleep, I'll come and be able to stay for a bit. If you pull the alarm he'll be up and our time will be limited. - Bella_

_Smart girl. I can't wait to see you. I hope you didn't do anything special to make him fall asleep so soon. - Edward_

I rolled my eyes. _None of your business, Edward. - Bella_

_The hell it isn't. - Edward_

_I didn't do anything to put him to sleep, but even if I did . . . he is technically my boyfriend. - Bella_

_Are you trying to piss me off? - Edward_

_No. I'm just being honest. - Bella_

_Then what the hell am I? - Edward_

I didn't know how to tell him that he was everything. _We're not having this conversation right now. Do you still want me to come? - Bella_

_Of course, I do. - Edward_

_Sneaking out now. - Bella_

I carefully inched my way off the bed. I was freaking irritated that Edward expected me not to be intimate with Jake at all. Edward didn't even know anything about Jake and I's sex life, or the lack their of lately. I know Edward wanted me to tell him, I just wasn't ready yet. I knew, even with our limited time together, I didn't want to be intimate with Jake. It felt wrong. I had to figure everything out first.

Once I was off the bed I stood silently nearby to see if Jake stirred, he didn't. I inched closer and closer to the door. I stopped by the bathroom and grabbed one of the robes from the back of the door and slipped it over my shorts and tank top.

I very quietly opened the door and just opened it wide enough to slip through. I closed the door very gently and listened for any sign of life on the other side. There was none. I slipped around the corner and into the stairwell. I didn't want to be caught on the elevator in my robe.

I had anxious butterflies in my belly by the time I made it to 1201. I wasn't sure if they were there because I was getting to see Edward, or because I was afraid Jake was going to wake up and realize I was gone. This was by far the craziest, most thrilling thing, I'd ever done.

**Author's Note: **

**Thank you all so much for the kind messages and reviews. Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time writing (not just this, but in general) and not enough time living. I was always afraid I'd come out of the fog one day and realize all my friends were gone. That day was today. Truly good friends are so hard to come by. If you have them, work to keep them. **

***steps of soapbox***

**I'll post the next chapter now. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**

***Also, I apologize in advance for any typos/errors. I've had a few beers.**


	44. Cruise Ship Confidential 44

**Forty - Four. **

**Edward.**

It was nearly midnight when I heard her lightly tapping on the door to my hotel room. I pulled myself up from the couch to let her in.

I was a little surprised to see her in a white terry cloth robe and I immediately wondered if she was wearing anything under it.

"Hi," she smiled at me. It was all innocent and nervous-like. It made me smile and laugh and my heart beat fast.

"Hi, beautiful. Come in." I stood back and held the door open for her.

"Whoa, is this penthouse or something?" she asked as she took in the surroundings of the suite.

I laughed, "No, it's just a supreme suite."

"It looks expensive."

I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn't quite yet filled Bella in on my family's financial status. "Jake couldn't splurge and get you a suite?" I teased her.

She gave me warning look.

I held up my hands in surrender. "Sorry!"

She inhaled a deep breath and blew it out. I went to her because I had been dying to touch her since she walked in the door. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my bare chest. "Relax, baby. Every thing is okay."

"Easy for you to say," she scoffed.

I pulled back and looked at her. "Well, if you're so worried, go back."

Her eyes quickly met mine. "No," she said firmly.

I smiled and hugged her again. "I'm glad you're here."

I felt her arms squeeze me tighter around the waist. The familiar strawberry scent of her shampoo comforted me. We swayed back and forth for a few minutes.

"I'm so confused and scared, Edward."

"Don't be," I said as I kissed the top of her head.

She looked up at me and her eyes sparkled with tears. It made my chest feel tight inside.

"Let's not worry about it now, okay? We promised, live in the moment, remember?"

She nodded. "I won't see you for three days."

"Don't remind me."

"Leave me with something to remember?" she asked, barely above a whisper.

I had an immediate erection and quickly planted my desperate lips on hers. While we kissed, we backed into the bedroom until the backs of her knees hit the bed. I untied her robe and was slightly disappointed that she was clothed in shorts and a tank top. They were quickly discarded, as were my sleep pants.

I could never get over the way she looked at my cock, like it was something fucking magical and unbelievable. She made my ego soar.

Once on the bed, she climbed on top of me and tried to lead, but I rolled her over onto her back. She didn't protest.

I placed soft kisses all over her body, while I secretly inspected it for any signs of him. There were none. It took everything inside me not to mark her.

She was a hot, wet and writhing mess beneath me by the time I had finished my inspection.

"You're honest, to me," I whispered without thinking as I entered her.

"What?" she whispered hoarsely.

"Nothing, Bella. It's nothing."

Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. I kissed her forehead as I moved inside of her. "Nothing, sweet girl."

She seemed appeased and began to meet each of my thrusts with her own. We each fought for control, back and forth. Her desperate little whimpers, warm breath against my ear and hands pulling my hair were enough to send me over the edge at precisely the same time she went. Hearing her call my name loudly as she came was music to my ears.

"Am I the only one who makes you feel like this?" I breathed as I thrust every last ounce of myself into her.

"Yes. God, yes, Edward. Only you," she cried out.

I fell on top of her, exhausted, unable to support myself anymore. My entire body felt like jello.

I felt her shudder beneath me as she rode the final wave of her orgasm. "You're the most exquisitely beautiful thing I've ever seen," I said quietly against her shoulder.

When she didn't respond and I didn't feel her move at all in response to what I'd said, I opened my eyes to find hers staring back at me, pooled with tears. I didn't know what to say and I was afraid to ask. The last thing in the world I wanted to talk about was him. She better not have been thinking about him. I was surprised when she pulled me closer to her and began loudly sobbing into the crook of my neck.

"Bella, baby, what is it?" I moved back so I could see her face. "Shh, it's okay, sweetheart," I tried to soothe her.

"I forgot my room key," she cried.


	45. Cruise Ship Confidential 45

**Forty - Five.**

I was fucking freaking out. Edward was wonderful and he made me feel wonderful and beautiful and like I was something special, but as soon as we both reached our climax and the thought of returning to my room hit me, I realized my grave error.

I hadn't brought a room key with me.

I was still crying into Edward's shoulder, clinging on to him, when he laughed and tried to soothe me.

"It's alright, honey. Stop crying. All you have to do is go to the front desk and ask for one. It's no big deal."

I leaned back and looked at him. "Really?" I wasn't well traveled. This was only my third time ever in a hotel.

"Really."

I was so exhausted and emotionally drained, that I continued to cry anyway. Edward didn't say anything else, he just held me and let me cry.

After I was all cried out, it was time for the inevitable.

"Will you come with me?" I asked.

"Of course."

We both got up and dressed and headed downstairs. "I'll wait here," he said as he stayed around the corner from the front desk, just let them know you locked yourself out. I nodded and went to the front desk, grateful the posh lobby was mostly deserted.

"Hi, um, I accidently locked myself out of my room, can I get another key? It's 1018."

The lady behind the desk started typing on her computer. "That room is registered to Jacob Black?" she sort of asked.

I nodded. "That's correct, he's my boyfriend."

"Unfortunately his name is the only one on the reservation. I'll just need to call the room really quick to make sure it's okay I provide you with another key." She started to pick up the phone, I practically screamed.

"No!"

She slowly set the phone down. "He's sleeping. I don't want to wake him." I could see Edward motioning me over from the corner of my eye.

I sighed, frustrated. "Just forget it. I'll go knock and wake him up myself," I said, defeated.

I was crying before I even made it the 10 feet to Edward. "What am I going to do? I'm not ready for this. It wasn't supposed to be now. Not like this."

His hands were on my shoulders. "Calm down. You're freaking out about nothing. It's okay, I have another plan."

Edward left me standing by the elevators while he went to the lounge area and grabbed a newspaper. He returned to my side and pushed the up button on the elevator and handed me the paper.

"You couldn't sleep, and didn't want to wake him with the lamp light. You're used to the ship rocking you to sleep at night. You stepped out to go read in the lounge and forgot your key."

I gasped. "You're amazing."

He smiled, and then looked away with a more serious look on his face. "No, I'm really fucking stupid for helping you come up with a cover, when I really wish he knew so I could have you all to myself."

I sighed, "Edward, please. Not now. I'm just not ready," I said as I reached for him.

"I know you're not. I don't want you to hurt. That's why I'm helping you," he said quietly.

I shook my head as a few warm tears traveled down my cheeks. "I don't deserve you."

I felt his lips against my forehead and my eyes closed on their own accord. "You deserve so much more."

I shook my head in disagreement.

"Run to the ladies room and rinse your face so you don't look like you've been crying and I'll walk you up."

I nodded and excused myself.

A few moments later we were both standing at the end of the 10th floor hallway, just beyond room 1018.

**Author's Note: Thanks for continuing to read and thank you for reviewing. 3 **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	46. Cruise Ship Confidential 46

**Forty - Six.**

"Everything will be fine," he said as he handed me the newspaper.

I took a deep breath and nodded my head, willing myself to believe the lie I was about to tell. "I'm going to miss you so much."

He hugged me. I melted into his embrace. I desperately tried to keep my tears at bay. I pulled back a little, just enough to lean up and kiss his perfect lips.

He kissed me in return, but his kiss was soft, tender and gentle.

"I want to give you so much more, but after I kiss you like I really want to, your lips get all pouty and extra pink."

I laughed half heartedly. I loved that he was protecting my secret.

He kissed me again quickly on the cheek. "Go on. I don't know if my cell will work at sea. It depends on how far out we are. It should work in port. You have my room number, call whenever you can, if you can."

I nodded. "I'll try. I promise I'l try." I kissed his lips again. And again. And again. "Thank you, for everything."

He kissed me again and squeezed my hand in his. "You know where I am if you need me. I've paid for 1201 for three more nights, just in case. Your name is on the reservation as well. Just ask for a key. It is _not_ for you _and_ him."

"Edward! I would never . . ."

"I know. I know you wouldn't. I shouldn't have said that."

I couldn't believe he had done that. I was grateful, though. I didn't suspect anything to happen between Jake and I, especially if I could help it, but Edward was consistently amazing me with his ability to anticipate my every need. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'll see you in a few days."

I nodded and had to step away from him, or I'd never leave. He took a few steps back so he wouldn't be in view when the door opened.

I knocked lightly a few times, and then more forcefully. I placed the newspaper under my arm.

The door swung open to a sleepy and confused Jake. I laughed, he looked like a 12 year old boy when he slept. "I couldn't sleep. I went to the lounge to read the paper and forgot my key!" I said as I walked through the door.

"I didn't even hear you leave," he said, still half asleep.

I crawled into bed. "I know, you were out. I'm so used to being on the boat and being rocked to sleep every night."

Jake laughed and crawled in next to me. He pulled my back to his chest and kissed my bare shoulder. "Good night, again."

I squeezed his hand in mine at my waist. "Night, Jake."

My last conscious thoughts were of Edward and his thoughtfulness and how undeserving I was of it all.

**Author's Note: I think I'll go for three tonight. However, that doesn't meant you should only review once for all three. ;)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	47. Cruise Ship Confidential 47

**Forty - Seven.**

I woke late the following morning to Jake nudging my arm and kissing my cheek. I cautiously opened one eye. I was freaking tired.

"I'm going to the gym. Get up and get moving so we can go do something when I get back."

I groaned and said okay and waited to hear the door close.

If Jake was anything, he was a creature of habit. I should've known he wouldn't have chosen a hotel without a fitness center.

I sat up and leaned over to see what time it was. It was about 10:30 a.m. I couldn't remember the last time I slept so late.

I quickly rolled out of bed and grabbed my cell phone.

_I have a few minutes, can you talk? - Bella_

Less than a minute later, my phone was ringing.

"Hi."

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Are you busy?"

"Nope, just grabbing a quick breakfast in the hall."

"It's almost lunch time, Edward."

He laughed, and it made me smile so big. "I know, but this cute girl kept me up all night and I was late getting back to the ship."

I giggled.

"How did it go last night, everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, it was fine, just like you said it would be. I don't even know if he remembers. He's a pretty heavy sleeper."

"Where is he now?"

"At the gym."

"I should've known," he teased. "It must take a lot of work to look like that."

I rolled my eyes. Jake always seemed so normal to me. He was always tall and muscular, that's just who he was. "He looks much more intimidating than he is. He's really just a puppy dog trapped in a tree trunk."

Edward laughed loudly. I felt guilty for a spilt second for talking about Jake like that, but it was true, he couldn't hurt a fly.

"You work today?"

"Yeah, from 1:00 to 10:00."

"Yuck."

"Yeah, deep cleaning and all that bullshit this afternoon and we have embarkation."

I sighed. "What time do you leave port?"

"Four o'clock."

"Okay, this is probably the last time I'll get to talk to you today."

He sighed. "Alright."

"I miss you already."

"I miss you, too."

"But, I really need to take the next few days to try to sort things out in my head, okay?" I desperately needed to work out my feelings and emotions.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know. Don't be upset if I don't call?"

He was quiet for a moment. He let out a frustrated sigh and I could picture him pulling at his hair. "Okay, whatever. Do what you have to do."

"Don't be like that, Edward."

"Be like what?" he practically yelled. "Like I don't fucking care that you're with him? Like I don't care that he gets to sleep next to you every night and touch you and . . . and whatever the fuck else he gets to do to you?"

I felt tears sting my eyes and my cheeks flame. I hated the position I was in, but Edward didn't understand. It just wasn't as easy and simple as he wanted it to be, and I wished desperately that it was. "I'm sorry," was all I could say. I couldn't make him any promises right now.

Edward didn't say anything else.

"I guess I'll talk to you later?" I asked hesitantly.

He hung up without another word.

**Author's Note: Go ahead and hate her; I'm ready. =P**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	48. Cruise Ship Confidential 48

**Forty - Eight.**

**Edward.**

I hung up the phone for fear I'd say something I shouldn't. I swallowed what was left of my orange juice, picked up my tray and discarded it loudly in the appropriate place.

I was so fucking frustrated with her that I couldn't see straight and I didn't know if I was even allowed to feel that way. I understood her position. I understood where she was coming from. He had been in her life for years and years and years and I'd only been here a little more than a month, but it felt like longer.

I couldn't fucking explain what she did to me and it scared me. The "L" word was frequently floating in the back of my mind, but that wasn't possible. I never jumped into things with women. I had never actually told a girl I loved her in my adult life. I think I had in high school, but that doesn't count.

I didn't know if I loved Bella or if I was just fucking infatuated with her and I currently didn't understand the difference.

By the time I made it back to my room and got cleaned up for work I was feeling especially guilty for ending our call the way I did. I didn't want to push her further towards him. The thought of him touching her made my skin crawl.

I sent her a text message because I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't call her.

_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. - Edward. _

There was no immediate response. I went on to work, but still had my phone in my pocket. It was on ring and vibrate so I wouldn't miss it if she called or sent a text.

When the ship began to sail away from the port I checked my phone again, but there was nothing. I knew it was probably the last time my cell would catch a decent signal and my chest felt tight with worry and the unknown.

**Author's Note: Sorry this one is a super shorty. More to tomorrow. Thanks for all the reviews for yesterday's chapters. 3 **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	49. Cruise Ship Confidential 49

**Forty - Nine.**

I was so frustrated and hurt by the way Edward ended our conversation, but I knew I deserved it.

What I did next placed me in the crazy category.

I went downstairs and asked for a key to 1201. I showed my ID and was given a key without a second thought.

I made my way to the 12th floor and to the room Edward and I spent our last night in. I was so relieved to see the Do Not Disturb sign on the door. They didn't change the sheets.

I was relieved to walk in and see things pretty much how we had left them. I went straight to the unmade bed and crawled in. It still smelled like him. God, I fucking missed him and he hadn't been gone 24 hours. I was sick. I was so fucking sick. How could I be doing this to Jake? Why did Edward have such a strong hold on me? I was so confused and frustrated.

Just as I had made up my mind to forget about Edward over the next few days, I noticed the folded piece of paper on the nightstand with my name on it.

I opened it hesitantly.

I had never seen his hand writing before. It was beautifully messy.

_Bella, _

_If you're reading this, then things must not be well between you and Jake and I don't know whether it's appropriate that I admit that would make me very happy. _

_I don't want you to hurt. I want you to be happy, I just hope that it's me that makes you happy. I know that none of this is easy for you and I'm not experienced with how to handle this type of thing which is why I usually don't get involved with women who are taken, but you were an exception. _

_Every fucking thing about you is exceptional; your mind, your eyes, your hair, your smile, and everything below that point. ;) _

_You make me do and feel things that I cannot explain and it's really fucking scary. _

_I know things aren't easy for you right now, but I just wanted to remind you how fascinated I am by you and how much I enjoy our time together. I cannot wait to see you again. _

_Yours,_

_Edward_

I folded the piece of paper up as small as I could make it and grabbed a tissue from the nightstand.

I was more confused than ever.

**Author's Note: **

**This is yesterday's chapter. I'll post today's later on tonight. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	50. Cruise Ship Confidential 50

**Fifty.**

After a hot and lonely shower, I decided that I owed it to myself, and to Jake, to try to push Edward from my mind over the next few days. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I had to try. I had to know if everything I felt for Edward was real, and in turn, I had to know the same about Jake.

Jake returned from the gym and showered and we set out on our next adventure. We explored a few different museums and a couple of art exhibits. It was all fascinating to me, but it was kind of boring for Jake.

"Are you okay?" I asked, after he had coughed for the hundredth time. "You sound awful."

"Yeah, I'm alright, just can't shake this cough."

I wondered if he was coming down with something.

After I checked the last museum off my list we headed to the French Quarter, had dinner and several drinks. The night life in the area was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in Seattle. The people watching alone was incredible. Jake and I definitely shared a few laughs at others' expense.

We were both exhausted by the time we returned to our room and my feet were absolutely killing me. I don't think I'd walked so much in my entire life.

Jake was still coughing and stuffy. He usually liked to shower before bed, but that night he just crawled right in.

I hobbled over to him on my sore feet and felt his forehead. "You feel a little warm."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm fine. Come to bed."

I spent a few minutes in the bathroom and it was the first opportunity I had to check my phone all day.

_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want to say something I'd regret. - Edward. _

It hurt to think about him; it physically hurt. _I understand. - Bella_

I didn't give it much more thought and returned to Jake. The room was dark with the exception of the TV.

I started to crawl into bed when he stopped me.

"Lay the opposite way."

"Why?" I asked completely confused.

"Because if your feet hurt as much as mine do, you need a foot massage."

I grinned. I loved Jake. I did. I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him. I quickly obliged and within moments I fell asleep to his strong hands massaging every ache and pain from my feet.

**Author's Note:**

**Thanks for the reviews. There will be more tomorrow. Soon, things will start to pick up, and decisions will be made.**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	51. Cruise Ship Confidential 51

**Fifty - One.**

Although I fell asleep quickly, it was short lived. Jake was up all night with a fever and a terrible cough.

I got him some fever reducer from my overnight bag and tried to give him a massage to see if he would feel better but I think it caused him to cough more.

"You shouldn't use gyms in weird places. You probably caught something in there," I teased the next morning.

He laughed, and coughed. "You're probably right. It did smell weird in there."

I got cleaned up for the day and ordered room service for us. We both ate quietly before Jake returned to bed. "I think I'm going to do some shopping and stop by the library today."

"Okay," he said, mostly into the pillow.

"Will you be okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I'm sick."

"Don't be sorry." I kissed his temple. "Get some rest so you feel better. I'll have my phone, let me know if you need anything."

He squeezed my hand in his. "I love you, Bella."

I smiled. "I love you, too, Jake."

Shopping was the last thing on my mind. I retreated to 1201 and collapsed on the still unmade bed. I was exhausted from being up all night. I could hardly hold my eyes open, but I knew I stood a better chance of catching Edward in the morning.

His room phone rang several times. A breathless Edward answered just before I hung up.

"Hey, it's me. Are you alright?"

He exhaled. "Yeah, hang on a sec okay? I was in the shower."

I smiled to myself as I imagined him wet and in a fluffy white towel. "Okay."

Edward returned to the phone a few minutes later. I was practically asleep with the phone to my head.

"Bella? Hello?"

"Hey, sorry. I was nodding off."

"It's late morning, why are you so tired?"

"I was up all night with Jake," I said without thinking.

There was absolute silence on the other end of the line.

"He was sick!" I yelled suddenly.

"You don't have to yell at me."

I laughed, "I didn't realize the way that sounded until it was out."

"So, he's really sick?" Edward asked.

"No, we stayed up humping all night and I'm exhausted," I teased.

"That's not funny, Bella."

I couldn't help but laugh. I secretly loved jealous Edward. "I'm sorry, he really is sick. He was coughing all night. I couldn't sleep. The entire bed moved when he coughed. So, he's resting and I came up to 1201 to take a nap."

"You're in my room?" he asked.

"Yup. It's not my first time. I saw your letter yesterday."

"You miss me?" he asked all innocent and hopeful.

"Of course, I do." I yawned. "I do miss you, but I really am super sleepy.

He sighed. "Okay, I've got to finish getting ready for work anyway. Call when you can."

"I will. Thank you for 1201."

"You're welcome."

We lingered for a moment before we hung up. I rolled over into the pillows and inhaled his scent before I started coughing.

**Author's Note: Thank you all for the reviews and happy Friday! It's beer time for me! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	52. Cruise Ship Confidential 52

**Fifty - Two. **

By the time the next day rolled around, Jake and I were miserable. I didn't have the fever that he had, but I had a terribly sore and scratchy throat. We had breakfast together and spent the rest of the day at an urgent care getting antibiotics. Jake also got a shot in his ass. I was lucky to avoid that one.

Jake rested in the afternoon while I packed his bags up for him and made arrangements to get myself back to port and Jake to the airport.

I woke him up when it was time to leave. He was already looking a little better, and his fever had gone down.

We took a cab to the port where Jake saw me off. He unloaded my suitcase and looked out towards the massive ship.

"That thing is huge!"

I laughed, "It doesn't seem so big once you're on it."

He observed it for a moment before turning his attention back to me. His hands ran up and down my bare arms as if I were cold. I wasn't.

"I'm sorry I was sick and ruined everything."

I shook my head. "You didn't ruin anything, Jake."

"I just feel like we didn't get to take advantage of our time together."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I had fun, and there's always next time."

He smiled and kissed my lips softy. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around him while he gave me a bear hug. I missed his hugs. "Thank you for coming. I'll miss you."

He sighed. "I'll miss you more. I fucking hate this, Bella. I really hate it. It's not the same without you."

I leaned back. "I know, I'm sorry. I need this, though. It's working."

He nodded his understanding. We kissed again before we parted ways. As soon as my back was to him, I allowed myself to think of Edward again.

**Author's Note:**

**I know, I'm behind. Crazy weekend. Thanks for the reviews 3!**

**Tiwtter: AllOrNothingKR**


	53. Cruise Ship Confidential 53

**Fifty - Three.**

**Edward.**

I was on the pool deck deep cleaning, as they called it, before the next set of guests arrived.

I admit, I was keeping my eye out for her. I could see the drop off area of the port from where I was. I had just stood up from replacing some supplies under the bar when I noticed him. I saw Jake first, he was hard to miss, and then I saw her.

They stood by the cab together, obviously saying their goodbyes. My stomach dropped when they hugged and kissed, multiple times. I was so frustrated with her and I didn't know what to do about it.

After they let go of each other, I went back to cleaning so I could get finished and find her once she was on board.

I received her text message just before I returned to my room.

_I'm back. Where are you? - Bella_

I didn't immediately respond. I let myself into my room to see her sitting on the edge of the bed. "I was hoping you'd be here."

She smiled and it automatically made me smile.

She stood to hug me, but turned her head when I tried to kiss her. "I missed you," she offered.

I tried to kiss her again, and again she dodged me.

"I'm sick," she finally said. "I've got strep. I've got to be on the antibiotics 24 hours before I'm no longer contagious."

I scoffed. "Who cares? Did he make you sick?"

She nodded. I could tell she wanted to kiss me. I could practically see her contemplating. "I don't want you to get sick."

"I'm a big boy. I can handle it. Now, kiss me."

She grinned and our lips met. I fucking missed her so much. I'd be damned if she went home with him when this was all said and done.

**Author's Note: There's one more coming tonight since this one and the last one were shorties. 3 **


	54. Cruise Ship Confidential 54

**Fifty - Four.**

Edward and I were inseparable the night I returned to the ship. We went to a crew dinner before settling into his room for the night. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I heard him start talking.

"Hi, Mum. Yes, everything is well. How's Dad? Good. Yes, she's well." He laughed, "No, she hasn't agreed to leave him yet. It's complicated, Mum, and we'd need more time to talk about it than I have right now. I know. I will. Tell Dad, I said hello. I love you, too. Bye."

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, my mouth slightly open. He talks to his mother about me? Is that normal? What does that mean? What would she think of me? She knows about Jake? She probably wants better for her son. I sighed, finished up my nightly routine and headed out of the bathroom.

Edward was propped up in bed flipping through the limited TV channels. He noticed me immediately.

"What is it?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"

I laughed a little as I crawled into the bed next to him. "I heard you," I said quietly.

"You heard me?"

I nodded. "Were you talking to your mother?"

"Yeah, so? I don't understand why you look so shocked."

I shrugged. "I guess I just wasn't expecting your mother to know about me."

He turned the light out and the TV off. He pulled my back to his front and we spooned. I felt his breath on my ear before he spoke quietly, "Why not? You're all I think about."

I couldn't help but smile. He pressed his lips gently to my shoulder.

"Does she think poorly of me?"

"Not at all. She trusts my judgement. She's thrilled to meet you."

I coughed and nearly joked. "She thinks she's going to meet me?" I asked in wonder. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did.

Edward immediately tensed and I felt him backing away from me. "Is that such a far-fetched idea, Bella?" he said angrily.

I rolled over immediately and reached for him. "No! I didn't mean it like that. I just wasn't expecting it."

Edward ran his hands roughly through is hair. He was so mad. It made me fucking hurt inside.

He screamed out in frustration, before lowering his voice. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing with you, sometimes," he said as he shook his head.

This time, I was the one who froze. "What do you mean?" I finally said.

"You have no intention of ever leaving him, do you?"

**Author's Note: Uh Oooo. More tomorrow. ;) **

**P.S. For those of you who read Repentance ( I know it's not for everybody), the first chapter of the sequel will be posted soon. 3. **

**Leave me some love via reviews. :)**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	55. Cruise Ship Confidential 55

**Fifty - Five. **

Edward was out of the bed before he even finished his question and I was scrambling after him. The thought of him leaving made me frantic. "That's not true, Edward!" I screamed at him. "Where are you going?" I asked as he began to put on a pair of jeans.

"I need some air."

I approached him and pushed him so he'd lose his balance while slipping one leg into his jeans. "No, you don't. You need to stay here and talk to me," I began to cry.

He dropped the jeans at his feet. "Why are you crying?"

"Because you're trying to leave. I didn't mean to hurt you. What I said didn't come out right."

He sighed in frustration before he looked up at me. "I can't keep doing this if you have no real intention of ever leaving him. I'm not here, with you, just for the Summer. The thought of never seeing you again in a few months makes me sick to my stomach, but if you're always going to go back to him, I can't. We have to stop."

I sobbed loudly and had turn away from him. It just wasn't that easy and I didn't know how to make him understand.

I was relieved to feel him come up behind me and wrap his arms around me. I turned around and buried my face against his chest. I inhaled his scent and it soothed me. "I just have so many questions, Edward, and I've never done this before. It's just not as simple as you make it out to be."

"It can be."

"How, Edward!" I yelled through my tears. "You live in another country! A country I've never been to. I don't even have a passport! Your entire life is there and my entire life is here! Tell me how that can be fucking simple!" I was so frustrated.

He didn't even flinch.

"Money can make things simple, Bella."

I scoffed. "I don't have money to waste, Edward!"

"I do," he barely whispered.

I shook my head at him. "I don't want your money."

"I don't fucking care! I want you! I don't care if it's here or there or somewhere in between."

It just wasn't that easy. It wasn't. He was in med school and had so much going for him in London. I could never ask him to leave that behind for me. Ever. The pitiful look on his face absolutely broke me inside.

His forehead fell to mine. "Please, Bella," he said quietly. "We can workout the details later. All I know, is that I have to be near you, and I think I'm in love with you."

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews 3 Interesting things to come. **

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	56. Cruise Ship Confidential 56

**Fifty - Six.**

My entire world stopped. He was in love with me? I could hardly breathe, much less respond to his statement. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, hard. I pushed him backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed and we tumbled down onto it. I straddled him and hovered over his bare chest. My hair fell like a curtain around my face. My hands roamed up his stomach, over his chest and onto his shoulders. He was perfect. "Edward . . ." I whispered, as I closed my eyes and tried to savor the moment.

I felt the pad of his thumb brushing away a tear from my cheek. I leaned down and kissed him again and again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"For what, Bella?"

"For not being able to just say that I only want you and that I can't just give in to this pull you have on me. I want to, so badly. I do, only want you, I just don't know how to get from point A to point B. I'm scared."

His hands found their way under my shirt and they made their way up and up until the shirt was being pulled over my head. I was bare before him, and cold. I laid down against his chest and kissed him as his warm hands ran up and down my bare back. "I know you're scared," he started. "There are definitely things we would have to work out and discuss, but their just details. Details that we have the next few months to work out."

I nodded my understanding.

"Honestly, Bella. Please, if I could promise you that you'd be taken care of, that I'd never abandon you, could you consider it? A life with me?"

"How can you be so sure, Edward? What if you change your mind about me? It's only been a couple months and we're on a cruise ship in the middle of the gulf. These are all perfect conditions. We've never lived a normal day together. I've never met your family. I've never met your friends. I've never been to your home. There's so much we don't even know about each other."

His arms tightened around me. "We'll learn. There's nothing about you I wouldn't love. I'm up for the challenge if you are."

I smiled against his chest. He was making it all too easy. Before, I'd never considered it. I thought for sure it would never work out, there is too much distance and too many unknowns between us, and most importantly, I was entirely unsure of how I would handle being back in the real world. He had never met the side of me that was lost and in a dark place far more than was usual. "Can we talk about it more tomorrow? When we're not mostly naked? And really talk about it. I have a lot of concerns."

Edward's grin was electric and contagious. "Of course."

**Author's Note: I'll go ahead and give you another one tonight since this one was short. Thank you for the reviews. 3 Also, if you leave a review with questions - don't leave it as a guest so I can respond to them. ;) **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	57. Cruise Ship Confidential 57

**Fifty - Seven. **

I think that was the first night we really made love to each other, it wasn't just sex anymore. Although I definitely couldn't verbalize it yet, I knew I loved Edward. There was just no other word for it, and it terrified me. I loved Jake, too, but in a completely different way.

Edward was so gentle and passionate that night. He slowly worshiped me from head to toe. I felt perfect when he was inside me. He whispered his love for me on more than one occasion and every time, it left me speechless. How could someone like him, love someone like me? Every time he said it, I squeezed him tighter, or pulled him impossibly closer.

He hovered above me as he continued at his agonizingly slow pace. His green eyes pierced mine and I knew what he was about to say.

"I love you."

I smiled. I would never get tired of hearing him say that. "I promise, I'll try; if we can just figure out the details. I don't want to live without you," I told him.

He smiled and kissed me again and again. He made me so happy. I tried not to think about how much he had the potential to completely change my life, and Jake's.

It was hard to think about how my decisions would affect Jake and about how many people would hate me for leaving him. Billy was the closest thing to a father I had, and I'd lose him, too. All the guys at Jake's shop were like brothers. They would all think so horribly of me. What would Charlie think?

I sighed in frustration and pushed Edward off of me and onto his back. I straddled him and was determined to show him that I loved him too, even though I couldn't say it, even though I was terrified to feel it. I loved everything about him, his perfect lips, his crooked smile, his green eyes, his hands, his heart. I let out a content sigh, I would be the luckiest girl in the world if I got to live in his presence for the rest of my life.

We came together before we let exhaustion take over. I fell asleep with my face snuggled in to the crook of Edward's neck, my lips pressed against his skin.

At the time, I didn't realize how that night would come to affect me over and over again for months to come.

**Author's Notes: So, she's a little more stable in her decision now. All that's left are some details, and a little bump in the road. **

**:)**


	58. Cruise Ship Confidential 58

**Fifty - Eight.**

**Edward. **

The first time I woke it was just before 6:00 a.m. and the first signs of the early morning sun were peaking through the slightly closed curtain that covered the port hole windows.

I looked at her. Her naked body was impossibly close to my own. She was snuggled against me, her head in the crook of my neck. She slept with a smile. It was the first time I'd noticed her smile when she slept. She looked so content and peaceful and it instantly made me relax. I wish I could make her feel that way all the time.

I turned my head just slightly and kissed her forehead. She signed contently, but didn't stir. I closed my eyes and told myself to remember how perfect that moment felt, that is how I should wake up every day for the rest of my life.

I heard her gasp and curse and immediately felt the warm space she occupied against me replaced with a bitter cold. My eyes shot open, searching for her, trying to get my bearings. She had sat up in bed, her naked back facing me, draped in messy chocolate waves. She turned and looked at me.

"I forgot to set an alarm! I have to be at work in five minutes!"

She scrambled out of bed, naked. She was so fucking perfect.

"Where are my panties?" She frantically circled the small room trying to collect her things.

I couldn't help but grin and laugh. I was sorry she was late, but she was incredibly fucking cute and sexy while she was frantic.

"Edward!" she yelled, "You're not helping!"

"I'm sorry! I can't help it. Just grab the terry cloth robe in the closet."

"Oh, that's a great idea." She made her way quickly to the closet, and the door. She covered herself in the thick robe. Her hand touched the door handle before she paused, turned, and ran back to the bed.

I grinned from ear to ear. She kissed me hard, but it was lovely. She was lovely. I thought for a moment that she was going to say it. Her eyes locked with mine for a moment too long.

"I love you," I finally said. "I fucking love everything about you."

Her blush was immediate, her smile breathtaking.

"Go back to sleep. I'll see you later," she kissed me quickly again.

I nodded and fell back on to the bed and watched her leave.

**Author's Note: Thank for the reviews. 3 It's just this one tonight - I've had too much to drink to edit another. More tomorrow. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	59. Cruise Ship Confidential 59

**Fifty - Nine. **

It was embarkation day, which meant new guests and lots of spa tours. The first part of my shift was spent cleaning and preparing. The first guests were just starting to trickle in when I saw Edward come through the glass doors of the spa. I immediately relaxed and felt myself blushing. I could feel Jessica's eyes on me.

Edward approached the side of the counter and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "Can you take a break?"

"Uh . . ." He left me speechless. He looked so good in a lose pair of khaki shorts, flip flops and a brown t-shirt. He smelled even better.

I glanced around the spa, we weren't too busy yet, but that would change pretty quickly. "Yeah, sure. Just a few minutes." I looked at Jessica who was already staring at us. "I'll be right back okay?"

She grinned and nodded.

Edward took my hand and led me outside onto one of the nearby decks. It was mostly void of guests and other employees. He leaned against the railing and opened his arms to me. I went to him immediately and wrapped my arms around him. I looked up at him and squinted to see him due to the blazing sun. "What's this for? Why are you here?" I asked.

He smiled and moved to pull something from his pocket. It was small and silky. My panties!

"I found these," he laughed.

"Edward Cullen!" I shoved them back his pocket and looked around to make sure nobody saw us. My face felt 14 different shades of red. His hearty laugh was contagious and I playfully nudged him in the side.

"I'm just kidding. I mean, I did find them, but they're mine now," he teased. "I came by because I have to go to work soon and I work all night. I wanted to see you."

I smiled and reached up and kissed his perfect lips. "Thank you." Inside, I was a little sad that I wouldn't see him all night.

We spent a few more minutes together before we both noticed the increase in guests flooding the ship.

"I better go."

He nodded and held me tighter to him. "I love you," he whispered against my hair. He laughed. "I've never told a woman that before, and it feels so fucking good. Not that you're just any woman . . ."

He stumbled and ran his hands through his hair. I laughed at him.

He grumbled in frustration. "I mean, it feels good to finally be able to say it, to you."

I smiled up at him. "I understand." I kissed him again briefly.

"Come see me tonight? Please?" he begged.

I nodded. "I'll be there."

I looked back at him longingly just before I entered the spa.

**Author's Note: Sorry for the sporadic updates. Mid-life crisis and all. Thank for the reviews. 3 This start to progress in the next few chapters.**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	60. Cruise Ship Confidential 60

**Sixty.**

It was nearly 10 days later before we really had time to ourselves. We worked opposite shifts and me hanging out at his bar until I couldn't keep my eyes open wasn't conducive to good conversation about the details I wanted to work out.

I was increasingly frustrated, and falling more and more in love with him by the day, but I still needed to know how it all would work. I mean, it wasn't like moving to another state, it was a different continent, half a world away.

I was always fast asleep in his bed before he crept in late at night or in the early morning after work. We would exchange a few pleasantries before I feel back to sleep, likely before the conversation was over.

Ten days later, we finally got our chance. I'm not sure if it was a random stroke of luck, or if Edward coerced someone, but we both had the same day off, while we were in one of the Mexican ports. On our days off, we were allowed to debark the ship and explore the ports like everyone else.

Edward and I were up early and I packed a small bag for us. He informed me it would be a beach day. I made sure we had towels, sun screen, water and snacks.

I was just slipping my cover up over my bikini when he returned to the room with a tray of various muffins, fruits and juices for breakfast.

I immediately felt my stomach turn. I wasn't feeling that great. I was afraid I was coming down with a stomach bug, or something worse. I shook my head at him. "Not now."

"You have to eat, Bella."

I sighed. "My stomach, it's just not right lately. I'll drink some juice and take a muffin for later, okay?"

He voiced his displeasure, but agreed and I felt better.

We spend the better part of the day lounging under an umbrella on the beach sipping margaritas. It was quite heavenly until our conversation started going a direction Edward didn't like.

We started discussing the details of what our life would be like together after our employment ended on the ship.

"I know I'd have to come to London. I mean, you're practically almost finished with med school."

"That would be the ideal situation. I've got a semester of school left and nearly a year of clinicals."

It dawned on me that I really knew nothing about him, about his life back home. "Where do you live? Do you live with family? Roommates? Alone?"

"Well, I mainly stay in the city. My parents have a large estate outside the city. It's always been my family home and I love it there, but it's not conducive to traveling back and forth for school. My family also owns a three bedroom flat in the city, which is where I stay the large majority of the time. Now, if my father has long back to back shifts at the hospital or something, he will stay there as well rather than traveling back home. We each have our own bedroom and we share the third as an office. If you're not comfortable there though, we can go anywhere. We can get our own place."

"What if I don't think we should live together?"

Edward glanced over at me quickly, his green eyes large and surprised. "Are you serious?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I hated the idea of depending on him for everything.

"I won't have you living in a city you don't know by yourself. Why wouldn't you want to live with me?" The way he said it sounded like he was truly hurt. "I mean, we might as well live together now."

I laughed, he was right. "I just hate the idea of having to depend on you for everything."

"Well, how do you think you'd afford to live on your own?"

"I plan on working."

Edward laughed. "I know you do, but its not the same there as it is here. At best, you'd be able to get about 300 square feet in a bad area."

"I'm not as helpless as you think, Edward."

He sat up and lifted his sunglasses. "Bella, I don't think your helpless. Not at all. That's not what I meant. I'd just really like for us to live together. There's enough space in the flat that if you want your own space you can have it."

"Okay." I didn't want to argue with him, and I truly did want to live with him. I just don't even know his family yet and it would be weird to be in their home and with his dad coming and going? It was just all so much to take in.

**Author's Note: I'll give you one more for tonight, but you have to review both. ;) Thanks for the reviews. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	61. Cruise Ship Confidential 61

**Sixty - One.**

Although we changed the subject, our conversation continued.

"I've barely got two months left," Edward said.

"I know. I don't want to think about it. Time is going by so fast."

"I hate the idea of leaving you here."

"I hate the idea of staying behind without you," I said seriously. I'd not even been on the ship one entire day without Edward.

"We need to look at your contract and see what the penalties are if you leave early. I'm sure it's not worth being without you for two months."

"I've already looked at it. If I give 30 days notice, the only penalty is that I'm not rehire-able."

Edward's face lit up and he grinned. "That's it? That's awesome! You can come with me then."

I smiled hesitantly. I didn't like the idea of not being able to get my job back. What if I needed it one day? "What if you go back to work the next Summer? I want to be able to get my job back."

"I don't have to go back. We can take cruises as guests, not employees."

I thought about it for a moment. I really hated the idea of being without him for two months. It just wouldn't be the same.

"Okay," I agreed, but still not one hundred percent sure. "Jake is supposed to be coming to visit next month."

"No," Edward said immediately. "Not unless you're ending it while he's here."

I was quiet for a few moments, thinking. I knew if I wanted to be with Edward, I had to end things with Jake, I just didn't want to do it in New Orleans.

"I don't think that's the best idea," I said honestly. I could see Edward's face turn red, and not from the sun, from anger.

I huffed. "Chill out, hear me out first! Jesus, you look like you're about to explode!"

Edward took a breath and laughed. "I just want it over." He ran his hands anxiously through his messy hair. "I don't want him to fucking touch you ever again. I am not fucking sitting on that god damn ship while you're in his fucking bed every night. You have no idea how much sleep I lost those three nights."

I giggled, but thought he was so cute. I loved when he was jealous. "I won't make you do that again, and it was only two nights, I spent one night with you."

"You were still in his bed half the night," he said sadly before changing the subject. "So, what's your plan?" he asked as he handed me my margarita.

I sipped it before responding. "I'll tell him I'm ending my contract early and his visit won't be necessary. I'll do it when I return home."

Edward shook his head. "That just delays the entire thing even longer. That means more nightly phone calls with him and blah blah blah. I get so sick of hearing that shit."

He was starting to upset me a bit. I wasn't in love with Jake any more, but I couldn't imagine never speaking to him again. "He will always be a part of my life Edward," I said honestly.

Edward's green eyes pierced mine, as if that thought had never occurred to him.

"He's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I'm not just going to never talk to him again, unless he won't ever talk to me, which is a possibility after I do what I'm going to do." I tried so hard to push the tears back, but it was hard. I loved Jake, but I was in love with Edward.

Edward calmed down and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together. "I get that, I do. It's just hard on me. I don't want you to change your mind."

I looked at him in disbelief. Yes, I went back and forth a lot. Yes, I struggled with this decision and the details and all the unknowns, but I couldn't live without Edward. I could survive without Jake. I squeezed his hand. "I wish you had more confidence in us."

"I wish I did, too." He squeezed my hand and looked away from me, out towards the turquoise ocean. "I will, when it's done."

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading & reviewing, some of your reviews are on the right track, but they may not stay on that track for very long. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	62. Cruise Ship Confidential 62

**Sixty - Two.**

We continued to talk about my break up with Jake. I convinced Edward to allow me to do what I really wanted. I wanted to tell Jake in person. We had spent the large majority of our lives together, I owed him that much. In addition to telling him in person, I wanted to tell him at home, in our home. I had a lot of personal things in that apartment and I didn't want to not be able to get them if Jake were to be furious with me. There were so many reminders of my dad there, including pictures. I couldn't part with those things. God forbid Jake be so angry that he would destroy anything or not let me back in to collect my things.

Edward seemed to be understand my position so far.

"Only under one condition," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm coming with you."

I furrowed my brow, unsure if I was understanding. "Coming with me? To break up with him?"

"I mean, I'll be there. In the same city, on the same block, down the hall, wherever. I'll be there. I'll help you. We'll get your belongings together and when its all said and done, I'll be there."

I hesitantly smiled, knowing I would need him. "That sounds great, as long as you don't interfere."

"I won't, unless you want me to, or unless he touches you."

I laughed and shook my head. "He wouldn't. He never has. He's a really great guy, Edward." I felt tears prick at my eyes and pushed them away. Jake was the perfect guy, for someone else.

After our margaritas and lunch at a nearby local restaurant, I wasn't feeling that well and Edward and I headed back to the ship a little earlier than we had planned.

"Where are you going?" he asked when I started to walk past his room.

"I was going to go to my room. I just want to lay down for a bit, okay?" I said as sweetly as I could.

He hesitated, but nodded and kissed my forehead. "Feel better, I'll check on you before dinner if I don't hear from you."

I smiled and thanked him before I returned to my room and closed the door.

I changed clothes quickly. A nap was the farthest thing from my mind.

**Author's Note: Hmph. This lil chapter was lil. Guess that means I'll have to give you another one tonight. They should be getting a little longer here soon. **

**Thank for the reviews. 3 *hugs***

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	63. Cruise Ship Confidential 63

**Sixty - Three.**

I slowly opened the door to my room and peaked my head outside to look up and down the long hallway. It was empty for the most part.

I looked at my watch. I had less than 40 minutes to get off the ship, get what I needed, and get back.

I hurried past Edward's room and to the elevator bank. I went down two floors to the debarkation level and was back on Mexican soil in no time. It was about a 1/2 mile walk to the convenience and souvenir shop we had been through on the way back to the ship.

I went to the back of the store and I found what I needed immediately. I grabbed a book to read and some candy before checking out and heading back on board.

I got stuck in a short line to get back on the ship. I was terrified I'd pass Edward somewhere, but I thankfully made it back to my room unnoticed.

My period was almost a week late and the thought of what I was about to do made me sick.

I went into the tiny bathroom and read the directions three times. I decided I should wait until morning to take it, that's what it suggested. It was the first time I ever had to do this, but I couldn't find any other explanation for the way I was feeling lately. I just needed to rule this out so I would stop driving myself crazy.

When I heard a loud knock on the door to the room I jumped and cursed when I knocked my knee on the porcelain sink. I stumbled out of the bathroom and closed the door before I opened the door to the room.

Edward was grinning. "Are you alright?"

I laughed and rubbed my knee. "Yeah, you just startled me. I was in the bathroom."

"How are you feeling? How was your nap?"

"Good, I feel a little better," I said, feeling my cheeks turn pink. The way he looked around me didn't go unnoticed. The bed was still perfectly made from when housekeeping had come in the morning. I tried to avoid his assumption. "Are you ready to go grab a drink and get dinner?"

"Yeah, sure. Let's go."

I smiled and left the room. I hated not being perfectly honest with him, but I didn't want him to know if it wasn't true. The last thing I wanted to do was freak him out. He'd probably think I did this on purpose or something and never speak to me again. That thought made me nauseous.

**Author's Notes: I know some of you suspected what is going on, but just sit tight. Reviews appreciated. 3**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	64. Cruise Ship Confidential 64

**Sixty - Four.**

We had a small dinner in the crew dining hall with Alice and Jasper. Nobody seemed to notice that I didn't eat much. I wasn't hungry when I was supposed to be, and I was starving at the most random times. If I even thought about what was going on inside my body, it made me faint. A baby was the last thing in the world I needed or wanted right now.

I could tell Edward sensed something was up with me, but he seemed to relax a bit when I agreed to spend the night in his room, as was our usual routine.

He showered before bed and I was dead to the world by the time he exited the bathroom. I was so tired lately.

I stirred a bit when he pushed some hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek. He climbed in bed next to me and read a book while I curled up next to him and settled back into a deep sleep.

I don't know how late Edward stayed up reading, but when I woke the next morning, he was snoring loudly. I could tell by the amount of light in the room that it had to be at least 8:00 a.m. A quick look at the clock on the nightstand confirmed it was nearly 8:30 a.m.

I wanted to cry I had to pee so bad. My bladder was full and aching to be released. I knew I was supposed to take the test in the morning, the first time I used the bathroom, but it was in my room and I was in Edward's room.

I painfully climbed out of his bed and he didn't move a muscle. I pulled a white terry cloth robe around myself and tried to sneak out of the room.

Just as I had opened the door I was confronted with a fist, in my face. I stepped back quickly and tried not to squeal. The girl dropped her fist that was obviously about to knock on Edward's door. I quickly stepped forward, urging her out of my way so I could close the door behind me. When I got a good look at her, I knew immediately who she must have been.

Tanya.

She was even more beautiful in person than the pictures Alice had shown me backstage one night. Her hair was a mix of auburn and strawberry blonde. Her lightly sun kissed skin was perfect, and her complexion flawless. Her eyes were ice blue and her smile bright and welcoming. Her body was to die for. Although she had the body of a stripper, she was dressed modestly.

"Oh, I was told this was Edward's room. I'm so sorry."

I shuffled past her and shrugged my shoulders. "No big deal," I offered. I didn't tell her it was his room. I waited until she left in the opposite direction before I went down the hall to my room.

I snuck in quietly. Alice was still in bed. I went straight into the bathroom. The test was still in the box on the sink where I left it, except now there was a bright yellow post-it note on it that said "_BELLA!?_"

I sighed. Alice was going to flip out and tell the world.

**Author's Note: Yikes! So sorry for the delay. It's just been a wild week and I've got family coming in town tomorrow (blah). More to come tomorrow! **


	65. Cruise Ship Confidential 65

**Sixty - Five.**

I pushed back my tears and nerves and quickly peed on the stick, and all over my hand. I cleaned myself up, and sat the test on the edge of the sink. I had to wait three long tortuous minutes. I left the bathroom.

"Alice! Alice!" I whisper-yelled, "Get up! Now!"

Alice moaned and groaned and threw the covers back before sitting up. "What? What the fuck, Bella? I've only had three hours of sleep!"

"I'm sorry, but we need to talk."

Alice rubbed her eyes and when she opened them, her memory seemed to come back to her. "Oh! Oh my God! You're pregnant! Is it a boy or a girl? Jake or Edward's? Oh my God this is so exciting!" she bounced up and down on her bed.

"Alice! No! Oh my God, I'm going to be sick." I had to turn around and collect myself and make the room stop spinning. When I was sure I wasn't going to barf, I turned back around. "You cannot tell a single fucking person! I don't know what it is. Edward doesn't know, and he doesn't need to know. This is my business, and it's personal and I can do what I want with my body, but I swear on my life if you open your mouth I will hurt you."

Alice covered her open mouth with her hand. "Wow, that was awesome, Bella. You're not as sweet as you look," she teased. Her face turned more serious, very serious actually. "I won't tell. Anyone. I promise."

Things were quiet between us for a moment and I wondered where her mind had traveled to. She looked almost sad and lost in a memory.

"I know a good doctor, in New Orleans," she hesitated, "that can take care of it."

I gasped. "You had an abortion? When?"

She pulled the covers up to her chest and laid back down, facing away from me. "I don't want to talk about it, Bella."

I felt horrible. I kissed her and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry, Alice. Thank you for keeping my secret." She squeezed my hand and I returned to the bathroom.

Just as I suspected. _Pregnant._

**Author's Note: Take a deep breath. Chill out. Trust me. Then, review. *hugs* I'll also post the next chapter now.**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	66. Cruise Ship Confidential 66

**Sixty - Six.**

I didn't even have time to think about being pregnant. I had to get back to Edward before he suspected something.

I stopped by the crew dining hall and got a tray full of some of Edward's favorites. Without thinking about it, I grabbed some orange juice for myself and some of every available food group. What do you even feed a baby? Why did I care? I couldn't keep it.

As I went through the large metal door, Tanya was coming in. I'm sure she knew I couldn't eat all this food by myself. I felt her eyes on me as I went back towards the crew rooms.

I nearly dropped the tray while trying to get the door opened.

I laughed when I walked inside and saw a sleepy and confused Edward sitting on the edge of the bed in only his boxers.

He rubbed his tired eyes. "Where have you been? Don't do that, Bella. Jesus."

I laughed, "I just went to get breakfast."

"I thought you left."

I sat the tray down and looked at him. "Where would I go, Edward?"

He looked down. "I don't know. Maybe you've got a third boyfriend I don't know about?"

I gasped. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to slap him right across his perfect fucking face, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop the tears from pouring over my cheeks. "How could you even say that to me?" I said before I turned to retreat to the bathroom.

I tried to get myself together. I knew Edward thought something was up with me, because I hadn't been acting like myself lately, but to think that I'd be seeing someone else on the ship? Really? That fucking hurt, but at the same time, I knew I deserved it.

"Come out of the bathroom, Bella. I'm sorry."

"Go away, Edward."

"I'm not going away."

I huffed and pushed open the door, hitting him with it in the process. I stalked past him and sat down at the vanity which was currently doubling as our breakfast table. I was starving. He sat next to me on a little stool. We were quiet for a few moments while we got what we wanted and prepared our breakfast. I had cereal, a muffin, coffee, milk and orange juice. Edward had a bagel, a muffin and a pop-tart.

"I did not mean that. I'm sorry," he finally said, with his head down. He truly looked sorry and I did believe him. He took a bite of his muffin and ran his free hand through his crazy hair. "I just panicked when I woke up and you weren't here. It felt like you had been gone forever. I didn't even think about breakfast. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry, Bella."

I shook my head and felt the tears pricking at my eyes. I was such a fucking baby. I couldn't stop crying. "I deserved it."

Edward scoffed. "No, you didn't."

I sniffed and hiccuped and hated myself for keeping things from him, but I didn't have the courage to tell him.

"Baby, stop crying. Seriously, what is going on with you lately?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Nothing."

He let out a frustrated breath. "Listen, I don't know what the hell is going on with you. I don't know if it's Jake, or me, or what. Are you changing your mind?"

"No!" I yelled at him. I wanted him, only him. Edward looked confused and lost. I felt horrible.

I scooted my food away and stood up and hugged his neck. "I want you, only you. I'm sorry I've been so emotional lately. I have to get ready for work."

Edward sighed and I could see the pain behind his eyes. "I love you, Bella." His lips pressed against mine, and they were cold and stiff, not the usual soft and warm. I had no idea what was going through his mind, but I doubted it was the same as what was going through mine.

**Author's Note: Hang in there. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. Thank you all for the reviews! **

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	67. Cruise Ship Confidential 67

**Author's Note: Some of you guys got a little worked up about the last chapter, so now you're getting this one. Hate her all you want. If every Bella were the same, we would be reading the same story over and over. People make mistakes and make bad decisions on a whim. That's what is wrong with this world, people get crucified for a moment of weakness. Fortunately, this is just fiction. ;) **

**Sixty - Seven.**

Over the next two weeks, I was a complete fucking mess. I had over reacted with Alice when I found out I was pregnant, I was just terrified that she would tell the world before I had the opportunity to even let Edward know, and at the time I wasn't sure what I wanted. The truth was, however, that Alice knew much more about what I was going through than I had initially given her credit for.

Edward and I's schedules were conflicting and we really only saw each other in bed at night and in the morning before I left for work. One of us was always half asleep. We were both tense. I knew he knew that something was up with me, but I couldn't find the right time to tell him and he was too scared to push me. Every time I thought it was a good time, one of us was running in the opposite direction to be somewhere. It wasn't a two minute conversation.

I had successfully told Jake about my plans to end the contract early and I told him not to come visit, that I'd see him when I returned. He was starting to suspect something was wrong. Our conversations were less and less frequent. I told him I had been sick and that I was just really busy and trying to make the most of the adventure I was on, but that we would need to talk to when I got home.

I was terrified of the life that was growing inside me. Terrified that I wouldn't be able to let it go, and terrified that I wouldn't have a choice. I was already attached to it, but It just didn't feel right. Something did not feel right. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was or how to fix it. I hadn't even been to the doctor yet. I felt like the most irresponsible not-yet-mother in the world, but I knew something was wrong, and it hadn't been right in a few days.

The night it started, I was in Edward's room, watching a movie. He was at work for a few more hours. I knew Alice was off work, but didn't know if she was in our room or not. I was scared to death and wanted someone to talk to.

Despite the pain, I got up and made my way to Alice and I's room. Fortunately she was there, on the phone with somebody. When she saw me, she told the person she'd call them back.

"Hey, Bella, what's wrong? How's our little booger?" she asked, referring to the baby. I instantly started crying. I couldn't stop. It's all I had done for the past two days.

"Oh no, what's wrong? Bella?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I'm cramping and bleeding."

She sighed and pulled me in to hug me. I cried on her shoulder for a long time. I was sad, about what I knew was going to happen. I was devastated for creating something with someone so amazing, only to not be strong or good enough to see it through. In the back of mind, I may have been somewhat relieved. Although I knew Edward would have moved heaven and earth to provide for us, it wasn't the right time.

"Are you sure, Bella? Maybe something can be done. Let's go see the medic."

"Yes, I'm sure. Something hasn't felt right for the past few days. I knew this was coming. I don't want to see the medic. I don't want everyone to know. I don't want anyone touching me."

Alice sighed and moved me over to the bed and helped me lay down. The cramps were manageable at the time.

Alice stayed by my side. As midnight got closer, I got more anxious. Edward would be off work in two hours and he would come looking for me. I didn't want him to find out this way.

"I don't want to tell him, Alice. He'll be so mad that I kept this from him, but the timing was never right," I cried. "I hate that he will find out this way."

"I don't know how to hide it, Bella. You know he'll come looking for you. I can hide you, but he'll go crazy all over this fucking ship if he cannot find you."

I cried and let the tears soak into the tissues that seemed to be permanently affixed to my cheeks. I didn't know what else to do.

Just prior to 1:00 a.m., I was bleeding so much that I practically couldn't even get off the toilet. Alice had raided the housekeeping closet and brought me a small mountain of sanitary pads.

"Bella, I'm freaking out. I'm getting Edward. You're bleeding through everything!" she screamed as I noticed the blood coming through my jeans. I was horrified, but in so much pain that I couldn't give a damn. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted it to stop.


	68. Cruise Ship Confidential 68

**Sixty - Eight. **

**Edward.**

I didn't think much of it when I saw Alice running towards my bar. She was always a little off in my opinion, I laughed to myself.

"Edward, it's Bella. You have to come, now. I'm worried about her." Alice was frantic.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Where is she?"

"She's in our room. Just come on, please. I'm not fucking kidding!"

I told my bar back to close the bar down. The decks were practically deserted anyway, they usually were the night before debarkation.

Alice could run fast. She was really freaking me out. I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing as we entered the girls' room.

They both looked at me expectantly. Bella looked horrible, pale and sweaty. Terrified. Sad.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Bella looked away from me and my heart sank. I saw her curl into her self, obviously in pain and that's when I noticed the blood.

"What the fuck?" I looked to Alice for answers. She didn't say anything. I went to Bella's side. "Bella?"

It was obvious she was in too much pain to talk. I pushed her sweaty hair away from her face. She was too warm. I knew what I needed to do, but I couldn't fucking wrap my head around what was happening. She was having a miscarriage. She never told me. That's what the hell was going on with her. Why didn't she tell me? It wasn't mine? It was Jake's?

I felt sick to my stomach, but she was in so much pain, I wanted to question her and tell her how fucking angry I was, but I knew I needed to help her.

I handed Alice my room key. "Look in the closet, there's a small black leather bag, bring it, will you?"

Alice took off immediately.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me, but we'll talk about it later. I mean, I get why, it's his kid, but what the fuck, when were going to tell me? After I moved you to fucking London?"

She turned her head quickly to look at me, confusion, pain and anger written all her face. "It's yours! Yours!" she cried and screamed and pushed me away. "I was NEVER with him after I met you. I couldn't even . . .I didn't want you to find out this way! I'm sorry," she cried and curled back into herself and held her stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick.

**Author's Note: Edward's POV continues in the next chapter, and it's a bit longer. Hang tight - till tomorrow. Thank you all for the reviews. **

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	69. Cruise Ship Confidential 69

**Sixty - Nine.**

**Edward. **

Bella left me speechless and with far too much to think about or comprehend. I tried to push it all out of my mind and focus on what I knew, medicine.

Alice returned with my bag. I took Bella's temperature and blood pressure. Both were too high. I tried to sit her up on the bed. She wouldn't budge, not because she couldn't, but because she didn't want to. She was mad at me.

"God damn it, Bella! You can be mad at me later! Let me help you! Infection is setting in, you need my help."

I could see that her body went limp and I sat her up. She still wouldn't look at me. I had Alice get her a glass of water. I handed her two antibiotics and a pain pill. "Take these." She didn't fight me, and swallowed the pills with ease. "We need to get you to the bathroom and get you out of these clothes."

She didn't argue, but she didn't say anything either. I picked her up and carried her into the small bathroom.

"Alice, will you take care of the bed?" She nodded and left us alone.

Bella was just sitting on the toilet with the lid closed. "Let's get you undressed and into the shower, okay? The warm water will ease the contractions and I need to examine you."

She looked at me like I had four heads.

"I'm the closest fucking thing to a doctor you have right now and you need a fucking doctor."

She sniffled and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and started to lift her shirt. I helped her pull it over her head and I unhooked her bra. She started to slip out of her jeans, but the sight of the blood left her swaying and crying and shaking her head, telling me to get out.

"Bella, don't be embarrassed. I've seen it all before. It doesn't scare me."

She relented. I could tell she was exhausted and weak. She let me get her jeans and underwear off. I sat her back down on the toilet, lid up. "Use the bathroom."

She looked at me like I was fucking crazy and it made me laugh. We saw each other naked all the time, but we hadn't gotten to the whole, using the bathroom in front of each other thing yet.

"Fine, I'll step out, but don't flush."

I stepped out and pushed the door up, but didn't close it all the way. I could hear her pee, I didn't know what the big deal was.

When she finished, I started the water in the shower, made sure it was warm and helped her step in. I cleaned up the bathroom a bit and had Alice get a garbage bag for the soiled sheets and clothes.

I put a latex glove on and opened the curtain of the shower a little bit. "Step out of the spray," I said, as she stepped forward, and eyed my gloved hand. I was a little surprised when her arms went around my neck and she practically put all her weight on me.

"I'm so tired, Edward. Can I please lay down?"

"You can in a few minutes, okay?"

She nodded.

"I just need to check your cervix. Spread your legs a little bit, it won't hurt." I knew everything there was to know about the human body. I knew how things were supposed to work during a miscarriage, I knew the science of it, but I hadn't physically encountered yet.

She hid her face in the crook of my neck and did as I requested. It only took a moment. I pulled the glove off and threw it away and got a towel for her. The bleeding had a slowed bit.

"Your cervix doesn't feel like it's open enough to pass everything. Do you have any idea how far along you were?"

"Maybe six weeks or so; I really don't know."

"Have you ever seen a doctor, had an ultrasound?"

She shook her head.

I sighed. "It will be a rough night. We'll dock in the morning in New Orleans and we'll get you to the hospital, okay? The on board medic is only good for a band-aid."

She nodded her head, but still couldn't look at me and I wasn't sure why.

**Author's Note: Thank you all for the reviews. :) More tomorrow. **

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	70. Cruise Ship Confidential 70

**Seventy.**

It was definitely a rough night. Edward was so fucking good to me that it made me hurt inside for how poorly I'd treated him by not telling him sooner. I sincerely didn't want him to find out the way that he did. We hardly spoke at all that night. He got me cleaned up and took me back to his room. I was up and down at least once an hour going back and forth to the bathroom, so was Edward. He insisted he look at it. He said I wasn't passing enough tissue and I wasn't clotting properly. I didn't care. I was just grateful to have some relief from the pain. I could feel my stomach contracting, but it didn't hurt as much as it did before.

Edward disappeared for about half an hour as soon as we docked at the port. It couldn't have been 5:00 a.m. I didn't know where he was, but when he returned, he got me dressed and told me we were leaving.

We were the first ones off the ship. There was a cab waiting for us and a wheel chair waiting at the hospital for me. I was exhausted and sat down willingly. The nurse asked if I wanted him to come to the exam room with me.

"Yes," I said as I reached for his hand. I didn't want him to leave me. Ever.

I was examined by a doctor and told I needed a D&C, sooner rather than later. They told me I could wait a little longer if I wanted to try to take medication to open the cervix and let it pass naturally but I wanted it over and Edward said the D&C is what I needed.

I had to stay in the hospital a few more hours after the general anesthesia wore off. I was released by lunch time with more antibiotics and orders to not have sex or use tampons for at least two weeks.

Edward and I had two days off work in port. I was so relieved when he checked us into a hotel, rather than going back onto the ship. He made sure I was comfortable in bed and had everything I would need.

"I'm going back to get some of our things, okay? Call me if you need me. I'll be back as soon as I can."

I nodded my thanks.

He kissed my forehead. "I love you. We'll talk about everything later, okay?"

My tears pooled in my eyes and I tried to hold them back but I couldn't. I was grateful that I was about to have a few minutes to myself.

Edward sighed and kissed my forehead. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I just a need a few minutes."

"Okay, I'll be back. Call me if you need anything, okay?" he made sure my phone was within reach on the bed before he disappeared.

**Author's Note: Sorry it took me a few days to get this one posted. It's just been a wild and crazy week. I'm posting the next chapter now and another tomorrow. Thank you all for the reviews. We're getting closer to the end of their time on board.**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	71. Cruise Ship Confidential 71

**Seventy - One.**

As soon as I heard the door close behind Edward, I allowed myself to fall apart, to really feel what all of this was.

It felt like my Dad dying all over again. That feeling of being so lost and confused, it swallowed me. A baby was the last thing in the world I needed or wanted, but now that it was gone, I just wanted it back. I berated myself over and over for everything I did wrong, and for ever considering early on the possibility of aborting the pregnancy.

I couldn't stop crying. It's all I could do. My face hurt. My eyes hurt. I was weak and tired and all along Edward was understanding and wonderful. I didn't deserve him. He deserved so much more than I was able to give him right now.

It upset me that he thought the baby was Jake's, but I quickly got over it. With the way I had been about the whole Jake thing, I guess I couldn't really blame him, but it still stung.

I tried not to wonder, but it was impossible.

Would it have been a boy or girl? Would it have had Edward's eyes? I sobbed louder. It would've been beautiful and now it's gone. The image of Edward proudly holding a baby girl flashed into my mind and it broke me.

The shrill ringing of my cell phone broke me from my thoughts. If Jake called one more time I was going to lose it. I couldn't deal with him right now, not like this.

Just as I had silenced the phone, Edward returned. He placed two overnight bags on the side of the bed.

He sat on the edge of the bed next to me and we just stared at each other. After a moment, he uttered my name, in that pleading - how could you do this - kind of way, and the waterworks started again. I reached for him and cried into his shoulder. It felt good to have his arms around me again.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do, or what you'd think and I could never find the right time."

He signed and pulled my hair away from my face. "You cannot keep something from me like that, especially if it were mine. I know we've both been really busy the past few weeks, but damn, Bella. Tell me. Yell at me. Make me wake up early so we have time to talk, just tell me."

I hung my head in shame. "It was. It was yours."

"You're certain?"

I huffed and had to look away from him. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to explain it all. "I haven't been intimate with Jake since before my dad died."

Edward's face scrunched up in confusion.

"I just wasn't mentally in the right state of mind after it happened. I didn't want to be around Jake, or anyone. Then I came here. When he was here, I couldn't." I shook my head. "It just felt wrong."

Edward pulled me to him and kissed my forehead. I could feel his body relax, relieved.

After a few minutes of silence and sniffles on my part, "I would've taken care of it. I would've given you and he or she the world, you know that don't you?" he whispered into my hair.

I felt the warm tears spill over. I nodded my head. I knew. I knew we would've had it all.

**Author's Note: More tomorrow! (Hit the review button). :)**


	72. Cruise Ship Confidential 72

**Seventy - Two.**

I felt a lot better the next morning. I was still bleeding a little bit, but wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I had been.

Edward ordered room service and I ate all of my food and most of his. I was starving. "I'm sorry," I said as I took the last half of his banana. "I can't even remember the last I ate."

Edward laughed, "Have all you want."

After getting a final sip of his coffee, he stood and went to the bathroom. I heard him shaving. He didn't normally shave on his days off and I loved his scruffy look.

"Are you leaving?" I asked anxiously from the desk in the main room.

Edward popped his head out of the bathroom. "What?" he asked, as if he didn't hear me.

"Are you leaving? Going somewhere?"

"Well, we are. We need to run an errand. Are you up to it?"

I looked at him, confused. I really just wanted to relax before I had to go back to work. The doctor said I should be off for at least three to four days, but that fell on deaf ears. "I'd rather stay in bed all day, but you can go, as long as you come back," I said seriously.

Edward smiled. "You have to be there. I cannot do it for you. It's important anyway. We're running out of time. We should've already done it," he said as he returned to the bathroom.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, still confused.

"You'll see."

Within the hour Edward was helping me out of the cab. We took a cab three blocks. Edward insisted. I protested at first, but I was already exhausted and glad I let him win.

I looked up at the building we were walking towards. "Fed Ex Office? I don't understand. Are you shipping me off somewhere?"

Edward laughed loudly and pulled me closer into this side. "No, baby, not yet."

Not yet.

As soon as we entered the building and headed towards the counter with the words PASSPORT PHOTOS overhead, I knew. I squealed with excitement. I had nearly forgotten I needed a passport. I only needed my driver's license and birth certificate to be on the ship and enter Mexico.

"I'm getting my passport?" I asked.

He grinned. "Yes, it's the first thing you need to get to London."

I smiled and kissed his cheek. "You think of everything."

"I'm not leaving this country without you," he said it seriously, like I was the most important thing in the world. I contently sighed when I felt his lips press to my forehead. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I couldn't yet. I loved him. I looked up into his eyes and hoped he understood.

I got my passport photo taken. It was awful. There were so many restrictions. Who takes a picture and doesn't smile? The guy had to do it three times before he finally felt like he got it right.

Edward and I sat at a nearby cafe and he waited patiently as I filled out the passport application.

It was odd to have to write down my parents' names and information. I hadn't written their names in a long time. They didn't have an address or a phone number. They had grave sites.

I quickly scribbled in the information as if they were still alive, hoping it wouldn't trip me up and make me upset.

Never married.

Traveling to England.

"Duration of Trip?" I asked Edward.

Without hesitation, "Forever."

He made my heart stop beating. I smiled. "Can I really put that?"

He shook his head, "No, they'll probably deny you. Put undetermined, or two weeks or something vague.

Two weeks.

Emergency Contact.

My heart stopped again. I immediately felt my face flush. I hated that fucking question. For years it was my dad. Always my dad. Then, when I applied for employment on the ship, it was Jake. Now, there is no one.

I noted the italicized words next to Emergency Contact. _A person not traveling with you in the event of an emergency. _

"What is it?" Edward asked.

I swallowed. Even if I wanted to put Edward, I didn't know his address or what our relationship was or his phone number, by memory. It's sad. It's pitiful. It was a reminder of how utterly alone I was in the world.

"Give it to me," he demanded when I couldn't speak. I slid the paper across the tiny glass table. He took the pen from my hand. He scribbled quickly and slid it back across.

_Esme Cullen. Family friend. _

"Who is Esme Cullen?" I asked quietly.

"My mother."

I didn't even know his mother's name. I made a mental note to collect a lot more information from Edward. "She doesn't even know me."

"She knows a lot about you and she will know you."

I was unsure, but relented. What else could I do? I thought momentarily about Billy, but decided against it. After I break up with Jake, neither of them will probably care if something happens to me.

I had filled everything out, except my address. I turned back to the first page. I had my physical address listed, but I didn't know what to put as the mailing address. If Jake got it before I did, there is a good chance it wouldn't survive. We can get mail on the ship, but it's not reliable.

Sometimes I think Edward can read my mind.

"I have a P. O. Box here," he filled in the information and looked over the application for me.

After a few minutes of making copies of my identification papers and getting everything together, we sealed the envelope and mailed it off at the local post office. Edward paid for expedited service. He said there was still a chance I wouldn't get it in time.

**Author's Note: Thanks to those of you who faithfully review! Some of you have asked about where the story will end. It will continue to follow their journey to London.**


	73. Cruise Ship Confidential 73

**Seventy - Three. **

**Edward**

I couldn't stay mad at her. I was mad at her for not telling me about the pregnancy, but we barely had any time together lately where we weren't sleeping, not that that was an excuse. I was relieved she hadn't been with Jake since she met me. I had no idea she hadn't been with him since well before then.

I only dwelled on our lost child for a short time. It's hard to miss something you didn't know existed, but it did make me think about the future, our future.

I was thrilled to have her passport out of the way. I just hoped it came before I had to leave, with or without her. Med school doesn't wait on anyone, even if she is gorgeous and wonderful and keeps my heart beating.

Although I knew Tanya was returning to the ship, and was already on board, I had successfully managed to not run into her, up until recently.

Bella and I were well into the swing of things again. I had an unusual mid-day shift, so I joined her for breakfast in the crew hall.

I didn't even know Tanya was behind me until I saw Bella's face go from smiling and happy to red and unsure.

I reached for her hand across the table. "Baby, what is it?" I noticed her eyes and followed their direction behind me. I almost fell out of my chair.

"Oh, Tanya! Welcome back. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing alright. How have you been?"

"Good. Great, actually," I smiled at Bella, but she didn't catch it.

"Is there room for one more?" she asked.

Bella stood quickly. "Sure, I was just leaving."

I wanted to grab her and push her back into her chair, but I didn't. I didn't want to make a scene. Tanya and I needed talk anyway. I let Bella go.

Tanya and I shared small talk for a few minutes before she asked what room I was in. I told her.

"Hm, that's strange. I went by there last week, but that girl was coming out and said it wasn't yours."

I tried to hide my smile.

"Tanya, that girl, she's my girlfriend." It felt weird saying that. I've never said it before, but she was at least my girlfriend, but she felt like a lot more than that.

Tanya choked on her coffee. She politely dabbed at her mouth with her cloth napkin. "You don't waste anytime," she teased, although I could tell she was irritated.

"I met her the first day back on the ship."

"And you'll leave her on the last day?" she asked pointedly.

I was getting uncomfortable. I thought Tanya was over this by now. It had been a year. I hated to say this, but she sort of asked for it. "I'll never leave her. Ever. She's the one."

Tanya scoffed. "I've heard that before."

She was wrong. I never said those words to her. Ever. "Look Tanya, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, and I'd like to remain friends, but Bella, she's important to me and that's not going to change." I could tell her eyes were getting glassy. She was going to cry. I wanted to run.

"We'll see," she said.

I knew she must have told everyone horrible things about me, which is probably where Bella got the impression that she was my next summer fling, but it wasn't like that. Tanya just couldn't deal with rejection.

I excused myself from the table. "I'll see you around."

I made my way to the spa.

"Hey, Jess. Where's Bella?"

"She's in with someone right now." She looked at her watch. "It'll be another 15 minutes or so."

"I'll wait," I said as I took a seat in the lobby. I sat so I could see the door to her room.

It felt like forever before it finally opened. As soon as she came out she saw me, but she looked horrified and continued to the back of the spa to the employee area, out of my sight.

A moment later, I knew why.

James came out of the room next, looking way too relaxed. He checked out with Jessica before passing me in the lobby. There were other guests inside then, so I followed him out onto the deck. He was grinning. I wanted to kill him.

I didn't even know what to say to him. She allowed this.

"Just chill the fuck out Edward. It's just a massage. You know as well as I do how good she is at it."

I nearly lunged at him, but remembered I was in work attire and guests were around. James walked away, but turned around before saying, "I wouldn't be stupid enough to try anything with her in the spa. It's too crowded and confined. Cut me some slack, Edward."

I looked around quickly before lunging at him and pushing him against the deck. "I swear to God if you touch her, I will kill you."

He pushed me back, laughed and walked away.

Once back in the spa, Jessica told me Bella was in with the next client. She advised me that Rose was off today and one of the other therapists called out, so it was just Bella and one other guy.

I would be late for my shift if I waited any longer. I left and headed up to the pool deck. Although it was against policy, I didn't hesitant to take a shot before I started my shift.

Some time later I noticed Bella at the other end of the bar. I didn't know how long she had been there. She had changed and was wearing a black tank top and little denim shorts. Little denim shorts. She had to have worn them on purpose.

I finally made my way down to her.

"Hey!" she said as she lifted up her sun glasses and rested them on her head, all smiles.

I gave her a warning glance. She was all smiles and I was all fucking mad and losing my shit all afternoon.

"Why do you do this shit to me?" I whispered as I leaned over the bar. I didn't want any guests to over hear us.

"What, Edward? I have a job. It's no different than you making money off . . ." she glanced back to the other end of the bar and waived her hand in their direction, "them!" I followed her eyes to the girls at the other end of the bar. They were half naked and a lot drunk.

"I'll be right back."

I served the monster sluts and returned to Bella.

"It's just him. Why him?" I asked.

"He's a paying customer just like everyone else. I didn't even speak to him. He can't hurt me in there Edward. All I'd have to do is scream. Everyone could hear me. I was the only female therapist there. He didn't want a guy."

I didn't want to argue with her. I knew she was safe in the spa. I just nodded.

"How's Tanya?"

"She's pissed off."

"Why?" she asked, as if she didn't know.

"Why? Because I told her you were my girlfriend and I wasn't leaving you behind when I returned to London."

"Oh. Okay," she said, satisfied and smiley. She put her sun glasses back down on her face, covering her eyes. "I'm going to change and lay out for bit. See you for dinner?"

I wanted to lock her in my room and tell her not to come out until I was next to her, but I couldn't. I nodded, "Yeah, okay." I watched her walk away. I couldn't wait until we were off the ship and back in London, where I didn't have any enemies, obstacles, or crazy ex-girlfriends. Just me and her. Her and me. And the rest of our lives.

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. No excuses. I just suck and so did this week. At least this one was a bit longer, right? Thanks for the reviews. More soon. :)**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	74. Cruise Ship Confidential 74

**Seventy - Four.**

Two Weeks.

Three Weeks.

Four weeks had passed. I dealt with the wrath that Tanya created for me. Everyone believed every word that came out of her mouth. Somehow, it was my fault that she and Edward didn't work out. She wasn't a fucking princess like everyone thought. She was just a great actress.

I may have purposefully tried to walk out of Edward's room half naked a dozen times, just hoping she'd be in the hall way. She only caught me once. It was so worth it.

Yes, she was a great actress, but otherwise completely stupid. That was evident when she started seeing James, despite the rumors she heard about him. Edward even told me that it was well known that one of Tanya's good friends was assaulted by James a couple of summers ago. Edward concluded that she was just trying to get his attention by being with James. It wasn't working. At first, he was concerned for her safety, but after he realized what she was up to, he figured she could get what she asked for. I was just glad she was staying away from Edward.

I waited anxiously as Edward opened the post office box. We had been checking it every time we were in port, hoping my passport had arrived. The key was stuck and he kept fidgeting with it.

"Hurry up! If you keep turning it that hard, it's going to break!"

Edward groaned and gave it another hard shake and the key turned and the little silver door popped open.

I could see him deflate. It wasn't there. He pulled out a letter from his parents and a post card from people named Em and Rose. I wondered who they were.

I tried not to cry, but I really wanted to. "What are we going to do?"

"We still have five more days. Don't cry."

I pouted. "I don't want you to leave me." He pulled me towards him and I was all curled into his chest, in a little Edward cocoon.

"It will come, and if doesn't, it will be okay."

"I've only been on a plane once, and it was when I flew from Seattle to New Orleans. I _really_ don't want to fly across the world without you."

"If, and I mean if, it doesn't come, I can try to come back on a weekend so I can make the trip with you."

I sighed into his chest. "I could never make you do that."

"But I would, for you."

I smiled and reached up and kissed his lips quickly. "Let's get our flight and hotel booked."

We left the internet cafe with everything we needed. In five days, we'd be on our way to Seattle, and I'd be coming clean with Jake. Although I was super nervous, I was glad it would be over soon. Edward could only stay in Seattle with me for three days before he had to make his way to London. I was so afraid my passport wouldn't arrive and I wouldn't be able to go with him. I think he was even more afraid than I was.

We went through the motions the last few days on the ship. It was bittersweet. In a weird way, I was going to miss it. It was where my life changed. It was where I met him. It was where I learned that life went on without my dad, despite my certainty that it never would. It's where I learned that there was a difference between friends and lovers. It's where I spent countless nights in the arms of a man who changed everything. Everything. I couldn't even grasp the magnitude of it yet.

"Do you have everything?" Edward asked.

I nodded as I looked back into his room, our bags just outside the door. A single tear slid slowly down my cheek and I looked to Edward.

"Don't, baby." He wiped it away. "This is only the beginning."

And that was it.

All of our goodbyes had been said to our friends the night before. There was even a small going away party for us in the crew all. I made sure somebody invited Tanya. She seethed the entire time.

I waited in the rental car while Edward ran into the post office. We were parked illegally, otherwise I would've been with him. My knee bounced anxiously up and down. Up and down. I bit my finger nails. I silently begged and prayed.

And then I saw him, running to the car, with empty hands. I felt like all the air in the world was gone.

He got in quickly and shut the door. He put his seat belt on. He put the car in drive. He didn't look at me.

"Edward!" I screamed.

When he turned to look at me, with that shit eating grin, I knew the answer. He pulled the small cardboard envelope from the back waist of his jeans and waived it in the air before tossing it to me.

"This is it?" I asked, excited.

"That's it. We're going home, baby!" He leaned over and kissed me and I smiled. And then we drove. I pondered. Home. We're going home. How could I be going home to a place I've never been before. He's going home. I'm going into unchartered territory. A foreign country.

I was startled when his hand took mine and squeezed firmly. I looked at him, but he was looking at the road. "Don't over think everything, Bella. Trust me."

I did. I trusted him. I squeezed his hand back and we were at the airport.

Edward's flight home to London had been booked for months. Before heading to our gate to board our flight to Seattle, Edward attempted to get a seat for me on his same flight to London.

Another disappointment.

"Well, can't I pay extra? I'll pay double," Edward pleaded with the airline clerk.

"That's not an option sir. We can put her on the stand-by list only. The flight is full."

Edward huffed and paced and ran his hands through his hair. I tried not to cry. All this planning and wishing and hoping and we were still going to be on separate flights to London.

"What if I can find another passenger at the gate that will switch to stand-by and allow her to take his or her place?"

"That would be acceptable, but you would have to do that just prior to departure."

Edward told the clerk that was fine and I was placed on stand-by for the same flight.

Edward and I were strangely quiet on the way to Seattle. We held hands. He squeezed mine every so often and I would squeeze back. The entire time I went over and over in my mind, how I would tell him, how I would tell Jake that it was over. He knew things had changed between us, but he had also naively chalked it up to me being busy on the ship. Little did I know at the time that he knew much more than I ever gave him credit for. He was just waiting to drop a bomb on me in person, just like I was waiting to do to him.

**Author's note: So...big things are about to happen. Fasten your seat-belts, and then review!**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	75. Cruise Ship Confidential 75

**Seventy - Five.**

We got in to Seattle late in the evening. I told Jake I wasn't arriving until the following evening.

Edward checked us into the nicest hotel within a mile radius of Jake and I's apartment. I knew he was wealthy, but sometimes I wondered just _how_ wealthy.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

I nodded and took a deep breath. "I'll be okay. I'm just ready for it to be over."

We ordered room service and ate before getting ready for bed. The bed was huge and comfy and it swallowed us both. I let out a content sigh when I felt Edward move up behind me, his arm was secured around my waist. He was holding me tighter that night. I interlaced my fingers with his and I squeezed. I looked back over my shoulder at his tormented face.

"What is it, Edward?"

"I'm scared, that you'll change your mind."

I leaned back and pressed my lips to his. "I won't. Never. Not ever. "

Edward relaxed a bit and we discussed the plan for tomorrow before giving in to sleep.

The following morning, after I was certain Jake would be at work, Edward and I headed out. Our first stop was to a home improvement store for boxes and packing tape. Next, we did a drive by at the shop, Jake and his car were there. We headed to the apartment.

We made our way up to the second floor and I slowly unlocked the door and peaked inside. All was clear. The apartment was clean. It was spotless. It made my heart hurt a little bit. I took a deep breath and we went inside. There were pictures of Jake and I everywhere. I never thought there were that many before, but they were all the same, nothing had changed.

I watched Edward as he took it all in, mainly the photos. Jake and I at a high school dance. Jake with his arms around me at the beach. Jake and I kissing in front of the door to this apartment, the day we moved in together. Jake and I in front of his shop, right after he changed the name to _Belle's Auto Body._ I needed to talk to Edward about that.

I couldn't read his expression. Shock? Sadness? "Edward?"

"I feel like the biggest fucking ass hole," he said as he put his head down and ran his hand through his messy hair.

"Why?" I asked. I was most definitely the ass hole in the room.

"Because he loves you, probably as much as I do, and I'm taking you away."

My heart started racing. I walked up to Edward and made him look at me. "No, you're not. I'm going willingly."

Edward wouldn't look at me and he exhaled a deep breath.

"What are you thinking?"

"I just feel bad, Bella."

I understood. I felt horrible, but I wanted a life with Edward.

"But I cannot live without you, even if it makes me a selfish bastard," he said as he finally looked at me.

I relaxed a bit and kissed his cheek. "We have to hurry, he always comes home for lunch."

Edward nodded and jumped into action, making boxes and packing them with everything I requested. Clothes, shoes, books, photo albums, all into boxes. I headed in to the linen closet and kitchen, Edward stopped me.

"You don't need any of this," he said, waiving his arm around.

"Why not? I'll need bath towels, and things to cook with. I like to cook, did you know that?"

Edward laughed and hugged me hard around the neck. My face smooshed into his slightly sweaty chest. "I love you, and no, I didn't know that, but you can buy whatever you want when we get there. It will cost less than shipping everything, besides, I have bath towels and basic kitchen things. I am somewhat self sufficient."

I pulled back and smiled at him. Sometimes I forgot that I was moving in with him. It was so strange to be packing up to move to a place you had never been or seen before. "I don't like to waste money, Edward." He didn't exactly know about my financial situation and we needed to talk about it, soon.

Edward scoffed. "Bella, you don't ever have to worry about money. What's mine is yours."

I walked away from him and busied myself with taping up boxes. I could feel his eyes on me, waiting. "Sometimes things happen that you don't expect, Edward. Things haven't always been easy for me. I don't throw around money. I hoard it, just in case," I said, trying to hide the emotion in my voice.

"Just in case of what, Bella?" he said, he was prodding.

"Don't make me say it, Edward."

"You're not alone, Bella. You won't ever be alone again."

I felt hot tears pooling. I tried to keep them in. I tried so hard. "You don't know that. Nobody does."

He came to me then, and much to my dismay, he held me to him as he spoke into my hair. "Bella, even if something ever happened to me, you'll have my family and my friends. They're going to love you, just as much as I do. They're the most amazing people in this world, and they will never leave you."

I hid my face in the crook of his neck and cried. How could he be so sure? They didn't even know me. I didn't know them. I couldn't depend on them.

After I had a good cry, I straightened myself up and and we started taking the boxes to the SUV Edward had rented.

We were on our way to the local Fed Ex, my entire life packed into eight medium size boxes. It was so fucking sad. Edward insisted on paying; I hated it.

"You need to get over your aversion to money, Bella. I have more than enough, okay? Stop worrying about everything," he whisper-yelled at me at the Fed Ex counter.

I stood there and pouted until everything was labeled and ready to go. "Are you sure it won't get there before us?" I asked.

"No, I'm not, but my mother has specific instructions on what to do with them."

"She does? What is she going to do with them?" I asked concerned.

Edward laughed. "She's going to rifle through them and try to figure out if she likes you or not before you even get there."

My face paled, I could feel it.

Edward pulled me to him. "Oh, baby. You're so gullible." An arm was around my neck, resting on my shoulder. A kiss to the temple. "She's going to keep them in the garage until we're there to get them, okay?"

"Okay," I said. I was so on edge, about everything. It was all becoming very real, very fast.

**Author's Note: Sooo there's still one chapter to go before we get to the Jake/Bella confrontation. It's short, so I'll either post it tonight or tomorrow w/ the next chapter, depending on the reviews. ;) which I thank you for. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	76. Cruise Ship Confidential 76

**Seventy - Six.**

**Edward.**

Walking into the apartment that Bella and Jake had shared for several years was more difficult than I thought it would be. This was the guy who took care of her before me, the guy who loved her before, and even when, I did. You could tell he had cleaned the apartment for her. No dude kept a place that clean all the time. It even smelled fresh.

And then there were the pictures. The way he looked at her. He loved her. I knew that before then, but seeing it there, made it very real. I was taking her away from him. I imagined her being taken away from me and it made me ache inside.

There was a picture of her and what I could only assume was her father on a book shelf. It was clear that she utterly adored him. Her eyes had never been so bright as they were in that photo, looking up at her father. He was proud of her.

After we shipped her things off, we had a quick lunch and returned to the hotel.

"I need to talk to you about something," she said out of no where.

"What is it?" I asked as we both sat on the foot of the bed.

"I don't know what to do about my finances. I have a fair bit of money wrapped up in the shop and some in the bank. My dad didn't leave me with nothing."

Of course he wouldn't. "So, you put your inheritance into Jake's shop?"

"It's not an inheritance. I inherited the house, that's another thing I need to talk to you about. The money was life insurance benefits."

Edward grabbed a pen and stationary from the near by desk. "How much are we talking about here?"

"I have partial ownership in the shop, but Jake does everything, it's just partially in my name. I gave him $50,000 to put into the shop and I have about $75,000 in a savings account. The contract was written so I get half the profits, but we never even looked at it like that. We shared everything."

I was amazed by her generosity. For someone who was so afraid of being left all alone in the world, she gave a lot to the few she loved. "We can get the $75,000 transfered to an over seas account. What do you want to do about the shop?"

"Let him keep it. Give him my half," she sighed and held her head in her hands. "He named it after me."

"That's generous of you, but don't let guilt drive your decision."

She huffed, obviously confused. "And the house?" she asked.

"Do you want to sell it?"

"I don't think anyone would buy it. Everyone knows what happened there. Some of the stains are still in the cracks on the hardwood floors."

My stomach turned a little. "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

She nodded, stood up, and messed with her hair in the mirror. "I think it's time I go."

"I'll take you. I'll wait outside."

"What if it takes forever?"

"I'll wait forever."

She buried her face in my chest and I held her tightly. "Let's get it over with, okay?"

She nodded, and we were gone.

**Author's Note: Okay, so you guys did really well with the reviews the other day, unfortunately this tornado/hurricane like thing came through and knocked out my internet. =/ So I didn't get to update when I wanted to, but now you have it. B/J face to face in the next chapter - coming now.**

**P.S. Did you guys see the BD2 clip on the VMAs? Oh. My. Gah. I can't wait!**

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	77. Cruise Ship Confidential 77

**Seventy - Seven.**

I sent the text message to Jake just as we arrived back to the apartment and parked the car.

_I took an earlier flight and got a cab. I'm home. I'll see you when you get here. - Bella._

I turned to Edward and leaned over to put my arms around his neck. He kissed me, told me he loved me, and that he'd be right there when I was done.

Jake's response was immediate. _I'm on my way!_

I hurried inside and waited. I looked around the small apartment and wondered if he would know right away. The only obvious thing was the framed picture of my dad and I was gone, along with some books from the book shelf. Everything else was the same. He wouldn't notice my empty closet or dresser drawers immediately.

I heard the key in the lock a few moments later and I stood.

"Hey," he said, slightly out of breath as he came through the door.

"Hi," I whispered as he came and embraced me. It felt different.

He came in and went to the kitchen to wash his hands. Something was wrong. Something was off. He almost seemed angry.

He stood in the kitchen, watching me through the cut out in the wall. He turned the water off and dried his hands. "When were you going to tell me?"

"What?" I asked in disbelief.

He came into the living room. "I mean, I'm not mad. I was, but I'm over it now. I knew you had to do what you had to do and you got to go on your little adventure and live and do whatever and whoever, but you're here now, right? You're back? It's over?"

I had a million things running through my mind. How did he know and yet not know? "Jake, I'm confused."

He went to the kitchen table and picked up a white envelope that had previously been opened. He practically through it at me and said, "Don't lie to me, Bella. That was never mine. I'm not stupid."

I took the envelope and immediately noticed my health insurance's name on the front. I pulled out the paper. It was my explanation of benefits from the hospital visit and D&C. He knew it wasn't his baby. Oh, God. I completely forgot it would come here. Jake was taking care of my bills while I was gone.

"I paid for it," he scoffed. "I paid for you to have some other guy's baby scraped out," he shook his head in disgust.

I began to shake and cry. I let the envelope drop to the floor. I was angry at myself for not realizing the bill would come here. I was angry for doing this to him, this way. I was angry at him for acting like losing a child was no big deal. "It was my baby, too!" I yelled at him, "Not just some guys! I loved it. I never knew I wanted it, but I loved it and I lost it, just like everything else in my life!" I screamed.

He didn't speak for a few minutes. I couldn't see him through my tears. I missed the life that briefly took up residence inside me, the life that Edward and I had created from love. I ached when I thought about the pain Jake must have felt when he got that in the mail and realized what it was and what it wasn't.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I'm sorry, Jake."

I didn't expect his arms to come around me so quickly, but I latched on to him, and I cried, because I knew it was for the last time.

"It's okay, Bella. I'm sorry. I'm sure it must have been important to you. I was so mad and angry and part of me still is, but we'll get through it."

My heart sank. He was so forgiving. I shook my head, "No, Jake."

"No what?" he asked, still holding me.

I pulled back and looked him directly in the eyes. "I'm so sorry. I'm leaving Jake. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

He stared at me with an open mouth and a shocked face as he backed away.

"I don't know what you thought, getting that in the mail, but I wasn't whoring around on that ship. I met someone, someone wonderful and something happened between us that I can't quite explain. You deserve better than me."

He still didn't speak. He sat down on the couch, elbows on knees, head in hands. Speechless.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you in person, not over the phone."

"I knew this would happen if you left," he said quietly. "I knew it."

"I didn't. I didn't know it, but I can't explain it either. I've never felt like this before. He made me question everything."

He was quiet and I didn't know what else to say.

"I'm so mad at you, Bella," a fist slammed down on to the coffee table.

"You have every right to be. I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner," I cried.

"You're only sorry that you should've told me sooner? Not about what you did?" he seethed.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I do care about you. However, I'm not sorry for meeting him. I feel alive again when I'm with him, like everything that has ever happened to me in this life, led me straight to him."

Jake couldn't look at me.

"I've already gotten my things. You can have my half of the shop."

Jake took a deep breath and exhaled as he looked around the apartment for the first time and noticed some of my things were gone.

"Where are you staying?" he asked.

"In a hotel for now. I'm leaving for London the day after tomorrow."

His head shot up. "London? London, England?"

I nodded. "He's from London."

"You're moving to another country?"

I nodded.

He shook his head. "I don't even fucking know you anymore."

I tried to hold it together. I placed my apartment key and my car key on the coffee table. "I'm sorry, Jake. I want to stay friends. Call me when you're ready." I moved to go to the door. I heard him following. I was shocked by what came next.

"Is he good to you? _Really_ good to you, Bella? If I'll ever find any peace, I have to know."

I smiled and turned to look at him. "He's more than really good to me. He'll take care of me, okay? Don't worry."

Jake nodded and looked down and all around me, but not directly at me. "I'm so mad at you, but I'll never hate you. We've been through too much. We're family."

I moved toward him and flung my arms around his neck. He was my best friend, always had been. We embraced a little too long before I finally pulled back. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry it had to be this way."

"I want you to be happy, I do," he said, as if he were trying to convince himself.

"You and I loved each other Jake, but it wasn't the way it is supposed to be. It was brother/sister or best friend love. Real love, it's amazing and all consuming and magical. Find someone that makes you feel like that, that makes you feel like you found what you never knew you were searching for."

We hugged again briefly, and I closed the door behind me, eager to get back to Edward.

I took the steps two at a time. It was raining. I ran to the SUV and jumped in, soaking wet. I nearly jumped over the center console as I tried to get to Edward. My arms around his neck, my lips on his skin, near his ear. "I love you." Kiss. "I love you." Kiss. "I love you, Edward!"

He held me tight, but he said nothing, I couldn't even tell if he was breathing. I pulled back to look into his eyes.

"Say it again," he said.

I smiled and pressed my lips to his. I let them linger there a moment longer than usual. "I love you, Edward Cullen, and I cannot wait to start the rest of our lives together."

His grin was magnificent. It reached all the way to his eyes. My heart was full, and the load on my shoulders was lightened.

**Author's Note: Maybe not quite what you were expecting from Jake. No other women. I have to give kudos to LisaBebe11 because she nailed what was going to happen in this chapter. :) **

**After a little hiccup, we'll be on our way to London. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	78. Cruise Ship Confidential 78

**Seventy - Eight**

We made our way back to the hotel, our hands rested clasped together on the center console the entire time. There was one more full day before I was introduced to my new life. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I was terrified. What if his family and friends didn't like me? What if I didn't like London?

"Were here, baby," Edward said as he let go of my hand. I blinked and realized we were at the hotel, the car was parked and I wondered how long we had been sitting there. I looked over at Edward as he got out of the car. When he looked back at me, I could tell he noticed my mind was in a far away place.

As I laid in bed that night, I couldn't help but wonder what Jake was doing. I really hoped he would be okay and move on quickly. More than anything, I hoped we could still stay friends. He is the only thing I will have left of myself before Edward.

I heard the bathroom door open and saw the light from the bathroom for a moment until it was turned off. The room was dark. Quiet. Edward blindly found his way to the bed.

"Why is it so dark? Are you tired? No reading or TV tonight?" he asked as he pulled back the comforter on his side of the bed.

I grinned to myself. There would be no TV or reading before bed, just love. I couldn't wait to make love to him and tell him I loved him. I had been waiting so long.

As soon as he had laid down, I was next to him, my left hand snaked up his bare chest as my lips peppered kisses along his jaw. He smelled amazing and I could feel his grin. "I thought we'd do something else tonight," I whispered.

I felt Edward laugh, even though he tried to suppress it. "Something else sounds like it will be fun," he teased as his arms came around me and his hands gripped my ass. He helped me up a bit and I straddled him. His smile went on for miles and it made my insides turn into a puddle. I loved this man. I leaned down at the same time his hands made their way up my sides until my shirt was being lifted over my head and tossed aside.

My lips and hands left no part of him untouched. I could kiss him until the world ended and it wouldn't be long enough.

I pulled back so I could see his eyes. They sparkled even in the dark. He was smiling. I was smiling. "I love you, Edward Cullen."

His smile grew impossibly larger and his hand came around my neck, tangled in my hair, and pulled me down to him. He kissed me again and again.

"I love you, Bella. I promise I'll do everything I can to make this transition as easy as possible on you."

I didn't want to think about all of that, I just wanted to love him. I nodded my head as I momentarily slipped off of him and removed my panties as he did the same with his boxers. I deflated a little bit when he leaned over to the night stand and pulled a condom from his wallet.

"Hasn't it been long enough?" I asked softly as I climbed on top of him. It had been well over two weeks since I had been off the antibiotics that likely interfered with my birth control before.

"I don't know, Bella," he said unsure as he tore the foil wrapper.

"Yes, you do. You're practically a doctor, and I know. I googled it. We should be fine," I said as I took the little foil square from him and placed it back on the nightstand.

Edward huffed and reached for it again but I grabbed his arm.

"I don't want to see you go through that again!" he said loudly, causing me to freeze.

"Who says its going to happen again?" I yelled back at him, feeling my tears sting my eyes. It wouldn't happen again. It couldn't.

"We don't need a baby right now, Bella. Your body needs time to heal," his tone was softer.

I blinked and wiped away a stray tear. "I wasn't trying to get pregnant, Edward. Not then, and not now. I just don't want anything between us, not anymore."

His hands rubbed up and down my thighs and when I heard him sigh in defeat, I leaned down and kissed him. "Thank you." I felt him line himself up at my entrance before I slid down over him and he filled me and I felt whole again.

He groaned, "Oh, you feel so good."

I smiled. "You feel good, baby." I kissed his lips, both of our hands found each others and we held them firmly over our heads as our lips and tongues fought each other for control. Pull. Give. Take. Lick. Bite. Suck.

I felt my belly tense and the familiar wave rising as I rode and kissed Edward. When the sensations became too strong, I couldn't focus on our kiss. I hid my face in his neck. Our hands released each others and his found their way to my hips where he guided me faster and met each of my thrusts with his own. I held on to him for dear life and moaned and whimpered against him. I told him I loved him just before everything inside me felt like it had exploded into a huge display of fireworks, that slowly fizzled out.

I laid motionless on his chest, catching my breath. He was still hard inside me as one of his hands stroked my hair and the other my back. I was so content. I could've fallen asleep and slept like that all night, with a smile on my face. He kissed my forehead and I felt him slip out of me. "Go to sleep sweet girl," he whispered.

"No, Edward," I groaned. "Just give me a minute. I'm not letting you go to sleep with . . ." I waived my arm in the direction of his erection, "that."

He laughed and it made me laugh. I slowly rolled off of him, still feeling the numb tingles between my legs. He began to follow suit, moving to hover over me. "No," I said softly as I pushed him back onto his back and took his raging erection in my hand. I stroked him a few times with my hand before I tasted him with my tongue. His hand immediately fisted in my hair. I have no idea why, but we had never done this before. We normally just got straight to the point and we usually came together, but tonight was different. I tasted him again, covering him with my mouth.

"Fuck, Bella," he groaned. "You're so fucking hot when you do that. I'm going to come so hard."

I looked up at him from under my lashes as I went as far down his shaft as I could, feeling him hit the back of my throat, before coming back up. The sounds he made were out of this world and I made a mental note to do this more often. In just a few more quick strokes he was cursing and pulling my hair and coming so hard down the back of my throat, I struggled to swallow it all. When I was finished, he was useless and tired and sexy as hell. I slipped out of bed and brushed my teeth before I returned to Edward who was but naked, sprawled out in the center of the bed and snoring softly. It made me giggle. I covered him with the sheet and comforter and slipped in next to him. He stirred momentarily as I snuggled into his side and rested my head on his chest. "I love you, Edward."

His arms came around me and squeezed. "I'm going to marry you one day."

I giggled and kissed his chest. "I'd like that."

We were quiet for a moment before the damn dark cloud that was following me around lately made its presence known again.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, love?"

"I need to go see my parents tomorrow, before we leave."

I felt him tense for a moment before relaxing. "Of course, Bella." He kissed the top of my head. "I love you. Get some sleep. We'll get up early and head out that way, okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes tighter so it would go away. My chest felt tight. I felt heavy. It was all coming back, the way I used to feel. I held on to Edward tighter, so it wouldn't take me away.

**Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews! Glad to see most of you were pleased with the outcome. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	79. Cruise Ship Confidential 79

**Seventy - Nine.**

**Edward.**

When I woke up the next morning, I wasn't sure what time it was at first. The light that filtered in through the windows was muted and overcast. It was either really early or another dreary day. A quick look at the clock on the nightstand told me it was just after 7:00 a.m. I reached for her, and she wasn't there. The bed was empty, her spot was cold. I froze, until I heard it. Sobs and hiccups coming from behind the closed bathroom door.

I jumped out of bed, quickly realizing I was naked. I made quick work of finding my boxers and slipped them on. I didn't even knock on the door. I just opened it. The light was off. I turned it on. She was sitting on the floor in the corner between the sink and shower. She was sitting on a folded white towel. Before she hid her face by looking away from me, I noticed the tears and blotchiness. She hiccuped again through her cries. "Go away, Edward. Please."

My heart broke into a million pieces. I had no idea what this was. "I can't."

"I don't want you to see me like this," she cried.

"I don't want to see you like this!" I yelled, not meaning to. "What the fuck is going on, Bella? What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Her sobs were louder, she shook her head quickly back and forth as she looked down. "Please! Leave!"

"I'm not. I won't. I can't." I moved towards her and caught her off guard. I sunk down on to the cold tile floor and wrapped my arms around her before she could protest or try to get up.

I held her as she fought against me and cried.

After a few moments, her pushes and pulls softened. She was giving up. Her resistance turned to desperation as she clawed her way into my lap and held on to me for dear life.

"You're scaring me," I said softly.

"I know," she mumbled. "I'm sorry. This is me," she said through tears and sniffles.

I had no idea what she meant. I practically spent the last six months with her and I had never seen anything like this.

She continued, "It's Sunday and I'll be going there and I don't know if I can handle it. It hurts, Edward. It hurts _so_ bad."

My heart fucking bled for her. "Oh, baby. I wish I could make it go away. I'm so sorry."

She pulled back and looked me in the eyes, hers were red, blood shot and glassy. They were also big, beautiful and brown, and so fucking desperate.

"Who's going to clean his grave off and put fresh flowers down on holidays and birthdays when I'm gone?" she cried.

I worried that she was saying she didn't want to go with me, she didn't want to leave. Had she changed her mind? "We'll figure something out. You cannot change your mind now."

She cried impossibly harder. Her face squished up, her lips trembled, her tears fell. "I wasn't. I'm not. I won't. I love you."

I breathed a sigh of relief when her lips pressed to mine and she said it again, "I love you."

The kiss was warm and salty, but perfect nonetheless. I held her for a long time, until I felt like she had calmed down enough. "If we're going to go, we need to get ready."

She nodded but made no attempt to move. She was like a child, small, fragile and scared. I finally peeled myself from her and she just stayed on the floor. I started the shower.

"Come on," I offered her my hand. "Let me help you in."

She looked up at me with those big sad brown eyes and gave me her hand. I helped her to her feet and pulled my shirt that she was wearing over her head. Her fingers danced at the waistband of my boxers.

"Come in with me?" she asked quietly.

I swallowed. "Yes." I tried desperately not to get a fucking hard on. That wasn't what this was about it and I knew it, but it was difficult to imagine her all wet, warm and soapy. She hooked her fingers in my boxers and pulled them down and we both stepped into the hot shower. She immediately put her back to me, and I was grateful.

We took turns under the spray. She washed my back, and I washed all of her. It was oddly intimate and erotic, but also endearing. Her eventual smile told me she would be okay and when she reached up to kiss me, with a head full of shampoo suds and told me she loved me, forever, I knew for certain, that I had met my wife.

**Author's Note: Hola! Sooo sorry for the delay in posting. I've had all kind of issues this week, the largest one being a wrist that doesn't work and is in a splint, which makes typing difficult. I'm going to post the next chapter now, and then it may be Wednesday before I get to update again. **

**The last chapter will be 87. I just finished writing it. The remaining ones are all a bit longer, and the last one is super long. There will also be at least one Epilogue, but possibly 2 or 3. **

**Thanks for the reviews. :) Keep em coming!**

**TwitteR: AllOrNothingKR**


	80. Cruise Ship Confidential 80

**Eighty.**

The ride to Forks was quiet. It was raining, but I had my sunglasses on. I cannot begin to describe the emotions. I knew it would be the last time I made the drive from Seattle to Forks in a very long time, maybe even forever. Nothing had changed. Everything was exactly as it was just over six months ago, except maybe a little greener and colder. Edward pulled off the interstate in Port Angeles. I knew we weren't out of gas yet, we filled up not too far back.

"What are you doing?" I asked sharply.

"I was just going to stop at this sporting goods store and get a jacket. It's cold and rainy. I didn't bring anything."

"Oh, right. Okay." I pulled my jacket closer around me. It had been a long time since I'd warn it. "I'll wait here," I said as he pulled into the store parking lot.

He didn't say anything. He locked the doors after he got out.

He wore the jacket out of the store and we continued on our way. I continued to watch it all go by out the window. I tried to take snapshots of it all in my mind - the greenery, the impossibly tall trees and their hunter green needles, the puddles on the side of the road, the little signs to nowhere, and one to Forks.

The closer and closer we got, the tighter my chest became. I was near full on panic attack by the time we passed the Welcome to Forks sign. I could hear Edward saying my name, but I just couldn't make sense of it. I expected to see Dad's cruiser drive by, or to see him sipping coffee outside the diner, but he wasn't there, nobody was there.

"Bella!" Edward screamed and I felt him nudge my arm, a little too forcefully for my liking.

"What!" I screamed back at him as I realized for the first time that I had been crying. He kept hitting my arm, and I finally looked down. He was trying to give me my inhaler. I took it from him quickly and put it too my lips as I inhaled a deep breath, and felt the pathway to my lungs open a little wider.

I wanted to apologize for yelling at him, but I didn't. I wanted to thank him, for the inhaler, but I didn't. I wanted to feel his hand in mind, but I didn't touch it. We were just about to cross the bridge over the river that would take us to the cemetery. There was a new sign just before we got there.

"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop!"

He pulled over onto the shoulder of the road and stopped the vehicle quickly. He passed it. I got out of the car.

"Bella! Where are you going? Bella!"

I kept walking. I heard his car door open and then close, and then foot steps matching my own on the gravel shoulder. I ran in the pouring ran back to the sign.

_Swan Memorial Bridge_

_In Loving Memory of Chief Charles Swan_

I reached up and ran my fingers over it as I cried. I was so glad he'd always be remembered, but also hurt. I should've been there when they did it. I should've been there to celebrate and remember his life after it happened, instead of running away from it all.

"Bella," he said pleadingly.

I looked at Edward for the first time since I'd gotten out of the car. Rain drops dripped off his nose. "It's really nice, but we should go. You're going to get sick."

I wanted to get sick. I wanted to die. I wanted to be where he was. I just wanted to be able to talk to him one more time, cook him one more meal, listen to him slurp his beer, turn the TV off long after he fell asleep on the couch, hug him, smell him, anything. Anything.

Edward was still urging me back to the car. I snapped. "I need a fucking minute! Okay? Just go!" I pushed him back towards the car.

Edward looked hurt, but he went.

I heard a little voice in the back of my mind. _Don't push away the only thing left that's good in your life._

My dad used to always tell me not to push away the good things. You can never have too many good things in your life. I only had one, maybe two.

"Edward, wait!" He continued to the car, I wasn't sure even he could even hear me over the rain and the passing cars.

I glanced back up at the new flashy green road sign. I felt the rain tamper off to nothing, and saw a ray of sunlight peak out from a little hole in the clouds, and I ran, as fast as I could. I ran to Edward.


	81. Cruise Ship Confidential 81

**Eighty - One.**

I climbed into the car, out of breath and soaking wet. "I'm sorry," I cried, far too loudly for the silent car. "I'm sorry."

Edward started the car. I dared to look at him. He had the look I expected. _She's crazy._

"It's okay," he said, but I wondered if it would ever truly be okay.

I was silent as we drove the next few miles to the cemetery, so was he. I'd point which direction to go, and he went.

"Here, you can stop here," I directed as he turned down the correct gravel road. We were as close as a vehicle could be to their graves. I climbed out and made my way across the lawn a bit until I was in front of them. Charlie and Renee were buried side by side. Renee was obviously first. Her stone had aged significantly, but before Charlie died, it was well kept. I did my due diligence to attempt to clean her stone off before I sat directly in front of Charlie's. I traced the his name with my fingers. I felt a chill in the air, but I was certain there was no wind.

"Daddy, I'm going away," I said as my fingers continued to trace his name. "Real far away. I won't be able to visit anymore. I'm sorry about Jake and I not working out, but I hope you can see how happy Edward makes me. Will you watch after Jake for me? I worry about him sometimes."

I was quiet for several minutes as impossibly hot tears streamed down over my cheeks. I heard footsteps coming closer. I didn't have to look to know it was Edward. For some crazy reason, I felt oddly at peace there on my dad's grave. I think he gave me that peace. I think he was telling me I could go.

I continued to cry, "Edward?" I asked, but didn't turn around.

"Yeah, baby? I'm here," he said quietly, but he didn't move.

"Thank you."

He was quiet for a moment. "For what, Bella?"

"For saving me from myself."

When he didn't say anything, I continued. "Before I met you, I so badly wanted to be like him. It was all I could think about. It consumed me, day and night. I wanted to be just like him, in a hole in the ground, just like him. Right here," I said as I patted the empty space next to Charlie's grave.

I heard his sharp intake of breath.

"But I don't want that anymore. I don't. Before, there was not enough keeping me in this world, but now, there's you," I said as I turned around to look at him. I wasn't sure if it was the sprinkle of rain, or if there were tears in his eyes.

"Bella . . ." he barely whispered.

I stopped him. "You don't have to say anything. I tried once, just a few days after he was murdered. I had just gotten out of the hospital. Jake didn't even know." I scoffed. "Maybe he did, but he didn't say so. He just assumed me vomiting all day was normal I guess." I laughed, "What a stupid fucking doctor to send me home with those pills. I took all of them and drank a lot, but I just made myself sick." I cried, remembering how horrible of a place I was in back then. "I just wanted to be closer to him. I couldn't fathom never seeing him again."

I felt Edward's hand on my shoulder.

I grabbed his hand with both of my own. "Dad, this is Edward."

I felt peaceful again. I couldn't get enough of that peaceful feeling. It was eerily quiet. The trees weren't moving. The grass was still. A tiny sliver of sun was just beginning to shine.

I felt Edward pulling on my shoulder. "Bella, baby, look!" he said, as he nudged me back towards him. I turned and looked in the direction he pointed. There was a rainbow to our right. A perfect rainbow.

He helped me to my feet and we stood, hand in hand on my father's grave and took in the beautiful sight before us.

"He likes you," I whispered.

Edward kissed my head, squeezed my hand, and I felt him smile.

I turned to face him, kissed his lips quickly and said, "I love you, Edward. Let's go home. I'm ready to go home, now."

We walked hand in hand through the cemetery back to the car. The rainbow followed us until we left the Forks city limit and I couldn't see it anymore.

I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay, as long as I had Edward.

**Author's Note: We're on our way to London in the next chapter! **


	82. Cruise Ship Confidential - 82

**Eighty - Two.**

Edward paid some kid a ridiculous amount of money to go on stand by and allow me to take his place on the flight to London. I was a nervous wreck. An older gentleman agreed to switch seats with me so I could sit next to Edward.

It felt so crazy to be on my way to a new life, a new world, a new everything. I didn't even know where I'd be sleeping that night, and that was strange. I quizzed Edward a lot.

"Your parents' names?"

"Esme and Carlisle."

"Dr. Cullen?"

Edward laughed, "No, just Carlisle. Or Dad, he'll probably tell you to call him, Dad," he laughed.

I looked at him sideways. "Do they know?" I asked quietly, "about my dad?"

Edward nodded his head.

"Okay."

"Is that okay? I just didn't want someone to ask you and upset you."

"No, I mean, yeah, that's fine. That's good."

"Who are Em and Rose?"

Edward turned his head sharply towards me and looked at me like I had three heads.

"I saw their names on a post card."

"Oh, well, Emmett is my best friend, and Rose is his girlfriend, and a good friend to me as well." Edward laughed, "Emmett will love you. Rose, I don't know about. I rarely see her interact with other women."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well, she's a little intimidating, to women."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, great."

Edward laughed and squeezed my hand. "It will be fine."

I sighed and thought about what else I needed to know. "What's our address?" I asked.

He recited it and I knew I wouldn't remember it immediately, so I jotted it down.

"What does Emmett do?"

"He actually owns a couple of businesses. You wouldn't know it by looking at him. He comes across as a big muscle head, but he's pretty smart."

"What kind of businesses?"

"He owns a chain of gyms, a real estate company and coaches girls gymnastics."

"Wow, how did you meet him?" I wondered.

Edward smiled, "It's an interesting story. My brother and I, although young, were very different. I was into books and movies and art and he was into sports and gymnastics. Emmett was his best friend. They played on the same soccer team from the time they were three, until Mason was seven and couldn't play anymore. They were really close. Sometimes I was even jealous of him, because Mason thought he was so cool," Edward laughed. "I had maybe only said a handful of words to the guy before Mason passed. Afterwards, we just became friends. It felt natural. We were the closest thing each other had to our best friend. We've been best friends ever since."

"Oh, Edward. That's so sweet. Your parents never wanted anymore children?"

Edward looked away and sighed, obviously lost in thought for a moment. "My mom did, but my dad didn't. He was still too angry with himself about Mason passing. He still hasn't gotten over it. He still thinks he failed us all. He didn't want to bring anyone else into the world that he would surely let down, is what he used to alway say."

My heart broke. That was the saddest thing I'd ever heard, and so far from the truth.

Edward kissed my forehead. "Get some rest, beautiful. We'll have a long day ahead of us once we arrive."

I smiled at him. He was so perfect, and so mine. "I love you, Edward."

His lop sided grin made my heart skip a beat.

"I love you, too, baby."

I laid my head on his shoulder and quickly fell asleep to the hum of the airplane and Edward's thumb rubbing gently back and forth over my hand that was secured in his own. I couldn't help but recognize that those were the last few hours of my life as I had known it. Everything was about to change. Everything.

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry for the delay. Real life is super mean to me right now. Only a handful of chapters left! I'll post the next one tonight, it's a bit longer. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	83. Cruise Ship Confidential - 83

**Eighty - Three.**

I didn't wake until we were hitting pavement. I jumped a little bit, startled. "We're here? Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked a smiling Edward.

"I didn't see the need to," he laughed.

"Are they going to be here? I'm not prepared!" I said, as I grabbed my purse and tore through it looking for a hair brush and a piece of gum.

Edward pulled at my hands. "Baby, stop. They're not here. It's early morning. You look fine."

I relaxed and exhaled a deep breath. "Have you slept at all?"

He shook his head. "I just watched you."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "If you weren't so fucking cute, I'd think you were creepy," I giggled.

Edward laughed and squeezed my hand. "I feel like a little boy on Christmas eve. I just couldn't stop thinking about everything."

I smiled at him. He was so excited and I was so nervous.

Nearly an hour later we were making our way to short term parking. "I'm confused," I said. "Why are we going to short term parking?"

"Because my car is here. I had my dad drop it last night before he headed out of the city."

"Oh, well that was nice of him." I continued to follow Edward as I pulled my over stuffed suitcases behind me. We eventually arrived at a shiny black Volvo SUV. It beeped and the lights flashed to signal it had been unlocked.

"This is your car?" I asked.

"It is," he offered as he turned around to get my suitcases and place them in the back. Just before he smashed them, I yelled at him. "Edward, wait!" He put the suitcase down, and followed my eyes to the small arrangement of flowers wrapped in tissue paper with a little card attached. I picked them up and opened the card.

_Welcome Home! We missed you so much and we cannot wait to meet you, Bella!_

_With love, Mom & Dad_

I squealed and handed the little card to Edward as I smelled the flowers. "They smell so good! Your parents are so thoughtful."

Edward read the card quickly and handed it back to me and continued his task of loading our things in the back of the car. "Mom always wanted a daughter. She's probably already naming our children," he teased, but immediately heard my sharp intake of breath. Some time had definitely passed since the miscarriage, but it was still fresh in my mind. What if I couldn't have children? What if something was wrong with me? What if I could never give Edward a child, and his parents a grandchild? The thought made me sick and I ached for the little life I lost.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

I shook it off. I pushed the thoughts from my mind. "No, it's okay. I'm okay," I said as I focused my attention on the flowers and moved around the car to get in.

"Do they know?" I asked quietly.

"No, I didn't tell them. I will if you want me to."

I shook my head. I didn't want them to think I might not be good enough for him. He grabbed my hand, and our fingers laced together.

"What can I do to make you smile you again?"

I smiled at him. "I'm fine, Edward, I promise."

He relented and we headed out.

The entire way, he told me street names and tried to give me directions and show me where things were but I was so confused and lost. I had no sense of direction in a city like London, not to mention we were on the wrong side of the road.

"Don't even waste your breath, Edward," I laughed. "I'm already so confused."

He sighed, "But I want you to know these things. School, labs and clinicals are very demanding, there could be days in a row where you only know I still exist because I crawl into our bed at some obscene hour of the night, and I'll be gone again before you wake. I want you to know how to get around on your own."

I looked at him with my mouth open. Was he serious? I'd never see him? I'd be stuck in an apartment all day by myself? Why didn't he tell me this before?

"Baby, don't look at me like that. It's not forever. I promise. I'm going to do everything I can to make this an easy transition for you."

I hesitated and decided it was best I didn't respond. I looked out the passenger side window and took it all in.

Eventually I noticed we were going around the same block over and over. "Edward?"

"I'm waiting for a better parking space," he offered. "It's that one," he said, pointing to a three story walk up. We have the third floor. There's no lift."

I took it in. It was beautiful. I had already lost track of which one it was. There were more than a dozen of the exact same thing lining the street. Ours was somewhere in the middle of them all. They reminded me of what we called row homes or town homes in the states.

Finally, Edward settled on a parking space. We had to walk down the street a little ways and I saw the number 23, and knew it was ours. I didn't remember much about the address, but I remembered the number 23. We went inside and Edward took two suitcases and I had a smaller one and my purse. By the time we made it to the third floor, I was out of breath and it made me laugh. "I'm so out of shape."

Edward laughed, "Trust me, the stairs will help. Dad is the one that insisted on stairs. He never takes a lift. Never. He says you can always tell the condition of your heart by how well you handle the stairs."

"I guess my heart is dying," I teased.

Edward laughed, and turned the key in the door. I took a deep breath and followed him inside.

It was nice and cozy, and definitely needed a woman's touch. The walls were white, the floors were hardwood and gorgeous. We entered into a little reception area. Edward placed his keys in a little glass bowl on an entry table. There were two chairs and a small table on the right, an entry table on the left a place to hang coats and place umbrellas next to the table. Edward left all of our bags there and then showed me around.

We walked into a large living area with the kitchen off to the left. I loved the almost floor to ceiling windows in the living area. Edward showed me to a small hallway on the left. There was a small bathroom between two bedrooms. The one on the left was his fathers and the one on the right was an office. We went back through the living area and into another small hallway that led to Edward's room.

"This is my, well ours, our room," he clarified as he opened the door. It was the largest of the three and had a nice attached bathroom. There was a king size bed with a dark blue comforter and light blue sheets and pillows. There was a larger dresser and chest of drawers and a night stand on each side of the bed. It was all dark and heavy and manly. Edward showed me to the closet.

"I'll clean some stuff out and make room for you," he said. Although a walk-in, it was fairly small, but it had room to hang clothes on the left and right and went back about five feet.

"You have a lot of clothes," I said, noting how full the closet was.

"Do I?" he asked. "I never in a million years would've dreamed I'd be bringing a woman back here, to live with me, and share my closet," he said, as he pulled me to him and kissed my lips softly. "But, I'm so fucking glad I did."

I couldn't help but smile. Edward showed me the bathroom and the laundry area just outside our bedroom.

We made our way to the table, just opposite the bar in the kitchen. "When do you go back to school?"

"Monday."

"Today is Saturday, right?" I had to double check.

Edward laughed, "Yes, that's right. We have a lot to do."

"We do?" I asked. I was still tired.

"Yes. We need to do some shopping, laundry, make some space for you, and we're having dinner with my parents tonight and lunch with Emmett and Rose tomorrow."

My head was spinning. "Okay," I said, unsure where to start.

Edward pulled his wallet from his back pocket and tossed a shiny silver credit card on the table. It had my name on it.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's yours. There's no limit."

"What?" I asked, totally confused. "I'm not using this."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not mine."

Edward rolled his eyes and went to the fridge, he opened a soda and returned to the table.

"I want you to be comfortable here. I want this to be ours, and not mine. I want you to change things, buy new furniture, whatever you want."

This place could definitely use some changes, but I still wasn't totally comfortable with that.

"For it to be ours, that means you have to have a say in those purchases, too. Otherwise, it would become mine."

"Fair enough. Are you ready?" he asked, holding out his hand.

"Ready for what?"

"Let's go shopping."

The mother hen in me came out. "Why don't we unpack so I can start a load of laundry before we go?"

Edward smiled. "I'm going to love having you here."

**Author's Note:**

**:) The last chapter is 87 and there are at least 2 epilogues. I'm partially through the second one and its full of so much goodness that it makes me squee. **

**Don't forget to review!**


	84. Cruise Ship Confidential - 84

**Eighty - Four.**

Nearly five hours later, we had a new master bedroom. We got rid of Edward's out dated and heavy furniture and it was replaced with more modern pieces with a cherry wood finish. I kept the bedding neutral, but lightened it a bit. I had gotten some accessories and decorations and things, but they would have to wait for later.

Edward and I showered together to save time, but we didn't even misbehave, that's how late we were for dinner with his parents.

"Come on, Bella! You look fine!" Edward yelled from the entry way.

"I'll be right there!" I was ready, I just wanted to rotate the laundry before we left.

"Do I look okay?" I asked as we headed out.

"You look perfect."

I had on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, and a cream colored sweater with almost knee high tan boots. It was a little bit colder in London that I had anticipated.

The drive was long, like over an hour long. It felt like we were in the middle of nowhere, and then we came out of the woods, into a huge clearing, and there was the most magnificent home I'd ever laid eyes on. It was a large English Tudor style home with dark wood and stone. The grounds were immaculate and beautiful. The stone driveway split off, to the right was a large garage and to the left was a path that led to the front of the home where there was parking and a turn around area.

"Close your mouth, Bella," Edward teased.

"I can't even . . ."

I felt Edward kiss my cheek, but I was still shocked at the sight before me. He was gone, and then he was opening my door. I grabbed the flowers that I'd gotten for Mrs. Cullen and followed Edward to the large stone entry. The front door was made of dark wood with intricate designs on it. The door was arched and looked like it belonged on a castle somewhere.

"Wait!" I whisper-yelled to Edward, before he turned the handle on the door.

He turned to look at me. "They will love you, stop freaking out."

I took a deep breath and couldn't help but feel like I had no idea who Edward was or where he came from. This was certainly not what I imagined. I was so far removed from this. I felt like I was in a fairy tail. This couldn't be real.

"Is this real?" I asked Edward.

Edward laughed and kissed me. "Of course, it is, baby."

I shook my head. "Why?"

"Why what, Bella?"

"Why me? Why did you pick me? I don't deserve any of this. We're from two different worlds."

"Stop it. Right now. It's just a house."

I scoffed. "It's breathtaking, it's so much more than that, and you know it."

"Bella," Edward warned.

I calmed myself down and tried to relax before we went inside. I was so afraid they would think I was less than Edward, that I wasn't good enough.

We stepped inside into an amazing entry. There was a beautiful staircase to the left with an iron railing with a soft curve in it and a library to the right that made me drool.

We walked down a long hallway with walls of windows that looked out into a courtyard.

"Edward? Is that you?" I heard his mother yell from somewhere.

"It is!" he yelled back.

We found her and his father in the kitchen. The kitchen was beautiful, done in white marble with wood counters and floors and large stainless steel appliances. How could two people need so much?

Edward's mother was the definition of class and beauty. Her golden mahogany hair fell in waves onto her shoulders. Her smile was warm as fire. She hugged him with such force that you knew he was her world. She showered his face with kisses and praise and words of welcome.

His father was Edward, plus twenty-five or so years. I celebrated inside, that my future husband would be just as sexy in twenty five years as he was now.

Esme finally let Edward go and he greeted his father with a hug and a few words I couldn't make out.

Then, all the attention turned to me.

"Mom, Dad, this is Bella."

Esme's smile was genuine.

She hugged me, "Oh, darling. It's so nice to finally meet you. We've heard so much about you."

I felt my cheeks flush. So much about me? Like how I carried on a relationship with her son and my ex-boyfriend for months. Ugh, those thoughts made me sick.

We all exchanged pleasantries and I gave her the flowers I brought. She genuinely seemed to enjoy them and fussed over them before finally putting them in a vase and leaving them alone.

"Dinner is almost ready, go ahead and take seat in the dining room, you two," she told us.

Edward and I made our way through a short hall and into a dining room that was classically decorated and detailed with boxed framed windows and a lot of other architectural details.

Dinner was delicious, but the best part was watching Edward interact with his parents. I couldn't help but feel sad. I missed having parents of my own and everything that went with that. I tried to stay present in the conversation, but it wasn't always easy and I had to ask his parents to repeat questions they had asked me on more than one occasion.

After dinner, Carlisle and Edward did the dishes while Esme showed me around the mansion, as I called it, and she also showed me pictures of Edward and Mason. They made my heart full. Edward was nerdy and Mason was sporty, but they seemed so close and so unbelievably happy. As time went on, the pictures changed from Edward and Mason, to Edward and Emmett. Esme was grateful that they had each other along the way.

She had just put the pictures up and we were sitting in the library.

"Did Edward tell you you're the first and only girl he's ever brought home?"

I felt my cheeks pink. "No."

Esme smiled. "You are."

I smiled to myself. "I know that you know more about me than I probably realize, and I want you to know that I truly love Edward. We had our bumps in the road to get this point, but he makes me so happy and I'm so glad I followed my heart, and him, to get here."

Esme beamed, and she hugged me and kissed my cheek. "We love you, Bella. We trust Edward's judgement and we're so glad he found you. He absolutely glows. Welcome to the family."

I tried not to cry. I felt the tears pool, but successfully managed not to blink and allow them to spill.

**Author's Note: Only a few chapters left and the epilogue(s). :) Review please and thank you. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	85. Cruise Ship Confidential - 85

**Eighty - Five.**

**Edward**

My parents loved her, like I knew they would. I could tell she was a little overwhelmed by everything, but I tried not to let her focus on it too much.

We were both exhausted by the time we returned to our flat and we went right to bed. I didn't think Bella slept well. I didn't, because she was always tossing and turning.

The bed was empty when I woke. I worried momentarily, but immediately smelled something delicious happening in the kitchen.

"I was just coming to get you," she smiled as I walked into the kitchen.

I grinned. I had never had a live in girlfriend before. This was going to be so easy to get used to. I kissed her cheek. "Good morning."

"Morning," she said as she plated our eggs, bacon and toast.

Although she smiled, her eyes were still heavy, unrested. "Was it my imagination, or did you not sleep at all last night?"

"Oh, Edward. I'm sorry. Did I keep you up?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't want to tell her that she did. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

"I just had a lot on my mind. It's nothing. Really. It's just the first night in a new place, you know?"

I dropped it. It would take her some time to adjust.

Lunch with Emmett and Rose was really great. I was glad that Rose seemed to accept Bella. Of course, I hadn't told her about Jake. It was so good to see Emmett again. His laughter was contagious and he sent Bella into numerous giggle fits by telling her stupid stories about us as kids and teenagers. After a long lunch, we headed back home.

"They're really great, Edward," she said as we were getting in the car.

"Yeah, they're good people. You have to watch out for Rose, though. She's fiercely protective of people she loves. She doesn't always warm up to people easily."

"So, she may not like me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, honestly. She was rather well behaved today. I was kind of surprised."

She looked out the window. "She doesn't know about Jake, does she?"

"No, she doesn't." I didn't want Bella to fell bad about it. I knew she felt like everyone would judge her and think she wasn't good for me. I didn't want her to feel like she should have to justify her actions to everyone. All along she seemed so conflicted about her relationship with Jake, and while I didn't like it, I understood it. I understood that she needed time to work things out and make her decision. I didn't understand why she felt so guilty about it now.

"It's none of her business, unless you choose to tell her."

"I just should've done it sooner, ended it with Jake. It would've been easier for everyone involved, it just didn't seem right at the time," she looked at me, concern all over her face.

I took her hand. "Don't worry about it, Bella. It's done. It's over. We are where we need to be and we're together. How we got here, doesn't matter." I kissed the back of her hand.

She nodded her understanding.

We spent a relaxing evening at home. Bella cooked again. I would have to join a gym to keep my appearance up. Everything she made was just so fucking good.

Before we went to bed, I tried to go over my schedule with her. It was chaotic to say the least. Sometimes I didn't know what time my day would end. I had one lecture and three clinic observations and I still had to find time to study. If there was anything I should've been more truthful about, it was the demands of med school, especially the last year. I never had anyone else to be concerned about before, nobody was ever waiting on me at home. Although I hadn't admitted it to her, I felt guilty for bringing her here just to leave her at home alone all the time.

. . .

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Two chapters to go and then the epilogues. **

**For those of you that read Repentance - the preface of the sequel will be posted this coming weekend. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	86. Cruise Ship Confidential - 86

**Eighty - Six.**

When he woke me up, it was still dark outside. I slept through his alarm. I was tired from not sleeping the night before.

"I have to go. I love you. I'll see you tonight," he said just before he pressed his lips to mine.

I pouted, mad at myself for sleeping through his alarm. "I was going to make your lunch."

Edward laughed at me and kissed my forehead. "You're so fucking cute. You don't need to make my lunch, I hardly have time to eat. Go back to sleep. I'll text you when I can. Your credit card is still on the kitchen table."

"Where it will stay," I teased, as I pulled him down to me for one more kiss. We finally separated. "I love you." He lingered a moment longer before he turned and left and I fell back to sleep, alone.

I woke to the sound of the main door being opened and closed. A bag dropped in the entryway and then footsteps. The fridge opened.

I climbed out of bed and glanced at the clock as I did, 8:30 a.m. I walked out of our bedroom and nearly fell over when I saw Carlisle staring into the refrigerator. Thank goodness I grabbed Edward's boxers and put them on. I almost came out in only my panties and tank top. Although all the important parts were covered, I was still a bed headed mess in a tank and his son's underwear. He heard my gasp.

"Good morning, Bella. I take it Edward forgot to give you my schedule."

I nodded.

"I hope I didn't scare you."

I shook my head. "What would you like? I can make you something to eat," I said as he grabbed the orange juice from the fridge. He knew his way around our kitchen better than I did.

"No, dear. Go back to bed. Pretend I'm not even here. I'm on call for the next few hours. I'm just going to nap for a bit."

"Okay," I told him, and then went back to our room. I closed the door. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand.

_You forgot to tell me about your Dad! He practically saw me naked. - B_

I had showered and dressed and done a load of laundry before I heard from Edward.

_Shit! Baby, I'm so sorry. It slipped my mind. He should be gone soon. - E_

I meandered around the apartment trying to find things that needed to be done. I cleaned, did all the laundry and put out some of the other accessories and decor Edward and I had purchased but not yet placed.

It was nearly lunch time when Carlisle emerged, refreshed.

"Well, what have you got planned for today, Bella?"

I scoffed, but I didn't mean to. "Nothing."

Carlisle laughed. "I see, well, let's change that. I'll take you out to lunch before I head out of the city."

I jumped at the opportunity to get out of the apartment. "That would be great!"

Lunch with Carlisle was kind of strange. Everyone knew him as Dr. Cullen. Everyone eyed me up and down, curious. He told them I was Edward's girlfriend. If they were within 10 years of Edward's age, they looked furious or saddened, some even shocked. If they were older, they were happy and welcoming.

Carlisle laughed as the last person walked away from our table. "I'm sorry, Bella. We should've sat inside rather than on the patio and gone somewhere farther away from the hospital"

I smiled. "You and Edward are popular around here."

"I think it's mostly Edward. Part of me knew he'd never take to an English girl."

"Why is that?" I asked as I sipped my water and poked at my salad.

Carlisle thought before he spoke. He took longer this time than usual, unsure of what to say. "Let's just say, our family has a good reputation that all the women would want to be a part of."

Hm.

"I'm sure you got to know him for him, and not what he has," he continued.

I still didn't even know the extent of their wealth. "I still only know him for him, not what he has. He's very modest. It's only very lately that he's started trying to push it on me."

"Push it on you?" Carlisle asked concerned.

I nodded. "The money." I thought momentarily before I continued, unsure if I would be getting myself in trouble with Edward. "He gave me a credit card, with my name on it."

Carlisle stared at me blankly, waiting for me to continue, as if what I had said was perfectly normal.

"I threw it away."

Carlisle burst into laughter and it made me laugh. His laugh was just like Edward's. "Bella," he said as he grabbed my hand from across the table. "Edward only wants you to be happy. To have what you want, what will make you comfortable here. We do have a bad habit of spoiling our ladies."

"It's just weird. I love him for who he is, not what he has. I would never want him to doubt the reason I'm here. Ever. It's for him, not for anything else."

Carlisle let go of my hand and just smiled at me, in awe, I believe.

"You, are a beautiful person, Bella. I'm so glad he found you, and that you gave him a chance."

I smiled and finished my lunch. I already missed Edward, desperately.

Carlisle showed me to a nearby market that I could walk to from our apartment before he left the city. I got lost on the way back. Sometimes everything looked the same. My cell phone started ringing as I finally entered the door to our apartment. I dropped the bags on the floor in the entryway and fished it out of my purse. Edward.

"Hello," I said out of breath as I tried to shake out of my jacket.

"Hey, baby. What has you so flustered?"

I laughed, "All those fucking stairs!" I yelled loudly, "and groceries!"

Edward laughed too. I collapsed on the floor in the entry way. It was cool and I was sweating.

"You got groceries? What else did we need?"

"I wanted to make you dinner," I said, still trying to catch my breath.

"Baby, I won't be home for dinner," he said with a sad tone in his voice. "I have one more clinical observation and a lab."

"Oh." I had trouble hiding my disappointment. "When will you be home? We can have a late dinner."

"Hopefully by eight or so. Don't wait for me, just save me something."

I sighed. "Okay."

"I have to get back. I love you, Bella."

I felt tears sting my eyes and I didn't even know why. "I love you, Edward. I miss you," I said, as I tried not to let my voice quiver. I hung up before he could say anything else.

I knew he said this would be demanding and difficult, but would every day be like this? What would I do with myself? I'll hardly ever see him.

I begrudgingly picked myself up off the floor and put away the groceries. Before I started making dinner, I re-organized our closet and washed the linens in Carlisle's room. I would be completely out of things to do the next day.

Despite his request, I made dinner wait on him. He didn't get home until 8:30 and he looked exhausted. We shared a nice dinner and Edward ate like he hadn't eaten all day, and he probably hadn't. He went to change clothes while I did the dishes.

I went to check on him after the kitchen was cleaned. He was passed out across the foot of the bed. He snored softly. His shirt was partially unbuttoned, his belt undone, like he couldn't even finish undressing himself. I got ready for bed and then slipped his shoes off his feet and finished unbuttoning his shirt. He didn't stir until I started to unzip his pants. His head popped up and looked at me. I couldn't help but giggle.

"I was just trying to finish what you started, so you'd be more comfortable."

He laughed, and sighed and threw his head back against the bed. His hands rubbed his face. "I'm so fucking tired."

"I know, baby. Let's get you in bed, properly," I said, as I helped him up. He left his clothes in a heap on the floor and was only left in boxers. He took a moment in the bathroom before crawling into bed. I had planned to just get him comfortable, and go back to the den to read because I wasn't tired yet. It wasn't even ten o'clock. However, Edward pulled me to him, and rested his head on chest. My fingers automatically went to his hair.

"I love you," he mumbled. "Don't leave me. It won't be like this forever, I promise."

I kissed the top of his head and he was asleep. I was trapped beneath him, but I was exactly where I wanted to be.

. . .

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! It's been a crazy few weeks. Only one chapter left and the epilogues! **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	87. Cruise Ship Confidential - 87

**Eighty - Seven:**

Edward and I survived our first couple of weeks together, although it wasn't always easy. He was gone constantly during the week, but definitely made a special effort to spend as much time with me as possible on the weekends, when he wasn't studying.

Rose worked for a commercial real estate company, that's how she and Emmett had met, and had a pretty flexible schedule. I was shocked when she had called one day and asked if I wanted to join her for lunch.

We had been to lunch at least twice a week ever since then. Edward was so pleased that we were becoming friends. He had told me horror stories about Rose and her unlikeness of other women, especially women he dated. He said she was just protective.

I had shared a bit with Rose about my past, but nothing about Jake. She questioned me frequently about it, but I was concerned she would judge me and think that I would eventually hurt Edward and I didn't want to lose the only girlfriend I had in London.

One day, on our way to lunch, we were walking down the street heading to a little cafe she liked and another woman walked towards us with a tiny little baby in a small stroller. The baby could've only been a couple of months old. Rose immediately recognized the woman as someone's wife that she worked with. She fawned over the little baby boy with blonde hair, even holding him and kissing his little fat cheeks.

I felt like I was drooling over him. The lady must have noticed.

"Would you like to hold him?" she asked me.

I looked from her to Rose and back, unsure.

"Oh, Mrs. Carter, this is Emmett's best friend's girlfriend, from America, Bella."

We exchanged pleasantries before both women practically pushed the baby in my arms. He was tiny and swaddled in a little blue blanket. His eyes were as big as the moon and they were filled with wonder. He smelled like the sweetest thing on earth. When he smiled at me, I nearly lost it, and immediately returned him to his mother. As soon as he was gone from my arms, I held my stomach as I mourned for the child I never got to meet.

Rose said goodbye to her friend, and we continued.

"Bella, are you alright?" she asked.

I caught a tear with the swipe of my fingers across my cheek. "Yeah, I'm fine. Really."

"I don't believe you."

I looked at her, intending to beg her to not ask anymore questions, when I noticed tears in her eyes as well. I titled my head, confused.

She took a deep breath. "I can't have children."

I'm not sure why, but I started sobbing, and pulled her into my arms and hugged her. After a few moments, and more tears, we continued to the cafe.

Once we were seated, and had placed our order, we continued to talk.

"Why did you react the way you did?" she asked.

I didn't know how much I should tell her, but I decided it didn't matter. I desperately needed someone to confide in besides Edward.

I explained everything, about getting sick and then realizing I was pregnant and that I didn't tell Edward right away. She didn't like that part, and I didn't blame her. I left out all the details surrounding Jake, but I told her in detail about losing the baby.

We were sitting across from each other in a booth, as we both sobbed, one of our hands clasped together in the middle of the table.

"I've never felt so empty," I told her. "I'm so scared it will happen again, or that I won't be able to get pregnant." I noticed Rose really start to lose it.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "We can stop talking about it. I didn't mean to upset you so much."

She shook her head, "No, it's good. It's okay. I've held this secret inside me for so long, it's good to let it out."

Secret? "What do you mean?" I asked.

"He doesn't know," she cried.

I was so fixated on her face and the fact that she meant Emmett didn't know about her not being able to have children, that I didn't even notice Edward and Emmett approach the table. They immediately slid into place beside us.

"He doesn't know what?" Emmett asked. "Who is he? Why are you both crying like a bunch of babies?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, Edward through my tears.

"It was supposed to be a surprise. What's wrong, Bella?" he asked concerned, as he scooted closer to me and put his arm around me. I gave him a hug and the death glare I got from Rose told me that I better lie and lie well.

I pulled away from Edward and noticed Em interrogating Rose.

"We were just talking about my Dad," I finally blurted out. "I'm sorry, Rose, I didn't mean to upset you."

She nodded. "It's just so touching, I'm so sorry for your loss, Bella."

The way Emmett and Edward were looking at each other did not go unnoticed by me. I squeezed Edward's thigh beneath the table, begging him to understand.

"Okay, so enough serious talk. What have our beautiful ladies been up to today?" Edward asked.

Rose and I laughed and she started talking about work, effectively changing the subject.

Lunch was short for the guys as they had to get back to work and school. Emmett accompanied Rose back to her office and Edward and I walked in the opposite direction briefly until we had to go opposite directions from each other.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked as he turned to me and moved my hair behind my ear and shoulder.

I nodded. "I'm sure. We weren't talking about my dad, though. I was telling her about losing the baby," my voice shook, but I tried to hold it together.

"Oh, Bella," he pulled me closer to him and kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. One day, in the future, after you're my wife, we'll fill a huge house full of babies, okay?"

I couldn't help but giggle a little through my tears, but it was short lived. "I wanted _that_ baby, Edward."

"I know you did."

"I'm sorry," I said, as I took a deep breath and collected myself.

"I have to get going, I'm going to be late."

I nodded and reached up to kiss him as our fingers laced together at our sides. "Thank you for surprising me today. I've missed you this week."

I felt him smile against my lips before he kissed me quickly and said, "I miss you every single day."

I smiled and we shared another kiss and an embrace before he started to walk across the street. He stopped just short of stepping off the sidewalk and turned around.

"Hey, what did Rose mean by _he doesn't know_?" he asked suddenly.

I felt my face falter. He noticed it immediately and he came back to me. I didn't know what to do. She was the only girlfriend I had. He was my life, my heart and soul.

"It's not about you, Edward."

"Emmett, then?" he asked.

I nodded. "Please, don't." I said, as I wished he wouldn't push me further. I couldn't lie to him, but I didn't want to betray Rose's trust either.

"It's something major?"

"I guess it's kind of major, but I'm not sure." He pondered this, as did I. I know it's a big deal for a woman not to be able to have her own children, but Emmett loved her. He would understand, wouldn't he? "She's my only friend, Edward, please." I felt my tears betray me and I knew I had to tell him.

He looked at his watch and sighed. "We'll talk tonight, okay?"

I nodded and felt his lips press against my forehead again. "I love you," I told him.

"I love you, too." He turned and ran across the street.

I scolded myself for ruining his day. This would surely be on his mind until we spoke again.

When I got back to the apartment, I sent him a text.

_Please don't say anything to Em until we talk tonight, okay? I love you. _

I didn't get a response until much later that evening.

_I won't. I didn't. I'm on my way home. See you soon._

I warmed up his dinner and had it waiting on him when he got home. I sat with him as he ate. We didn't speak. I did the dishes while he changed clothes. We met on the couch.

"So, what was that all about?" he asked.

I was still having an internal conflict as to whether or not I should tell him, but I knew I would. I couldn't keep anything from him, not after he had given me so much.

"You have to promise you won't tell Emmett, okay? It's between them, really."

His face scrunched up in confusion as he considered my request. "It depends on what it is. I mean, if she did something he should know about it, then I will tell him. He's like my brother."

I sighed. "I mean, I really don't think it's anything bad, just disappointing, but Rose seemed pretty adamant about it for some reason."

"What is it, Bella?"

"Rose said she couldn't have children and that Emmett didn't know."

"What?!" Edward practically yelled. It caused me to jump a little. I didn't answer him, because I knew he heard me, I just didn't understand why he was reacting the way he was.

"Are you sure?" he finally asked.

"That's what she said." I was getting really anxious. Why was it such a big deal? Was it a big deal to Edward, too?

"Why?"

"I don't know. You guys interrupted. We never finished."

Edward ran his hands over his tired face. "Fuck. I wish I didn't know that."

"I'm sorry. You wanted to know. I didn't want you to think I would keep something from you."

Edward leaned back on the couch and pulled me to him. I clutched on to him, relieved. "I'm not mad you," he said as he kissed the top of my head.

"Why is that such a big deal?" I asked. "I mean, he loves her, right?"

Edward sighed. "Emmett may be a big knuckle head, but all he has ever wanted in life was a house full of kids. His parents divorced when he was young and his mother kept him from seeing his father. He's the only one that carries on the family name. He's always wanted children and a big family of his own, and for the past several years, he's been convinced that he wanted all of that with Rosalie."

I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand. "Oh, no. He'll understand, though, right? I mean, he wouldn't leave her because of that, would he? That's not something she can control."

Edward shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think it's the fact that she cannot have children that would cause him to leave her, it would be the fact that he has shared his hopes and dreams for his future with her, and she hasn't bothered to tell him that his dreams are not going to happen with her."

I felt sick to my stomach. What a horrible position to be in. "You won't tell him, will you?" I pleaded with my eyes.

Edward sighed and grabbed my hand from his knee. "I should, but I won't. I know your friendship with Rose is important. I won't mess that up for you."

I practically jumped in his lap and straddled him before I kissed him quickly on the lips. "Thank you, baby. I love you so much."

"But," he warned, seriously.

I leaned back. "But?"

"You have to promise me that you will encourage her to tell him. He needs to know. The sooner, the better. What she is doing is completely selfish and cowardly."

"I completely agree, and I will. Who knows, maybe she just _thinks_ she can't have children for some reason. I'll get more details from her and definitely encourage her to talk to Emmett. Poor guy," I pouted.

Edward's hands roamed up my jean covered thighs to my hips as he looked me over. "Enough about them. It's Friday and I haven't been inside you since Sunday."

My mouth fell open. His eyes were dark and needy. He licked his lips and swallowed, hard. He was right. It had been a while. His schedule during the week doesn't allow a lot of time for intimacy. I leaned into him and left a trail of kisses up his neck and along his jaw until I reached his ear. "Have you missed me?" I whispered as I gently bit his ear lobe and continued kiss his face.

He groaned. "I always miss you. I miss this," he said as he grabbed my hips in both hands and slid me forward on his lap until I could feel his erection pressing into my center.

I giggled and I pushed myself even harder against him as I pressed my lips against his and kissed him. He always tasted so good, and all Edward. I moaned against his lips as I continued to push myself against him. I wanted him inside me five minutes ago, but I also loved savoring this time with him, too.

Edward's hands moved up from my hips and slipped under my t-shirt. His hands were warm on my skin as they made their way up my back. He unhooked my bra before pulling my shirt over my head. He kissed the space between my breasts before he slid the straps of my bra down my arms and discarded it somewhere in the space behind me.

I pushed him back against the couch and pulled his shirt off. Finally, it was just my skin against his. I melted into him as his arms wrapped around me and his lips and tongue teased my breasts. I moaned into the crook of his neck. "I love you, Edward. I miss you so much when you're gone."

His lips froze against me and he nudged me back a bit so he could see my eyes. "I'm sorry I'm not here more, baby. It's not because I don't want to be," he said softly.

"Oh, Edward. I know. I know."

"It won't be forever. It will be easier next year. My schedule will be more stable."

I kissed him. "Shh, I know. It's okay."

"I feel so guilty leaving you here all day, alone."

"Don't. It's okay. Stop talking. Just show me," I pleaded as I pressed myself into him again.

He captured my lips between his as his hands fumbled with the button closure on my jeans. I was so lost in his kiss that I didn't even register the sound of a key in the front door, until I heard it close. I froze on Edward's lap and he immediately pulled me to him, chest to chest.

"Fuck!" he said loudly.

We both eyed a laughing Carlisle in the foyer. I hid my face in Edward's shoulder as I felt the pink flush of embarrassment all over me.

"I keep my schedule on the refrigerator for this very reason," Carlisle teased.

Edward groaned. "We need our own place. Or he needs his own," he said quietly to me, and then to his father, "I obviously didn't look at the schedule!"

Carlisle laughed from the kitchen. I knew his schedule. I had mad extra dinner for him. I just forgot. When Edward starts touching me, I just loose all sanity. "I'm sorry, Edward. I knew. It slipped my mind." I called to Carlisle in the kitchen. "There's a left over plate for you in the fridge. You'll just need to heat it up for a few minutes."

"I see that, thank you, Bella," Carlisle said as he emerged from the kitchen. "I'm going to change clothes while you two," he paused and waived a hand in the air in our direction, "do whatever you're going to do - get dressed or go to your room, or whatever."

I laughed and kissed Edward's cheek. His head was thrown back on the couch, irritated. I heard Carlisle's bedroom door close and I placed a chaste kiss to Edward's lips before I slipped off of him and grabbed my bra from the coffee table and began to put it on.

He got up and put his fingers through the belt loops on my jeans, as he tugged me toward him and our bedroom. "Why are you putting that back on? Let's go to bed."

I snapped my bra and pulled the straps up and put my t-shirt on. "I'm not doing that with you're dad out here eating dinner, Edward," I handed him his t-shirt.

He groaned and complained. "Tomorrow, you can start looking for a new place, for just us."

I laughed, "Edward, no. I like it here. I like your dad around. We just need to be more careful."

Edward huffed and put his shirt on. "What am I supposed to do about this?" he said has he looked down at the large bulge in his pants.

I giggled. "Go to our room, Edward. I'll come to bed in a few minutes, okay?"

Edward grinned, kissed me quickly, and ran off to our room. I put Carlisle's dinner in the microwave and was putting it on the table just as he emerged.

"I'm sorry about that," I offered.

Carlisle dismissed it. "Don't worry about it, Bella. I understand. Believe it or not, that's the first time I've ever walked in on my son doing something like that," he laughed. "But I know what it's like to get caught up in the moment. Just be glad that you all aren't the ones sharing a space with Esme and I," he teased.

"Carlisle!"

We both shared a laugh for a moment.

"Really, though. I won't be hurt or offended if you guys want me to find another place in the city."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're only here occasionally and you're asleep when you are here. I like having you around." I paused for a moment. "I miss my dad. It helps," I said honestly.

Carlisle reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "I'd be so proud to call you my daughter. You're father was a lucky man."

I smiled and pushed back the tears that were threatening. "Thank you," I stood to leave. "Can I get you anything else?" I asked.

"No, please, go tend to my son before he has a coronary. I can feel his eyes in the back of my head."

I looked up through the living room and into the small hallway to see Edward leaning in the doorway with a smirk on his face. I couldn't help but laugh.

I approached Edward and nudged him back towards our room. His lips attached to my neck as soon as our door was closed.

"I'm going to marry you one day. You couldn't be any more perfect, for me, for my family. I love you," he mumbled against my neck.

I melted and felt myself sway a bit. "You keep saying that . . ."

He walked us back towards the bed and he stopped kissing me long enough to remove my shirt and bra, again. "What?" he asked, as his lips found mine.

"That you're going to marry me one day, like its a threat."

Our bodies were so closely pressed together and his lips had moved to my shoulder, but I could tell he was smiling, and I wished I could see his face.

"It's a promise," he said.

"When are you going to follow through with that promise?" I teased.

Edward laughed. "When do you want me to follow through with it?" He pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

"Yesterday," I grinned.

He picked me up and placed me gently on the bed, his smile so wide. "We'll go ring shopping tomorrow."

I giggled like a little girl. He made me so happy. I'd be so honored to be his wife. "Surprise me," I said.

His hands slipped inside my unbuttoned jeans as he worked them down my hips. "You might regret that," he said as he kissed my hip, "you'll end up with something enormous that will break your finger because I love you that much," and then the inside of my thigh.

I laughed and helped him slip me out of my jeans before I pulled him back up to me. "We'll set parameters tomorrow."

"Fuck parameters. You deserve something magnificent."

"I just want you. Any ring will do."

We both grinned at each other as he hovered above me. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

My arms found their way around his neck, my fingers into his hair, as I pulled him down to me so I could kiss him. "Show me. Love me," I whimpered against his lips.

And that he did. Over and over and over again.

...

**Author's Note: That was the last chapter! There are two epilogues that will be posted soon. (I won't leave the Rose/Emmett situation unknown). Thanks for reading and reviewing. **

**Twitter: AllOrNothingKR**


	88. Cruise Ship Confidential - Epilogue 1

**Epilogue 1:**

It always surprised me how much things could change in my life so quickly. Over the next two years, Edward and I were engaged, married, and trying to have a baby. Trying was the keyword.

Edward was completing his residency at a nearby pediatrician's office and his schedule was much more normal than it had been in the past. He would usually have to spend one day a month at the hospital in the children's ward in various different areas. On those days, he often came home and told me we didn't want to have children. He said it's hard enough to watch someone else's children go through such horrific pain, and he couldn't imagine it being his own. I always had to have the same talk with him. He understood his father's position on his brother's death much more than he ever had before, but I reminded him that having a child was no different than having me as a wife. He loved me, and he would love our children. Anything could happen to me and anything could happen to them. Did that mean he would've rather never met me or fallen in love with me? His answer was the same every time and we often found ourselves trying to make a baby on those nights.

. . .

Rosalie eventually confided in me about her fertility issues. She had severe endometriosis to the point that scar tissue blocked her fallopian tubes. She had first married young, unbeknownst to me, and learned of her inability to conceive naturally when she was just 21 years old. Her husband at the time decided she couldn't give him what he wanted and they divorced. She met Emmett a year later.

Although I had encouraged her for quite some time, she didn't tell Emmett right away. In fact, it wasn't until Emmett asked me to help him pick out an engagement ring for Rose that things got really real. I demanded that Rose tell him and if she didn't, I would.

Unfortunately, Emmett took the news pretty badly, and just like Edward said, it was more about the fact that she hadn't been honest with him all this time. Needless to say, they broke up, or took a break, as they called it.

Edward and I demanded they be in our wedding. He was Edward's best friend and Rose my only friend in London. We demanded they set aside their differences for our day, because it wouldn't be the same without them.

Fortunately, all it took was an emotional ceremony and a few glasses of champagne before they were inseparable again, and shortly thereafter, we were in their wedding party.

. . .

I no longer worried about Jacob as I did initially. We now exchanged emails occasionally, but the busier he got, the less often they came. He met a girl in Seattle, well a woman. She was a few years older than him and already had a son. Apparently the boys father wasn't in the picture and Jacob took it upon himself to be his father figure. At first I questioned him about their age difference, but he didn't seem to mind, and he was certain she was "the one." I was grateful that he was finally happy.

. . .

I didn't go back into massage therapy, I had a full time client in my husband. Instead, I helped Esme with some of her charity work she did and I mostly handled the event planning. It was fun and rewarding and Edward much preferred it to me massaging random men, plus, it still meant I could spend a lot of time at home and not have a full time commitment, for when we had a baby.

Edward and I had been trying to conceive for a few months without success.

"Maybe we should see a doctor," he said, as I returned to our bedroom after tossing the negative pregnancy test in the trash.

I wasn't surprised it was negative and I knew I was the problem. "I just don't think my head is in the right place," I offered as I sat down next to him on the bed.

"What do you mean? I thought you wanted a baby."

I looked down and sighed. "I do, Edward, so badly."

"I don't understand, Bella," he said as he made me look at him.

"I cannot help but feel guilty and selfish. If I get pregnant, I won't be able to celebrate, not around Rose and Emmett anyway."

Edward sighed. "I know you feel bad for the position they are in, but it shouldn't stop us."

"I know, I just want to fix them first and then work on us."

Edward laughed a little. "You cannot fix them."

"What if I could, though?" I asked, hopeful.

Edward gave me a questioning look. "Do I even want to know what you're thinking?"

I laughed a little. "Please, Edward. Please!" I begged him. "I'll do anything."

"I don't even know what you're talking about, Bella."

I huffed. "Rose isn't incapable of becoming pregnant, she's just incapable of doing it naturally."

"What are you saying? You are not carrying her baby. No fucking way."

I laughed at him. "No, Edward! Just listen, okay?"

He nodded. "She could do in vitro fertilization."

"Okay, great. What does that have to do with us?"

I rolled my eyes. "They can't afford it. You know they just bought that flat in the city and Emmett has all his money tied up in those kids. I've talked to Rose about it, but they just cannot afford it. The only thing they could do is sell the gym but Emmett loves it too much." Emmett was training a few unprivileged kids in gymnastics and at least two of them had olympic potential, he said. He spent a fair bit of his own money paying for their transportation to and from the gym and waived their class fees.

Since I had officially become a Cullen, I was much more aware of our financial picture, and how vast it was. However, Edward being the gentleman that he is, never let me spend a dime of the money I had received from my father's insurance benefits. He invested it all for me and said it would be for our children to inherit one day, and I was perfectly fine with that, until now.

"How much?" he asked.

"It's about $13,260 each treatment."

Edward laughed. "How long have you been researching this?"

I smiled. "A while. Please, Edward. Please let me do this for them."

"That kind of money can add up quickly, Bella. What if several attempts are not successful? That money is supposed to be for our children."

I sighed, disappointed. I knew he was right, but I also knew I'd never be able to enjoy being pregnant and having a baby unless Rose could, too.

He felt my disappointment. "Fine. We'll pay for two treatments, but it has to stop there, okay? I mean, we don't even know . . ." he waived his hand between us. "What if we need something like that? Kids are expensive, especially if we end up throwing $15,000 on the table just to pop one out, and then there's all that we would have to buy, we'd need a new place to live, school, college, sports, activities, it's endless."

"Wait, why do we have to find a new place to live?" I loved our flat. I thought we'd just turn the office into a nursery.

"The stairs, Bella. You cannot be 9 months pregnant and climbing three flights of stairs and carrying our baby up and down three flights after it's born, absolutely not."

I stuck my bottom lip out. I had never given that much thought. "I love it here," I said sadly, but I knew he was right. I'd be terrified I'd drop the baby and how would I carry groceries and the baby?

"Don't worry about that, now. I'm taking care of that."

I looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean, you're taking care of it?"

He kissed my forehead. "I said don't worry about it."

"Okay, but two? We can agree to two treatments?"

"Yes, that's fine."

I squealed and hugged his neck. "Thank you."

He rubbed my back. "Knowing Rose, she'll never agree to it."

I leaned back. "Duh! That's why I'm paying in advance at the clinic!"

Edward laughed and kissed me and we ended up trying to make baby again.

**. . .**

**Author's Note: Sorry in the delay for getting this posted - I've been out of the country. I also apparently cannot count. There are actually 3 epilogues. This was one. Two and three will follow shortly.**


	89. Cruise Ship Confidential - Epilogue 2

**Epilogue 2:**

I had known I was pregnant for at least six weeks, but nobody else did, except Edward. I wasn't making that mistake twice. Rose and Emmett had surprisingly been unbelievably grateful and accepting of our gift. We said it was a late wedding gift, since they had insisted we not get them anything when they got married. Her first treatment finally took place two weeks ago and they were going today at lunch for the pregnancy test at the doctor's office.

I paced back and forth in our living room, waiting for someone to call me. The call never came.

Edward had sent me a text message in between patients at work. _Well? Have you heard anything? - Edward_

_No! She hasn't called. I'm worried. They would've called if it was good news. I'll be devastated, Edward. I'll never be able to tell her I'm pregnant. - Bella_

_Don't jump to conclusions yet. Calm down. You need to relax, for our baby's sake. I love you. Keep me posted. - Edward_

I sighed. He was right. I got a glass of water and sat on the couch and tried to relax as I stared impatiently at my phone. I was startled a few moments later by a loud knock on the door.

When I opened the door, I couldn't have been more relieved. Emmett stood with an enormous grin on his face, and a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Rose had a smile, but eyes full of tears, happy tears, I knew.

I practically squealed and attacked Rose and gave her a big hug and I felt Emmett's arms come around us both.

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you so much. We'll never be able to repay you," Emmett said, before he stepped back and handed the flowers to me. "These are for our child's god mother," he grinned.

I couldn't have been happier to accept them and I quickly invited them in so I could get back to my phone and tell Edward.

_Yes! Yes! Yes! They're here, they came by to tell me. - Bella_

My phone rang a moment after I hit send. "Hey!" I squealed.

"I'm so fucking happy!" he yelled. "Have you told them yet? I'm coming home for lunch."

"No, not yet! I'll wait."

"Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes. I love you, baby. This was the best idea you've ever had. You're so amazing."

I smiled. "I love you. Hurry home."

I made a quick lunch for everyone since I knew everybody, except me, had to get back to work soon. Just as we sat down to eat, Edward came through the door and hugged Emmett and kissed Rosalie on the cheek. "Congratulations!"

Rose cried all over again and I even think I saw Emmett's eyes water.

We all ate lunch and talked as Emmett and Rose continued to thank us and tell us we were going to the best god parents ever.

Edward and I kept giving each other strange looks, unsure of who was going to share our news. I was waiting for him and he was waiting for me.

Finally, we stood from lunch and Emmett and Rose were getting ready to head out. Edward wrapped his arms around me in the foyer, my back was to his chest.

"Em, Rose, we wanted to ask you guys something, too," he said as I felt his arms tighten around me and his hands go flat against my belly. I placed my hands over his and smiled. "We would be honored to have you both as god parents, also." He kissed my cheek and I grinned from ear to ear as Rose and Em took in the position of our hands on my stomach.

"No fucking way!" Emmett yelled.

Rose pulled me from Edward and hugged me, hard. She sobbed into my hair and mumbled things I couldn't understand. We all agreed to meet up after work for dinner at a nearby restaurant, to celebrate.

...

On our way out for dinner, Edward stopped me on the first floor, just before we headed out the main door.

"I wanted to show you something," he said.

"Okay. In someone else's apartment?" I asked.

He laughed. "Just follow me."

He had a key to the apartment on the first floor. We walked inside to an empty three bedroom flat with a similar layout to ours but much nicer finishes, and best of all, there was a garden out beyond the kitchen that I absolutely loved.

"So, what are you saying, Edward?"

"It's about to go on the market. Emmett let me see it first. I thought you might like it. It's on the first floor."

"I see that," I grinned. "Would we just sell our place upstairs?"

He took my hand as we headed back towards the main door. "No, my parents and I have discussed it a bit and they'd like to keep the flat upstairs for themselves, especially after the baby is born. Mom would want to spend more time in the city with us, especially at first."

I couldn't even hide my tears. I hadn't given much thought of giving birth to a child without my mom being there to help me through it and show me the way to do everything right. Having Esme and Carlisle right upstairs would be such a blessing.

"Do you like it?" he asked hesitantly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Edward, I love it. I love you."

I heard him laugh and felt his smile. "Then it will be ours."

"How did I ever get so lucky?"

"I'm the lucky one, Bella."

We argued about who was more lucky the entire way to dinner, and finally settled on the fact that our baby would be the luckiest of all.

**. . . **

**Author's Note: One more, then it's done! **


	90. Cruise Ship Confidential - Epilogue 3

**Epilogue 3:**

Almost a month after we learned that we were having a little girl, we learned that Rose and Emmett were having little boys. Two little boys. Fraternal twins. It was one of the few times I'd ever seen Edward cry. Seeing Emmett and Edward hug each other and cry was the most touching thing I'd ever seen. I knew they cried for the loss of their best friend and brother, but I knew they were tears of joy, too.

We closed on the first floor flat a few months before the baby was due. Esme and I spent a lot of time getting it all cleaned up and furnished, and when our flat was finished, she insisted we over haul the one upstairs to her liking.

It was past dinner time when I made it downstairs one night after helping Esme upstairs. The stairs were really starting to get to me and I was exhausted.

I found Edward in the kitchen as he worked on dinner. "You beat me home," I said as I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I did, have you been upstairs helping mom again?"

I nodded, "Just a little bit."

"You're warm and flushed. You're too pregnant to be doing that stuff. You need to stop."

I didn't argue with him. I was warm and my back hurt. "I'm going to take a cold bath."

He kissed my head and told me dinner would be ready in half an hour. Esme joined us. I loved her. I loved that Edward allowed me to share his mother. It had been so long since I'd felt the love of a mother and Esme was that, and so much more.

. . .

Rose and I took entirely too much pleasure in decorating the babies' rooms. We did mine first for obvious reasons, but I really wasn't sure who would deliver first. I knew I was about five weeks ahead of Rose, but she was huge and I knew multiples were usually premature. Emmett, Carlisle and Edward had a pool going for the delivery dates. I was filled with so much happiness for Edward and I and Rose and Emmett that some days it just felt like it was bursting out of me.

Edward would come home from work every day and kiss me and then my belly. At night, before bed, he would alternate singing to her and reading to her. Those were my favorite moments of every day.

Rose was put on bed rest as I entered my 37th week, and not just bed rest at home, she was in the hospital so she and the babies could be monitored. I missed having her around and talking to her all the time. I found myself spending a lot of time in the baby's room. I constantly had to make sure everything was perfect and in it's place. I couldn't wait to see her, touch her, smell her, and love her even more than I already did.

I was on the phone with Rose when my water broke. She kept me calm and she was the one who called Edward.

The day I gave birth to our daughter, was the happiest day of my life. Although the pain and pressure were there, it was just background noise to everything else going on around me. I'd never felt more a part of a family than I did that day.

Edward was constantly by my side, whispering words of encouragement, as were his mother and father. Emmett was there and even Rosalie joined us for a while because the doctors let her come down to see me as long as she stayed put in her wheelchair.

The only people in the room when she was delivered were Edward and Esme. It was one of those moments that you know will change your life forever. She was perfect. She had a head full of short little dark brown waves, big beautiful eyes, ten fingers and ten toes, and her daddy's lips. Edward cried again.

We brought our daughter home two days later and having her home was wonderful. Although she had her own room, it was too far away from ours, so she slept in a little bassinet next to our bed that Esme brought us. She said Edward slept in it for his first few months.

I felt Edward come up behind me and kiss my shoulder sometime in the night. "You can't watch her sleep all night. You need to rest."

I looked over my shoulder at him and smiled. "I can't stop. She's too perfect."

He smiled. "She is perfect. I'm so glad she looks like you. She'll own me, Bella. I'll never be able to say no to her."

I giggled and we both watched her in wonder. Every stretch, every yawn, every sigh, made our hearts race. Katalina Rose Cullen, was our little angel.

. . .

I was depressed the following week when I couldn't go to the hospital to be with Rose when she gave birth. Esme said she'd watch Katalina, but everything happened so quickly that I didn't have enough breast milk pumped for her and I had never been away from her yet. I knew Esme was more than capable of taking care of her every need, but I wasn't ready to leave her yet.

Edward came home from the hospital and I could tell something was wrong.

"What is it?" I asked, worried. "You said everything was fine. Did you lie to me?" I asked as I rocked Katalina in my arms as she cried.

Edward came to me and kissed both of our foreheads. "Of course I didn't lie to you, Bella. Everything is fine. Rose is perfect and the boys are perfect."

"Then why do you look sad and like you've been crying?" I asked. "Did you bring me pictures?"

He nodded and we went to the couch. Katalina quieted and I put her in her crib. "Why aren't you talking to me?" I asked Edward.

"I'm emotional, Bella. Just look at the pictures, okay?" he said as he handed me his digital camera.

I sat next to him on the couch as I went through every picture on the camera. The boys were perfect and Rose looked beautiful, but I still didn't understand Edward's sadness and emotion until I got to the last picture.

It was a picture of each of their name cards with their little foot prints on them.

_Edward Elijah McCarty_

_Mason Ryan McCarty_

I gasped. Rose and Emmett had been so secretive about their names, and this was why. "Oh, Edward." I cried and hugged his neck. He hugged me back.

"To make it easier on everyone, they're calling them by their middle names, Elijah and Ryan. Nobody knew their names except Rose and Emmett and they announced them to everyone at the same time and Emmett gave this little speech about Mason and I and it made me cry like a fucking baby. I miss him, Bella. I miss him so much."

I cried for Edward and held him close to me. "I know you do, baby. I know." We were quiet for a moment. "But you know he's up there somewhere looking down on everything you and Emmett have accomplished and he's so proud, and he's still apart of all our lives and he was never forgotten, and he never will be."

Edward pulled back and looked at me. "I love you. I have the most perfect wife any man could ever ask for, and the most perfect daughter. Where is my Katalina? I've missed her today."

We both stood from the couch, hand in hand, and made our way to Katalina's room. She was awake in her crib as she looked up at us and I swear she smiled at Edward. We both looked at each other and then back to her, but the smile was gone and we wondered if we had imagined it, and then she made this sound that sort of sounded like a laugh and we both laughed. I've never loved anything more than her, and the man that helped create her. I struggled a lot and endured a lot of pain and heartache to get where I was today, but I wouldn't change any of it. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

**. . . **

**Author's Note: The End. :) This chapter is dedicated to Katalina Roseph. Many of you are likely already familiar with her story. If you're not, you can learn more at .info. **

**Thank you all for reading and reviewing, I've enjoyed writing this one. Till next time . . .**

**AllOrNothingKR**


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